A Little Humor by Pop-Pop's Net & Games

Paddy, an Irishman, is walking home late one night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

"Twenty quid," she whispers to him, still hiding in the sahadows.

Paddy realised that she was a hooker, and had never been approached by one before; but, he decides ---- what the hell, it's only twenty quid. So he joins her in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"'What's going on here, you two?" asks the officer.

Thinking quickly, Paddy replies, "I'm making love to me wife."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know it was your wife.''

"Well, neither did I," says Paddy, "until you shined that light in her face!!"

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"Why?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog…… because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland "

Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.?

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again. Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

JUST FRED


A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

ROSES

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic
surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in
size because they were loose & flapping. Out of
embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a
secret & the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she
found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the Dr. "I
thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality & that the 1st rose was from him: "I
felt sad because you went through this all by
yourself."

"The 2nd rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery & empathized because she had the same
procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the 3rd rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Smart Ass Answers of the Year








> SMART ASS ANSWER #6
>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked..
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her..
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
>

For your EX-Valentine...
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
Empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

WINNER OF JOKE OF THE YEAR 2009

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to darts, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the darts team hadn't!"

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "It will be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," apologises the Pope.

"No problem," replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late!!"

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and 'Mad Harry' stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a
licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it out for him. "OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, 'Weird Ron' popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drinks mat and held it up to him. Ron nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am!"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, 'Crazy Craig' stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh god" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles..'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure..'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Wayne Bridge has "Failed " to win back his Wife,He Bought her some Cadburys Chocolate in the shape of HIS Kn*b,But She said "No Thanks " I Prefer..............Terry's