A new relationship - feeling the way

Wow, what can I say. I never expected so detailed and quick response to my letter. Thank you all. You really made me consider this issue from the beginning. Maybe and most likely I will wait another year. Rent.

And get to know my girlfriend better. Well, we just met 4 months ago. I must really have a bad case of "Thailand Fever". I really feel grateful for your input ... good to know that "farangs" are really ready to lend a helping hand to a total novice
like me.

Another issue: Shouldnดt 10.000 bath each month be sufficient to live in X, small village close to Sakon Nakhon? She is not paying any rent, living with her mother and all. Since I met her 5th of May this year I have sent her 46.000 bath. I donดt want to be stingy or being taking advantage of either. I am really confused to be honest . Again. Thanks for giving me your sensible advice and valuable information.

Not stingy at all, most poeple in that village (if they have work) will be earning 3000-4000 baht a month, the village doctor will be lucky to get 10,000. if she says its not enough or that she has spent it all, alarm bells should start to ring.

But never mind it is better to come and live hear single at first, and slowly slowly learn everything.

For sure you wont be lonely.

Good luck.

Kev

Sugarfree wrote:Another issue: Shouldnดt 10.000 bath each month be sufficient to live in X, small village close to Sakon Nakhon? She is not paying any rent, living with her mother and all. Since I met her 5th of May this year I have sent her 46.000 bath. I donดt want to be stingy or being taking advantage of either. I am really confused to be honest . Again. Thanks for giving me your sensible advice and valuable information.

I agree with Kev, 10,000/month should be ample... considering her situation.
I send my wife 15,000/month... out of which, she pays 8,900 installment for our truck (she doesn't drive it), 1,000 - 1,200 for medical (she's 5 months pregnant and has monthly check ups at Aek, 3,000 to mum for food and lodgings (still living with parents) leaving her a couple of thou for her phone/gprs internet, as we spent atleast an hour a day yacking on cam link...
looking at it, you make me feel stingey

Sugarfree wrote:Wow, what can I say. I never expected so detailed and quick response to my letter. Thank you all. You really made me consider this issue from the beginning. Maybe and most likely I will wait another year. Rent.

And get to know my girlfriend better. Well, we just met 4 months ago. I must really have a bad case of "Thailand Fever". I really feel grateful for your input ... good to know that "farangs" are really ready to lend a helping hand to a total novice
like me.

Another issue: Shouldnดt 10.000 bath each month be sufficient to live in X, small village close to Sakon Nakhon? She is not paying any rent, living with her mother and all. Since I met her 5th of May this year I have sent her 46.000 bath. I donดt want to be stingy or being taking advantage of either. I am really confused to be honest . Again. Thanks for giving me your sensible advice and valuable information.

Since you only met 4 months ago, I would suggest you get to know her and her family a lot better before you decide to spend all of this money on building a home. Secondly, you are giving her to much money (10,000) baht a month. Drop it down to 5,000 and see what happens. If she complains then you know all she is wanting is money and you are being played as a sucker. Think with your head that is located on your shoulders.

Sugarfree if you are happy with 10000 baht per month then thats fine, we don't know her or your full circumstances but she should be able to survive on less, general living expense's in a village is quite low, so 10000 is more than enough. if you drop it to 5000 baht straight away it will cause massive arguments even if she love's you, take things at a steady pace get to know her and her family (4 months is not a long time), more before you payout money on a new home, the one she is in at the moment won't fall down in the next 18 months don't worry about that.

how much time have you actually spent with her is it the full 4 months or ?

About 3 weeks this month and 2 weeks in May. 5 weeks is not a long time, but since then we sent sms average 2-3 times evryday and met on the webcam internet quite often. I have also met her family 2 times and they seem all to be very nice people and have never asked me for anything. I have talked to them also via the internet. New program that provides you with free calls all over the world. Meaning you get free calls to homephones and pay a small prize to mobile phones. InternetCalls if you havenดt heard of it. Not Skype. Anyway. One time she brought her mother with her on the Webcam internet chats with me.

When I agreed/ or suggested (don't remember which) to send her money she did ดnot have any idea about what Western Union was, nor did she understand that I needed her SWIFT and IBAN number. She just gave me her bank account number stripped before we said goodbye. She didnดt either have any experience using the internet nor have her own hotmail address. When I tried to explain to her I needed to have this information she could not understand what I was talking about. And made no effort to ensure I could send her the money before I left the country!

All this of course points to the fact that she is not in the business of collecting money from abroad. I did not meet her at a bar. All this gave/ gives me some security. She says she has only worked in a salon, but that seems to be the main income to her family. She cut my hair and the local barber here in my home in Farangland took a look at it and was surprised by the quality of her work. However we met in Pattaya where she worked at a salon, a place she took me to, which belongs to her relative. A person I met in my last visit to Udan Thani. One red flag though: There was however no process of dating, if you know what I mean.

Her mother is a very dedicated Buddhist and she and my girlfriend took me to the local wat in the village for some offerings to Buddha were the major part of the older people could see me. The wat was packed with people. Would she do that if she wasnดt sincere? In my last visit she was always buying smal items for my rather big family here in Farangland. None of her family has asked me for anything. Evrything I have bought for her has been on my own initiative. But as soon as I suggest I buy something she never goes to the lowest prize, never the highest, but middle prize range. She does not have tattos, wear skirts nor high heal shoes. She is always worrying that I will desert her and put her to shame ... basically same thing I worry about that she will do to me!

When I met her I decided to take this change, after reading all those nasty stories on Stickman that fueled my paranoia, but there was just something about her that made we want to give this a try. But when she seems not to be able to live on doctors wages (I wish had the equivalent of their salary in my Farangland!), that of course makes me wonder. Of course I feel rather embarrassed talking about these personal things on the internet. But like the carpenter from Nazareth once said: "The truth will set you free." Of course it is advisable to rent some house first, get to know her better, learn some basic Thai and about the way things work. I just feel sorry for her living with her mother in a timber house which is so old that when it rains the waters drips in. So the solution is to rent a house for her and her mother and eventually me to stay when I come. Any advice about that? Thanks again guys for taking time to help me.

stay paranoid, but don't let it affect your relationship. my ex, should be anyactress. did all you describe, i thought perfect little buddhist, i am so lucky, 1 1/2 yr later, i realizes it was all a fantasy. i mean she was good. this from and experienced person in good and bad releationships. that's how good she was. the only person i didn't read right. but was paranoid enough and did a little research that i kept my pride and assets and didn't get sent to the cleaners. still have house, car, and best, her kid. so it may take a while to have full confidence, as it should. long distance relationships are tough, odds are against you. go with you heart, but don't forget about you instincts and feeling, if it doesn't feel right, i probably isn't.

10000 baht is plenty, 5000 would be enough, 10,000 is fine, as long as i doesn't put a strain on your finance. now if things start popping up, as i'm sure you read, ma or pa or buffalo is sick, need truck, tractor, then think hard about what you're doing.

Bottom line,if you can't except lies in your life.Get that explained up front in absolute terms.If you get lird to about anything after that.Goodbye!

You sound like a very nice person with a level head.The paranoid thoughts your are having from reading is a good thing.It will keep you aware of looking for red flags.People lie here on a regular basis,some of it is to not lose face(embarassment),some of it is for more dubious reasons.For me,lies are the biggest destroyer of relationships and it should be discussed and understood clearly from the beginning!Trust is the foundation to the relationship,not the building of the house!Again ,that should be thoroughly understood and constantly reinforced because of ''face''situations.

Don't try to become ''native''.Learning the language will show some respect for Thai culture and help you understand a ''little''!It also lets them know you are committed and ''on the hook'',along with the donations.Don't try to please everyones wants and needs,you will only set yourself up for greater and bigger requests!Discuss with your G/F and agree what is or is not OK.Then let her deal with the requests!

Easy sex,is not a absolute ''red ''flag!Obviously she is not a virgin!If she has been in a relationship before,it is normal behavior.The chances that she is ''in love'' with you are nil.She worked in Pattaya cutting hair,she probably has had experience with falangs and that could be a good thing!Good hearted girls that show an interest in falangs,are looking for a secure relationship that they don't perceive is available to them by marrying a Thai man.She has chose you.That means she likes you and sees potential in you for a good relationship.If she is right about you and you about her,The love and commitment will grow and grow!

You are the one that has to maintain control initially.Set your boundaries and limits.Teach her to be responsible and prudent in choices,without acting like a dictator.As the trust grows,the relationship matures,you lessen your control as she is able to assume more relationship responsibility!
Bottom line ,it takes time and a lot of mutual learning to have a successful relationship.There are a few guys that are lucky enough to have a partner that was absolutely willing and able to commit and stick to the relationship,no matter what.Even when the guy shows less effort!They are few and far between and I wouldn't take the chance of just being lucky that way.It's like winning on a lottery ticket!

Don't build the house!!Discuss your reasons with her, you need the time to learn about each other and it is not reasonable to pay 1 Mil baht for the priveledge.She will need some sense of security in your relationship.Maybe a continuation of 10,000 a month for her savings separate of your expenses is appropiate.Since you already have established that figure.
This is not the West.She does not have the economic opportunity available to her,if you take her youth and the relationship doesn't work out.She is getting involved because of security first and foremost,accept that as a fact and give her some.Best of luck!Be true to yourself!!

Actually,if you sincerely want advice about the relationship,you should have or should start a thread in the relationship forum

Your right. This started as a discussion about building a house and ended up as a discussion about the relationship. But you guys have given me good advice on both frontiers. BKKSTAN is absolutely right about her views on Thai men, she donดt like them, donดt trust them and does not want to go alone out after dark. She even carries a cutting knife with her, even when she was traveling with me after dark, and suggested I buy her a stunt gun, which I did. Then she told me that when I come to live with her fulltime I should buy a gun - a real one that is! - for protection at home. I think I have found my soul mate: She is even more paranoid then me!

She told me she broke up with her longtime Thai boyfriend 2 years ago, because while she was keeping two jobs to pay the bills he didnดt work at all and spent most of his time polishing his motorcycle and hanging out with his mates. Her mother has encouraged her strongly to find a farang husband she told me. They can give her security and a decent living, her mother says. She is also afraid that I will desert her and she be the laughing stock of her village. Well I will never do that if she is sincere and of course I have to set the limits which I havenดt really done ...

I think Iดll put this "holiday house" idea on ice and suggest to her I rent a house she and her mother can stay until I finish this project I am working on here in Farangland. Thank you all for your input.

Sugarfree, I really wanted to add something to this thread, but most things have already been covered.

I would endorse the comment that 10K baht should be more than enough for her and her mother to live on. You need to think what she would or could be earning if she didn't have you, presumably in the salon. A common wage for working class Thais might be between 4K and 6K a month out in the sticks. Ok maybe more, if she works somewhere like a Beauty shop in Pattaya, where wages and tips are likley to be higher.

Again I agree, put the building or buying a house on hold. Accepted her family home may not look very nice to you, but it is the "norm" for her and very many Thai people, so don't try and change everything and certainly not quickly. See how things evolve.

You also need to think whether you would/will be coming to live with her in Thailand, or whether, if things progress, she would come and live in your country.

If and when you get into renting or building houses, you want to think very carefully and test whether YOU could live in that particular location (assuming that is your intention).

In any event Good Luck, - and go slowly.

Apart from the house Sugarfree the rest of your situation is the same as mine was. (Although she had her own home with mortgage and ex husband bussiness debts that were a chain around her neck)
Agree with what everyone here is saying. ฿10,000 is more than enough for a single girl (presuming no children) living in a village in her family home. It is a good amount as it improves her quality of life (health, dentist, buy a basic motorbike on the monthly, etc.) and shows her that you care. I also thought at the time that less Baht would have been still more than what my wife (BA degree) earnt, but then considered that if I was earning enough then why should I be living like a king and her a pauper, if I felt strongly about her. Bottom line and what I asked myself when I was going through the same process was is if everything turned to custard, would I turn into a sour bastard with a country and culture that I loved over ฿10,000/month. If your answer to that is no then you're OK. The bigger expenditure items would heve turned me into a sour bastard if I had paid that for her early in the piece, and then the relationship finished. Same as you with the house - yes, put it on ice but discuss it together as part of your plans for the future.

Sugarfree wrote:
All this of course points to the fact that she is not in the business of collecting money from abroad. I did not meet her at a bar. All this gave/ gives me some security. She says she has only worked in a salon, but that seems to be the main income to her family. She cut my hair and the local barber here in my home in Farangland took a look at it and was surprised by the quality of her work. However we met in Pattaya where she worked at a salon, a place she took me to, which belongs to her relative. A person I met in my last visit to Udan Thani. One red flag though: There was however no process of dating, if you know what I mean.

Her mother is a very dedicated Buddhist and she and my girlfriend took me to the local wat in the village for some offerings to Buddha were the major part of the older people could see me. The wat was packed with people. Would she do that if she wasnดt sincere? In my last visit she was always buying smal items for my rather big family here in Farangland. None of her family has asked me for anything. Evrything I have bought for her has been on my own initiative. But as soon as I suggest I buy something she never goes to the lowest prize, never the highest, but middle prize range. She does not have tattos, wear skirts nor high heal shoes. She is always worrying that I will desert her and put her to shame ... basically same thing I worry about that she will do to me!

When I met her I decided to take this change, after reading all those nasty stories on Stickman that fueled my paranoia, but there was just something about her that made we want to give this a try. But when she seems not to be able to live on doctors wages (I wish had the equivalent of their salary in my Farangland!), that of course makes me wonder. Of course I feel rather embarrassed talking about these personal things on the internet. But like the carpenter from Nazareth once said: "The truth will set you free." Of course it is advisable to rent some house first, get to know her better, learn some basic Thai and about the way things work. I just feel sorry for her living with her mother in a timber house which is so old that when it rains the waters drips in. So the solution is to rent a house for her and her mother and eventually me to stay when I come. Any advice about that? Thanks again guys for taking time to help me.

So she no longer works in a salon in pattaya then, and she stays home with her mother, just a thought if she is a decent hairdresser maybe there is a job for her in her home town, the pay would be less than pattaya, but she would,nt be sitting round allday thinking about things, and as a suggestion you could say the both of you will put money away for a new house, as for the leaking roof,shame you can't get the carpenter from nazerath to make it good ..., her mother has probably been in that house for many years, and maybe quite happy there, she may not be happy in a rented house in town, away from her friends, as the oldies have lots of friends and in my experiance like the old way of living.And mothers are always nice to future son in laws.!
and as for the not understanding banks or tinternet, it's possible, but if she was in a salon in the heart of the entertainment scene most customers probably would be bar girls or dancers and the main topic would be farang boyfriends/money etc etc. (and i said if)
anyway all this is just my view ....good luck sugarfree.

Personally Sugarfree, I'm to paranoid about getting shafted left right and centre by another women that I have decided against getting involved in a long distance relationship.

Everyones situation is different. For me it's not worth the risk. I can wait a few more years before I live there and then meet someone. I'll probably paranoid even then

Anyway. Good luck to you. Hope it works out OK.