Consolidated Joke Thread

[BobHelm]

The 'Fringe Festival' in Edinburgh has just finished.
The UK satellite TV channel, Dave, now gives an annual award for the funnest 1 liner from the festival. That, in itself, is a bit of a joke given that Dave only shows repeats & nothing original itself...
This is this years top 10..

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[parrot]

"I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo."
Phyllis Diller, RIP

[jackspratt]

More Dillerisms:

- I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes?'

- You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- You know you're getting old when your blood type's been discontinued.

- I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap?'

- I realised on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed. My mother damn near suffocated.

- Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?

- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

- Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.

The blood type one is superb.

[stattointhailand]

[stattointhailand]

Anyone returning to UK in near future for hols etc; should be aware of the new ten quid note in circulation.

[mykthemin]

Look like silicon to me!

[stattointhailand]

Does that make her a "Plastic Royal"

[pienmash]

I personally am outraged at this unessessary disgusting portrayal of the Royal family ,i love my Liz Phil and Willy , Kate and Harry ,,,,, im so disgusted i may go burn down an embassy and murder all inside ,,,,,, Kate is a doll and a beauriful shape plastic or not .... looks great on a tenner if you ask me ....

The geordie eye test ,,,,,, wil mean little to some but top notch hilarity Statts .. the sad part is so many in the NE.actually fail the test as its too dificult.......lafft so much i had to change mi boxers

[stattointhailand]

Eiffel Tower Mods are now complete:-

[JimboPSM]

Would this be PC or un PC

[stattointhailand]

Probably not un PC Jimbo coz yer forgit ta menshon the contacts button being renamed Pets 'ome

[stattointhailand]

TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........





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'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again, Christian'

[stattointhailand]

[stattointhailand]

RACISM?



Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"



The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"



The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?



Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?



Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?



Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?



Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?


Or if I asked to hold a dinner meeting dressed up like a middle class Thai would you ask if I was Thai?"



The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."



The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords." :-" :-" :-"

[stattointhailand]

Breaking News!



Breaking news! Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars!

Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years!

[stattointhailand]

I don't know how many of you are familiar with this historical event, but now you will know!
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience.
He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion.
On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
A new Pope's reign was shortly followed recently by a new Chief Rabbi.

The Pope was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. So, he instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugged his shoulders and replied: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.








It was a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."

[docta]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

[harmonyudon]

In addition to the previous post:

[BigBubba]

On the 50's TV game shoe "You Bet You Life", Groucho Marx once asked a male contestant why he had so many children. The man replied, "Because I love my wife". Groucho replied, "I love my cigar too, but I take it out every once and awhile". His show was then cancelled. So much for Victorian America.

RIP Groucho, one of the all time great comedians.

Other Groucho one liners:

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Blood's not thicker than money.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

[docta]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver can't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.