Consolidated Joke Thread

[Liam Dale]

My lawyer asked me how I would like ongoing communication with my ex wife..
I said preferably through a spiritualist..

[Lionheart]

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' Of course child. What can I do for you?'

I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?' 'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,

[Mex]

I have decided to start a song writing career..my first effort is entitled "Udon Lament"

Oh give me a home,

Where my buffalo roam,

Where the snakes and the geckos can play,

Where never is heard,

A plain English word

Except "Thee Rakk..you must please pay!"

I will try and do the second verse next week.

[LoongLee]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital:

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time Plus-Size-Model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

"It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound, more of a whoosh than a rasp, and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

"To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

"I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur, “ Gone With The Wind" is more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
"I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance, it just crept out."

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers." he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan "Flame an' fart, keep 'em apart". Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.......

[747man]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital:

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time Plus-Size-Model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

"It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound, more of a whoosh than a rasp, and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

"To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

"I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur, “ Gone With The Wind" is more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
"I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance, it just crept out."

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers." he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan "Flame an' fart, keep 'em apart". Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.......

My God....I Cannot STOP Laughing...

[stattointhailand]

Big question is Will Tracey be back selling pies at this weekends matches

[747man]

Big question is Will Tracey be back selling pies at this weekends matches

She Does Alternate Weekends Statts..............This Weekend It's Scunthorpe.......

[boes]

Hmm.. I went into a restaurant and sat down. The waiter came over with a spoon in his top pocket and a string down the front of his body like a tie. He lifted the menu with the spoon and handed it to me. I gave him my order, he came back holding the plates and bread with the spoon. I asked him "Why are you lifting everything up with your spoon?" He said "Sir, we are the most hygienic restaurant in the country, we never use our hands at all". I said "Ok but why do you have a string hanging down your chest?" He said "When I go to the bathroom I lift it up with the string to pee so that I don't touch it with my hand". I said "That's amazing, but how do you put it back in" . He replied "I use the spoon

[Nigglyb]

I went for a meal in a Chinese restaurant & this duck came up to me with a red rose & said "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck

[goodison]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained.
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon.

[kulsungkham]

[boes]

Save $1000


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The Female Dog!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
=D>

[pal52]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[Lionheart]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.


Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.


‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.


He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.


He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’


Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’




‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

[boes]

https://youtu.be/rV3Xl06oKXw?t=23[/youtube]

https://youtu.be/rV3Xl06oKXw?t=23

[boes]

A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."

[747man]

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. "Holy ----, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no",
So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"
But the guys says "hell no"
So the billionaire says "well what the fu%k do you want?"
The guys still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the motherfu&ker who pushed me in the pool”..

[747man]

Some girl just got arrested for acting suspiciously on the BTS: she was not looking at her phone.

[vidmaster]

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''
Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you''
Other son said ''Me too Dad''
Dad said doesn't anyone in this family like pussy.
Daughter said ''I do''

[boes]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?"