heart talk

Hi guys ,I have met and married my thai wife about a year ago,she is with me in capetown, but has a child in thailand And i have 3 kids in capetown 34yrs 21 23 I want to settle in nong khai or in that area,
the question is how do you guys handle the fact that you have two families
in different parts of the world and that you dont see your kids for very long periods if ever,i am asking this because my brother divorced and left england 20yrs ago and has never been back to see his kid he now has a couple of children and is living in phillopines, this must be a strain on many of the guys on this forumI am not including the selfish bastards like my brother in this

That

I think this is a interesting topic and as LA says,''a tough one''!
Everyone has their own personal ''life story'' that effects the way we interact with everyone including family.

I too,come from a dysfunctional family background!I am the oldest sibling with a sister,two halfsisters and three halfbrothers.We spent very little time together growing up with me living in in several foster family situations as the only child from age 3-14,then living with my father,his wife, halfbrothers and a halfsister until being on my own at 16!

This type of ''upbringing'' basicly programs a ''loner'' and not much of a family man in relationship to my 2 marriages and 3 children from those marriages.I was always able to provide very good material security for my ''families'',but was not really there emotionally and physically!

Today,I have children aged 49 and 44 from the first marriage and a son 26 from the second marriage,I have 5 grand children and 8 greatgrandchildren in the USA and after several trips back to the states to ''visit'',I realized in 2002 that I missed my wife and stepdaughter in Thailand more than I enjoyed or felt connected to the USA family!Since then I have not been back to visit!

They all live all over the USA and it just got to be to expensive making the trips to see them when we have never been that close anyway!

Sometimes I entertain some feelings of guilt about not being involved with them,but the bottomline is that I am a good family man here and my focus is this relationship and their future.

We all ''growup'' in different ways and at different paces!It has taken me longer than most,but at 69,I do the best I can with who I am and what I have learned about myself!I accept the fact that I wasn't a good parent ,that I wasn't raised by good parents and I can't change any of the past!

I would like to see my USA family members and have suggested that they could come to Thailand easier than my going there,but it seems that pictures and emails are the best I will have and that is OK too!I am totally committed to my family here and that is good enough for me!

I am just entering a period during which extended visits with my grandkids will not be practical. I miss them already. Fortunately, most are old enough to stay in contact with me via email (8, 9, and 12 years old). The one year old is not quite ready for email, though. Occasional photos and video clips from their moms and dads help me feel like I am staying in touch, but its only when I visit in person that we really make "contact". Therefore, visiting, even if only for a week at a time, is still high on my list of priorities.

The internet is an amazing tool for staying in touch.

Interesting that someone else feels like I do just now, I'm in the process of winding up here in the UK and moving to UT, but I thought I was alone in my worries about loosing touch with my daughter, who although she doesn't live with me anymore, I like to keep in touch with, and also I worry about being so far away from my mum, who is now in her mid 80's.
Strangely I feel like I'm "deserting them" - my mum is oldish and might fall ill one day, my daughter has started out on making a family of her own, but with the divorce rates as they are in the UK, will she need my help in the future ?
Both of them tell me to go and enjoy the rest of my life, before it's too late, but I still feel a little nagging inside of me.
Strangely it's comforting to know that others have reservations about leaving their families behind, means I'm not just a big softy after all, I'm just normal (well as normal as a Yorkshireman can be !)

i would like to say to mally and designer that you dont have to be there, to be there for them!!! my circumstances were very similar to mally family wise. i have a 23 year old son, living with his girlfriend, an aging mother and a sister 4 yrs my senior who fortunatly lives close to my mother. my mothers response to me moving to thailand was, is she a nice girl, will she make you happy, if so you have to go. bless her. my sister ive never been close to, but she did point out to me that id spent my whole adult life , living for other people , and to now live whats left for me. my son was very anti to start with, but slowly he realised that i had a great relationship here and my thai wife made me happy, he too accepted my choice. now my son and i have always been very close, i would say we are best friends even, and me moving here permanantly 3 years ago has not changed our relationship one bit. with the computer and phone we probably talk to each other as much as we ever did, its a shrinking world, and i can get back to the u.k within a day , if i ever have to.

I have an 8yr old daughter back in the UK and a 78yr old mother....
My daughter lives with her mother and is well cared for...Yes she misses her Dad so we talk on the Internet,write e.mails and send each other photos, every month or so I send her a box of presents...the usual crap that kids like... , candy, keyrings, electronic toys that make lots of noise etc etc....Yes, it takes a year or so to adapt to this long distance relationship but now she thinks she's special because she has a Dad that lives abroad and gets lots of stuff that most kids in the UK dont have
My Mother.....She just had a heart attack last month .... (not the type of phone call anyone realy wants to get) I was back in the UK within 48hrs after finding a ticket and getting all the connections...3 weeks taking care of her until she had recovered and I was able to return back to Udon last week...now I phone her 3 times a week instead of 2 just to make sure she's OK
So yes its hard to have family between two different countrys, but its quite east to adapt!

I retired early due to my wife's health. I'm glad I did . We were able to spend some guality time together, unfortunately, she passed 13 months after I retired. Our retirement home was an hour's drive from my family, who all live pretty close to one another. After we moved, visits from the family became non-existant and the wife and I had to do the traveling when we wanted to mainly see the grandchildren. After she died, I began to make a new life and have many new friends that I'm almost embarassed to say are closer to me than my own family. I will never lose my love for them, but after 8 years of loneliness, I met my current Thai wife, married her and have been living very happyly since. We have made 3 trips together back to the States and it's just not as nice as it once was, so I'm in Thailand for the duration. Even trips have been suspended undefinitely due to the costs involved in traveling. Oh, and I do miss my Mom. She will turn 90 next month and still lives alone and takes care of herself. I also miss the kids and grand kids, but am on no quilt trip anymore about curtailed visits. They can afford more than I can the trips across the ocean, but hell, they didn't even take an 80 mile trip across the lake to visit me for the 8 years before I moved to Thailand. Anyway, we all have our reasons and mine is , I've found happiness in the LOS.

So many stories and yet, all the same... including mine. I've always been a loner, having left home immediately after completing H.S. and joining the Navy. Married (a number of times) 3 boys, 47, 45 and 42 plus a daughter 12. The daughter is the most difficult and she's not even my own 'blood' (adopted at 1 day old). Dad is 93 and lives in an assisted care facility in Calif. and my only sister lives 3500 miles away in Virginia. Sure I miss them all but finances being what they are today, I can't afford to visit other than via the internet and telephone. I'm completely happy living here with my Thai wife. I may be called 'selfish' but at 67, I deserve to keep myself happy as much as I can... but here's the key, if I'm not happy, I'm certainly not going to make anyone else happy. Such is life (or at least the one I've chosen).

I guess you could say my move to Udon is for slightly different reasons. I came here for both financial reasons along with personal. The finance part was I worked for my families furniture business and after two years of the business losing money I decided to come to Udon to give the business a break from my salary.

The personal is all I could think about was being here in Udon when I was in the US. Since I never had any kids and my younger brother lives close to both Mom and Dad I decided to make the move back in Jan. and never looked back. Sure I miss the family but because on the Internet I send home a weekly newsletter that the family enjoys.

Like Mally said I felt as though I was "deserting them" but I was told by the whole family to go as they could see this is what I wanted. If you really want to be here then come your family should understand. I am learning life as an expat is very different than that of living in your home country and the people staying behind will never fully understand what drives you here or anywhere else in the world. Do what makes YOU happy not everyone else, it's not easy, it took me 4 or 5 years to finally make the break but I'm glad I did now. Also my wife of 9 years is happy to be back in her hometown and for me it's becoming more like home everyday.

I am the youngest of six, a sister,a halfsister and two halfbrothers and a brother, I had many step fathers, on my own at 16, school dropout, juvenile delinquent, joined the Army, divorced twice, one 12 year old daughter who never calls, never writes, never visits, but says she loves me I have tried. I had good friends in the Army and places where I worked, but family and relationships always leaves me feeling like an outsider. I can't say I'm happy being a loner, but I'm happier. What will I be walking away from when I move to LOS this year?

saint wrote:i would like to say to mally and designer that you dont have to be there, to be there for them!!!

Well put... I feel the same sense of guilt at times and wonder if I should be here or back in Ireland. I have 3 daughters and also an elderly mother. Having said that my mother is all there in good health and not frail and has a boyfriend and an active social life.

When I go home I am miserable as f**k and can't wait to get back so I try to justify it to myself that I'm a better son/brother/father here and happy with a good woman that keeps me sane instead of what would eventually be a sad old drunk back in Ireland that would probably be dead within 2 years.

Very thought provoking topic designer.

wow, what a fcuked up bunch of w a n k e r/yanker dysfunctional pieces of outcast society you all are............................................ok, we all are. all the more reason to attend the monthly therapy sessions at night market. may have to change the name from udonmap unofficial/offiicial monthly night market meetings to.........................................i don't know, just 'fcuked up therapy night'.

but it's great being us

The biggest headache I had leaving the UK was that I felt I was deserting my parents when they would soon be needing me most. I use to live a few hundred yards from them and was always popping around to do jobs that they couldn't manage and also going around for Mums cooking. There not going to be around for ever and me leaving will put extra responsibility on my brother.
As for my son, at 26 he's made a good life for himself despite his mother and me not being the best of parents. We got real close when he lived with for 4 years before I came out to Thailand. He has his life to get on with, I have mine.
You can't live your life for someone else. Despite the doubts, coming here was the best thing I've done.

laphanphon wrote:wow, what a fcuked up bunch of w a n k e r/yanker dysfunctional pieces of outcast society you all are............................................ok, we all are. all the more reason to attend the monthly therapy sessions at night market. may have to change the name from udonmap unofficial/offiicial monthly night market meetings to.........................................i don't know, just 'fcuked up therapy night'.

but it's great being us

Did fate drive us to LOS or did we find it on our own?