Parenting, too harsh or not???

Yesterday,I caught my daughter on the back of a motorbike with her friend,no helmuts!

We have had several conversations about her having to wear a helmut if on a M/B and that if she didn't she would be in big trouble with me.

I take and pick hewr up for school daily,but sometimes she will call and ask if she can come home on a M/B with a friend.The answer is usually yes,but a helmut for her is a must!

I believe it is an important issue and want her to have a punishment or consequences that will remind her of the importance of wearing a helmut.She has seen 2 girls from her school killed and one seriously injured,so it is not that she isn't aware of the dangers!

She is on school break all next week and would usually spend time on the computer,telephone and watching TV,versus lots of studying and early to bed early to rise!

I gave her 2 choices of punishment:
1)No TV,no comp,no telephones for the week,housework and studying for her English University entrance exams only,studying to be done at the kitchen table,plus the first week back to school,she will get up an hour earlier each day and will walk to and from school for he week!
OR
2)I will buy her a helmut,she will walk to and from school for the week,wearing the helmut and will carry the helmut with her to her classes for the week!

She chose option number 1,which mildly surprised me ,because her social life is on the comp and the telephone!

I guess the face issue about the helmut is the greater punishment for her.

It is my intention to try and follow through with this punishment,but if she handles it well,I am prone to shortening it!

What do you think about the punishment?

Stan I think the punishment is too harsh, particularly option 2. As Trubrit says, you don't want to alienate her or push her away from you, and whilst at a sensitive age.

I too can see why she would opt for option 1, as option 2 would be too embarrassing and involve too much loss of face. Be aware that others would also become aware of the "offence" disagreement between you. Both seem quite harsh to me.

Can you not approach it from the angle of letting her see that you are disappointed and saddened that she should let you down in that way, and trust that it was just a "one-off" situation, - like letting her know that she didn't live up to her usual high standards. I don't think you should be too disciplinarian.

Good Luck

A week is an eternity for kids that age. Maybe have her do without tv for a couple of days, and non-use of the cellphone for a half-day or full day. Let her debate you about red and yellow shirts for an hour, with you doing all of the talking, that will cure anyone of bad habits!

Seriously, I would cut down the punishment time. If she has a favourite tv programme, do not let her watch it for a night. That should be enough to let her know that you are concerned, and that any further helmet infraction will have more serious consequences.

If this is her "1st" offense, then a week may be a little overboard. A couple days cutting into her social life by grounding with no comp, phone, or TV should make the point you are serious.

But, reinforce it with taking her down to the police station and showing her some photos of MC accidents without helmets of kids that thought it wouldn't happen to them. Maybe, with that, she would get on the bandwagon to get her friends to wear helmets.

Stan, I think a week off the techno gadgets is fair. Option 2 is a little out-there, unless you were just using it for the shock value! After hearing option 2 she must have thought option 1 would be a cake-walk!

Option 2 would have humiliated her in front of her friends (worst thing you can do to a kid that age, Thai or not).
But you can keep it on the table as the punishment for the next time she fails to wear a helmet. Hopefully it won't happen again.

I think see chose option 1 as she thinks you might relent after a day or so.
The reality is that at that age she relates to her friends and doesnt take in your views.You are there just to pay the bills,unfortunately.
I'm starting to get similar problems with our 12 year old son.....not coming home on time,playing online games every free moment he gets,rude to his mum,asking about a motorbike etc.
I try to speak to him in a friendly joking way about this with the occassional clip around the earhole but I can feel my control slipping away......its just the way life is with kids and you have to just hope they turn out OK.
I think if you become a strict disciplinarian with them you make the problem a lot worse and as much as us dads would like to choke the living **** out of the little sods,its not really an option !

When our daughter started driving to high school (in Texas) many years ago, part of the hand shake deal was, seat belt had to be on before leaving the driveway. One day she didn't. She lost driving privileges for a week and took the school bus. How humiliating. Suck it in! She learned her lesson.

Visit the trauma ward in Udon General Hospital or the Military Hospital....talk to some of the nurses there about the number of motorcycle accidents involving kids.....then decide if it's important to wear a helmet (or not ride a motorcycle at all!).

I agree with parrot.
Make the punishment sharp and focused.
Hit her where it hurts -- her social life.
But make it quick and easy for her to recover.
One week seems appropriate to me. Straight home.
She will remember.

I agree with Texpat, and this does not happen often. A lot of talking does not work if there is no punishment to followup if the talking does not work. They will remember the punishment a lot longer then the talk, you are doing the right thing stan

Hard stuff,punishment!Lets see,Friday night after the incident,she spent her time studying for her English entrance exams at the kitchen table (in sight),very subdued,studied for 3 hours,took shower and went to bed.Saturday,She started studying about 10AM to lunch,did her chores,still subdued affect ,no talking!

She had several messages on her phone and I gave it to her at lunch for 30 minutes(soft hearted ).

She went back to studying after lunch and I went to the Gym.About 1430,she calls me and asks if she can use the computer,I replied ''No''!She went back to studying and when I came home,I brought her some ''highlighting pens and tablets'',talked to her about their use in her studying!

She gave the dog a thorough ''tick check and removal''(about 30 ticks a day lately),asked if she could use the computer again!

I gave her 30 minutes,telling her that she was doing her punishment ''tour''well!(soft hearted )

We went to dinner,came home and she began studying again for about an hour,we reviewed her work(her attitude and affect had improved).

8PM,Told her that was enough for the day and that she was still doing a good job!

She promptly asks if she can use the computer

I say ''yes''(soft hearted )

9 PM,I tell her to finish up on the computer,she replies ''but it is only 9 oclock?''(she is used to staying up on the computer until midnight on Fri. and Sat. nights),I reminded her that she will still on ''Punishment''!

No problem,attitude OK,showered and off to bed!

If she keeps going the way she has,I will most likely keep limiting the severity of her ''punishment tour'',as the punishment is only designed to heighten her awareness and alter her behavior!I am taking many opportunities to give her ''postive reinforcement'' for her actions in the present,while verbally re-emphasizing the seriousness of her indiscretion regarding wearing a helmut and deceit!

I want her to have some free time during school break because I think it is important for her to not be ''burnt out'' when she returns for regular classes.

I plan on keeping the walk to school and back for a week part of the punishment,but I will probably limit it to a day or two,if the present behavior patterns persist!(soft hearted )

I plan on emphasizing that a further infraction regarding ''helmut'' will bring no choices in punishment,but will in fact inclde a combination of the two and she will serve the full ''tour'',so she should think before she acts!!!

Sorry, this was typed before Stan's post above, so does not reflect his post or comments therein, and was in fact intended to balance up a couple of the "take a hard line" posters.:-

Be careful here, there are two other factors involved here:

1. This is Thailand and one should consider what action is appropriate against the background of what would be usual in their culture. Thus I suggest a softer approach.

2. Most of us are speaking from the perspective and standards that we are accustomed too, being from an older generation. Standards and approaches change.

Don't forget that she will discuss the discipline/sanctions applied with her peers and possibly with their families too, or it will get back to them, and one doesn't want to be perceived as an overzealous disciplinarian or farang "ogre".

arjay wrote:Be careful here, there are two other factors involved here:

1. This is Thailand and one should consider what action is appropriate against the background of what would be usual in their culture. Thus I suggest a softer approach.

2. Most of us are speaking from the perspective and standards that we are accustomed too, being from an older generation. Standards and approaches change.

Don't forget that she will discuss the discipline/sanctions applied with her peers and possibly with their families too, or it will get back to them, and one doesn't want to be perceived as an overzealous disciplinarian or farang "ogre".

I understand your points,but every relationship situation is different!

In my case,I don't subscribe to being afraid of her Thai friends and parents thoughts and feelings about me ,as a parent ,person or falang!What I do subscribe to and talk about with my family is;that all our relationships are superficial and hopefully friendly from our actions and perspective,that none of us are from this area,therefore,the thinking and feelings directed towards us are not done so with our personal welfare as the motive!

Whether anyone agrees with me or not,we live our life by our standards,trying not have ''confrontation'' with the locals!We are as superficial as they are,but always trying to act friendly,neighbourly and ,at times,helpful!
It is reality living,from my perspective and I re-enforce it during family discussions!Her chances of having longterm friendships of any intimacy with her fellow ''school buddies''are limited ,at best!

During summer breaks from school she hardly sees or communicates with any of the girls,which ,to me,is an indicator of how ''close'' they actually are!As far as I can see,the main force of her relationships are that her father ''ferries'' them around ocassionally and they copy her schoolwork

Hi,
For anyone to say "over a petty thing". I can not understand. Not wearing a helmet is against the law for a start. Are you condoning her breaking the law. The main thing is it could get her killed. Would you like that, I would not. About 6 months ago I saw a m/cyclist killed just of the ring road. Had stopped to drop child off and he and his wife drove off. Straight into the path of a car. The wife was wearing a helmet, and you've guessed it, his helmet was hanging from the handlebars. The wife had minor injuries, his head was split open. Killed instantly. Not a pretty sight. The handlebars of the bike were not damaged.
If your daughter has done this more than once you have got to punish her. How you do it is entirely up to you.
Yes you are right to punish her over a serious matter like this.