Why do our partners try to change us?

OK, thought I'd ask where I've gone wrong in the past.

I've had a few relationships in the past. In each one I've said to them that they would always come first, but I need my own time to enjoy my sport.

In the past I've played football, cricket and golf. Due to old age football has gone out of the window now.

Initially, my partner has been happy with this arrangement. All I have asked for is half a day at the weekend to do my thing.

So, why is it, after about 12 months, they start to get moody and complain?

I've been open and honest from the beginning. I haven't changed. Why do they want to change me? Why do they expect me to go shopping on a Saturday?

Guess I'll never understand the fairer sex. To me they are a complete mystery.

Gary

Ahhhh, but surely as long as you can maintain the mystery, or they surprise you (this applys both ways girls, before I get the ) the better it is.

They like shopping, I can sympathise actually about the golf (kidding Gary ) so its give and take.

"They" don't get moody....its normal settled life that sets in. We all get a bit bored with that.

John

This is a very lengthy but extremely interesting piece on a group of six Americans who went to Thailand to find prospective wives. They eventually end up in Udon Thani, believe it or not, and are lectured by a Thai woman on how to treat the Thai woman they might fancy. Some eye-opening advice from that woman! But what caught my attention and got me reading this 10-page feature was the initial reference to the city of Udon Thani:

"The next stop is Udon Thani, a town famous for beautiful women and their marriages to farangs. Jum [a girl in Bangkok one of the men has met] knows all about Udon Thani and doesn't want Greg to go, but he's going anyway."

So like it or not, Udon Thani seems to have a unique reputation of sorts--not just in the world generally--but even amongst Thai women.

Here's the article:

http://www.westword.com/Issues/2006-03-02/news/feature_1.html

In Italy, we say "your woman will try to change you at her wish, and when you'll changed, she will tell you aren't the man she knows" (sorry for my English).

The man that knows women hasn't born yet!

Your Icio

Interesting read Garnet,

Cheers,

Gary

iciodaverona wrote:In Italy, we say "your woman will try to change you at her wish, and when you'll changed, she will tell you aren't the man she knows" (sorry for my English).

The man that knows women hasn't born yet!

Your Icio

Perfect English Icio, we have the same saying.....

Although if you knew them entirely..how boring would that be...

Same Same as they say..women (and I guess men ) the world over

No change or attempts to change in this house. Simple requirements were sorted out from day one like "I fart so you are also welcome to fart". That luxury has always been shared equally.
At times early on TW attempting to correct me up for things that one should not do, until I would give her a reminder that "this is Kiwiland culture we are currently living in not Thai darling".

Some of the basic rules of the article I agree with, many I could not, (the first golden rule is being broken by this lot) not only from my own view but also from how I know my partner, and her girlfriends think. An American and a Malay Chinese giving others advice on Thai women and culture, is perhaps why the article did not quite gel with me, or perhaps that I have little emphathy for "love tours" - obedient serving wife obtained before departure. Still, if both parties are happy then good luck to them both.

Roadman, my inclination lies in your direction. As well, everyone is an individual, and not necessarily able to be defined by someone else's rule. Still, there are generalisations that can also popularly fit in anywhere that anybody wants to insert them.

The item made me think, though. My wife might finally be here in Canada before Summer. She is as stubborn as a freaking mule, and easily set off. But she's never set foot outside of her country.

In Thailand, well, it's not always a smooth glide for this dude juxtaposed with her. And nor should it be, I expect. I'm there holidaying--not living my day-to-day Canadian lifestyle.

The roles here will be opposed beyond anything that I think that she can realistically imagine. I cannot even conjecture what's before us. I'm only hoping that her marvel of all that is so unknown to her will endure long enough for her to accomplish a firm enough grasp of what is required of me in every financial angle. She does fathom that I am not a "rich farang." She has had sufficient comparisons via other Thai female acquaintances (known or reported) to know it to be true. Soon, she will live this truth.

I know that she's a good girl, and loyal. She's just headstrong, outspoken, and less than demure where our relationship is concerned. She'd love to be calling every shot. But again, I'm not the flake on a Thailand holiday that she's going to find herself with here. Bedtime at 8:30 p.m. for me--up at 3:30 a.m. for work! Hey, the same guy who has beer with his first meal of the day in Thailand cannot possibly carry forth the same protocols with her that she has come to be familiar with.

Yes, I can Retire in less than four years--this won't be an unendurable span of time for us, I hope. We can cope. I am not inflexible, and neither is she. She knows my intent in regards to Thailand. I expect that the sole flaw may be that she might grow too accustomed to being here--she may become too facile in adapting to being Canadian. With two young sons back home in the family Non Soong village home, there's always the huge chance that her adaptation may compel her to logically want to bring them here, too. And thus forgo my Retirement to Thailand, as I have in mind.

Changes. They are by no means one-sided! Ask me to report more in nine month's or a year's time!

well.. after being with the TW for over 32 years, I can say that times can be good or bad.. Of all the Thai/Farang marriages I've seen, I'd say over half resulted in split-ups for a variety of reasons, both from the male and from the female side...

what made it work for us...??

money; 50/50 always, joint accounts and equal decision making toward any major purchase and equal frugality as both of us came from relatively (for both U.S. and Thailand) poor households. We scrimped, we saved, but always had a decent life and gave our kids a good life too. I've seen many a marriage, not necessarily Thai/Farang go on the rocks due to money problems..

Battles Royale but never about money.. Yup, tooth and nail, muay Thai/muay Farang but just too dang stubborn to split up.. A warped sense of humor in both of us usually led to raucous laughter after a dustup.. There's been many a times where one of us would demand divorce with the other refusing out of hard-headedness.. Yet in the long run, it's all worked out.

Trust.. unequivocal on both sides although the TW certainly can occassionally go out with her friends dancing or card-playing till 0300 wheras if I tried that, it'd be back to a Battle Royale.. I guess in balance it worked out fine.. She trusts me and I trust her..

Williness to give in for the big things on both sides.. 21 1/2 years in the military and she followed me around the world.. Now on the flip side I've stayed in SE Asia for the last 8 years and intend to retire in Udon.. Payback in kind for the young lady who traveled in 1976 across a very large globe to the States with no expectation of ever returning to Thailand. (no money back then!!).

No questions about previous lives, no finger pointing, look to the future always.. After we committed to each other and then later married, there has never been a time where either of us has dug up the past.. done deal, doesn't matter..

Of course, some folks run into that family support thing.. Perhaps I was lucky as the wife had only her mother who we sent money to, and a step-sister who's only benefited since we returned over this way.. Again, all expenditures were decided jointly with no secret sending/hiding of money. I never felt even back in 76 that the $50-100 a month we sent old Mae-Yai was much of an imposition, particularly when the wife worked too. Just part of any child's obligation to a parent who had no means of support.

What's to expect these days?? I'd say that even a girl form the lower classes in Thailand is far far more sophisticated today than 30 years ago. Better educated, more willing to travel and yes with higher expectations in life than my wife or I probably had back then.. I'd say that if anything, Thai girls these days would probably be more demanding than way back then. Actually, anybody that decides to get married can only expect stiff challenges when it's an inter-cultural marriage.. Expect problems, deal with them, solve them and don't give up..

Anyone that is compteplating marriage, cut out Daves Post, put it in your wallet and read it weekly.

I agree 100% and all thru his post is the words WE or US. Decisions are WE.

Notice I did not say Thai/Falang. This is good info for anyone. Just raise it one notch for Thai/Falang.

I've seen two tenets hold true over the years:

1. Our strengths, taken to the extreme, become our weaknesses (and
usually show up under stress).

2. What attracted you to someone in the first place usually becomes what
drives you crazy about them later on (see #1).

Who we are and what we are -- good and bad -- is so inextricably tied together that it's difficult to change a characteristic without affecting something else. Changing a behavior out of consideration for a request should be fairly easy, but changing a fundamental personality characteristic, or value, goes too close to the essence of a person.

And still, people get married carrying a fantasy in their heads that "close enough" can eventually be molded to "perfect."

SHARA

you are what you are. change it !, at your peril !!....

FrazeeDK wrote:She trusts me and I trust her

Sorry for clipping your post Dave, but agree entirely...

Anybody who can meet a Thai woman outside the "tourist" exprerience, has the opportunity to meet somebody who is fiercely loyal to death, will put his needs ahead of her own..... but is certainly not the "little wife" that some alpha males from the west want and expect.

We argue, and I lose morally because I have never, ever, seen her get angry. She is far smarter than that (and she will laugh when she logs on here and sees this) And she is from an Issan poor village.....with the advantage of education and a good brain.

Its just WE...as Brian says, and that holds true despite my past mistakes.

No disrepect to farang woman Shara.... I would have easily married one or two if circumstance had not sent me this way

I am almost afraid to put this here but will. The whole entire thread is a very positive posting. A few differences of opinion, but that is what makes this work. If we all thought the same who would read this. I have thoroughly enjoyed this thread.

Thanks Galee.

I agree completely on the health of this discussion.

In the end, really, don't our relationship questions go to our commonality as humans? Not falangs, not Thais, but men and women finding our ways to each other (and around in other, and through each other). Admittedly, this is harder in a Thai-falang relationship, but many of the fundamental issues that crop are the same everywhere. I do think there is a cultural bias in our countries to attribute Thai-falang relationship issues around money and finances, sexual fidelity, and communication to the wife being Thai, when frankly those are issues that are at the top of the list for falang-falang marriage difficulties also.

[BTW, it would be very difficult to "offend" me as a falang woman. I've lived and/or worked in too many cultures around the world to consider myself the stereotypical falang woman. In fact, I doubt Stephen could have loved me again (still) had I not been capable of connecting as deeply as I did with Thailand and been capable of loving the Thai aspect of his children's lives.]

Here's what I connected with most, in establishing my own new relative relationships with Thai women:

1. As mentioned before, their fierce loyalty and sense of family and belongingness. Stephen's ex-wife's family had no intention whatsoever of letting him leave their family, and they immediately brought me into that special, protected circle. This was true of our in-laws, also, and they expected that we would enfold our new daughter-in-law in the same circle as she came to the U.S.

2. The joy of children. This is, quite simply, a universal language of women everywhere. A baby to cuddle, a child to admire -- this will transcend language difficulties anywhere, anytime.

We share many more similarities than differences.

SHARA