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kopkei
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one day in the distant future...

Post by kopkei » December 2, 2010, 4:10 pm

One day in the distant future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says Satan. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go....."



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Re: JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » January 10, 2011, 9:13 pm

I just sent my wife a picture of my flacid member to prove I was thinking of her.

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tamada
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Re: JOKES (take 3 )

Post by tamada » January 15, 2011, 5:48 am

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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trekkertony
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Fact or Fiction you decide

Post by trekkertony » January 28, 2011, 5:09 pm

Interesting History


Where did Piss Poor come from?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot.....they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,
a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

So...get out there and educate someone! ~~~ Share these
facts with a friend.

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jackspratt
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Re: Fact or Fiction you decide

Post by jackspratt » January 28, 2011, 5:27 pm


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nkstan
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Intelligent British

Post by nkstan » April 18, 2011, 6:42 am

Newspaper reports from three countries regarding the discovery of ancient copper wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, German scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a
story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the Germans".



One week later, the Council in Teesside , North-Eatern England, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Eston Hills, Jack Lucklow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."



Just makes you bloody proud to be British.

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Wee Jimmy
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by Wee Jimmy » April 18, 2011, 12:16 pm

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.


The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln
there, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln
there, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.


He then traveled to York, Durham and Liverpool

In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving the N of England decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scot’s had the same phone.

He arrived in Glasgow, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50pence here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Scotland now, son ... it's a local call.'

KEEP SMILING

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Adhoc
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by Adhoc » April 18, 2011, 6:02 pm

Proof that girls are evil:
First we state that girls require time and money
"Girls = time x money"
And as we all know, time is money:
"Time = Money"
Therefore:
"Girls = money x money = money²"
And because "money is the root of all evil":
" Money = √evil"
Therefore:
"Girls = (√evil)²"
and we are forced to conclude that:
"Girls = evil"

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jackspratt
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by jackspratt » April 21, 2011, 7:54 pm

Prostate Exam...Thai Style... ..

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Medicare Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by broon97 » May 14, 2011, 10:09 pm

A few one liners for the weekend !!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger.Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not f--k--g listening.

Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was. ??

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jackspratt
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by jackspratt » May 14, 2011, 10:23 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?

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nkstan
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by nkstan » May 22, 2011, 5:40 pm

WALK NAKED IN SOUTH AFRICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM, all South African women are asked to walk out of
their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.
All patriotic South African men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to
prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is
further proof of your patriotism.
The South African government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists

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bigphil30uk
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by bigphil30uk » May 24, 2011, 10:19 pm

I have just resigned from my job at the Helium Balloon Company, I am not being spoken to like that.

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UdonExpat
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by UdonExpat » July 23, 2011, 4:28 pm

401-KEG Plan



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!

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grozza
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by grozza » July 24, 2011, 4:03 pm

a couple driving home from dinner run over a possum,they get out and find it still breathing but bloodied and freezing cold ,the husband say to his wife put it between your legs and warm it up,wife replies its all wet and it stinks hubby says well hold the possums nose then.

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bigphil30uk
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by bigphil30uk » July 26, 2011, 8:25 pm

I believe Elton John will sing at Amy Winehouse's funeral.
"Candle Under The Spoon"

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 12:52 pm

Dear Dierdrie
I had jus t come out of the shower and was drying myself when I happened to peek through the bedroom window and saw my neighbours beautiful teenage daughter sunbathing in the garden. As I watched she sat up and removed her bikini top. As nature took effect I started to get more and more excited as I secretly watched her nubile body, until the final ecstacy approached. Just as I was finishing I turned away and saw my wife standing in the doorway, watching me with her arms folded. Dierdrie, tell me, is she a pervert?

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 12:59 pm

My friend Mary started a new job a couple of days ago at the toy factory that makes Emos (Emos are those cute cuddly toys that giggle and squirm when you tickle them under the arms).
At the end of the first day, Mary's line manager went to see HR to complain about her effect on the production line. Don't worry about it, he was told, It's only her first day and she is going to be a little slow.
However, on the second day the line manager was back in HR complaining about Mary and her effect on production. The HR boss followed the line manager onto the production floor where he saw a huge crowd standing round Mary's work position, with piles of Emos all around her. A they got closer they could see Mary stitching a tiny pair of fur balls onto the groin of an Emo. For Pete's sake Mary cried out the HR man. I told you to give each Emo two test tickles!

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 1:03 pm

I was watching one f those appeals for aid to africa, you know the sort of thing, pictures of the refugee camps and one particular scene of an african baby covered with flies. I made a note of the number,I want one of those kids, they work much better than the sticky strips I use.

hairyharry
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 1:09 pm

Mick went into the farm machinery shed and found Paddy with his trousers round his ankles playing with himself. Wot are you doin Paddy shouts Mick. Well Mick, says Paddy, you know how I feel about young Mary and its been getting me down. Its got so bad I went to see the doctor. He said to me, Paddy, use your brain, you need to clean yourself up and do something sexy to attract her.

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