I don't know how many of you are familiar with this historical event, but now you will know!
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience.
He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion.
On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
A new Pope's reign was shortly followed recently by a new Chief Rabbi.

The Pope was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. So, he instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugged his shoulders and replied: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.








It was a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

In addition to the previous post:

On the 50's TV game shoe "You Bet You Life", Groucho Marx once asked a male contestant why he had so many children. The man replied, "Because I love my wife". Groucho replied, "I love my cigar too, but I take it out every once and awhile". His show was then cancelled. So much for Victorian America.

RIP Groucho, one of the all time great comedians.

Other Groucho one liners:

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Blood's not thicker than money.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver can't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Keep up the great jokes folks.

I get most of them!

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN



To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1.. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2.. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3.. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4.. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5.. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6.. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7.. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8.. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



-------------------

9.. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Sorry Jack

This is more a case of memory jogging than a joke, but fun to look..

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.

* Curry was an unknown entity.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet. Bought from the Chemist.

* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate. Way more fun than prunes !

* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.

* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.

* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.

* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. Still is !

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* Soup was a main meal.

* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.

* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.

* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Sauce was either brown or red.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.

* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.

* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs. Porridge the only effective breakfast for northerners

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Cheese only came in a hard lump.

* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.

* Eating out was called a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Eggs only came fried or boiled.

* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was compulsory.

* Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.

* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Mixed with lemon for use inside crepes ie proper pancakes.

* Prunes were purely medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal. Still are in a lot of households

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would have become a laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was only about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."

Statto...oh oh oh so true....

Statto - brilliant and so true....

Crumpets were girls and you ate pykletts

Chicken was a luxury meal

Semolina had jam and was stirred round and round

In 1954 I spent 5 months in Kent and London.

I remember our breakfast:

It was Kippers, White bread with Margarine ( No butter at that time) but always a nice mug of Tea with sugar and milkpowder.

Also I never forgot the fish 'n chips wrapped in Newspaper. Never had it better and still longing for it here in Thailand.

And Bovril! Is it still in the market in UK?

Kind regards from maxeboy.

And Bovril! Is it still in the market in UK?

Sure is Maxeboy. Not 100% sure, but I think Jon at Chern Chim had some a while back too

My wife say's she's discovered what's wrong with my brain...
On the left side there's nothin' right and on the right side there's nothin' left!

Am I a Good Citizen or What?


Whilst strolling alongside the Manawatu River this morning I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the riverbank and fall into the water .

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Kiwi, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Palmerston North Police, the Immigration Office and even the SES Rescue team.

It is now 5pm, and none of the authorities have yet responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.

Slight error there Tony ......... stamps weren't used until about 1840, which was a couple of decades after that joke was written

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the a--e in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Seriously laughed out loud at this one...then had to try to explain it to the wife!

KB

From JOHN CLEESE ...




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

> Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
> Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
> ship.
> "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
> the mass of people.
>
> "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
> showing."
> And they did.
>
> "Now we eat everybody."
> And they did.
>
> The son asked,
> "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around
> and around them?"
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the ----
> out of them first!"