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stattointhailand
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Am l a good citizen

Post by stattointhailand » August 8, 2013, 4:25 pm

Slight error there Tony ......... stamps weren't used until about 1840, which was a couple of decades after that joke was written [-X



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BigBubba
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by BigBubba » September 7, 2013, 3:20 pm

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the a--e in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

KB_Texas

JOKES (take 3 )

Post by KB_Texas » September 7, 2013, 3:31 pm

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

Seriously laughed out loud at this one...then had to try to explain it to the wife! ;)

KB

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by BigBubba » September 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

From JOHN CLEESE ...




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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747man
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by 747man » September 7, 2013, 6:20 pm

> Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
> Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
> ship.
> "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
> the mass of people.
>
> "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
> showing."
> And they did.
>
> "Now we eat everybody."
> And they did.
>
> The son asked,
> "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around
> and around them?"
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the ----
> out of them first!"

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by udonman » September 9, 2013, 10:59 pm

LION TAMER

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late fifties and
the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a
gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by BigBubba » September 13, 2013, 10:37 am

Obviously dated, but still amusing:

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM “AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL”

Cuba, Sudan, Serbia form “Axis of Somewhat Evil” − Other Nations Start Own Clubs. Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.


MEMBERSHIP CLOSED

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are just as evil, – in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. “Everybody knows we’re the best at being evil.” Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded; although they conceded that they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the Evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake, – ours is wicked cool.”


THE AXIS PANDEMICElsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical musical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the “Axis of Somewhat Evil,” forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil;” while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.”

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the “Axis of Countries that Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics Any Time Soon.” Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America;” while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the “Axis of Countries That Allow Sheep to Wear Lipstick.”

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. Bush granted approval for most axes; although he rejected the establishment of the “Axis of Countries Whose Names End in ‘Guay’,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel and Switzerland, meanwhile, insisted they didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, their leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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Wee Jimmy
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by Wee Jimmy » September 13, 2013, 10:59 am

Fantastic News concerning Pensions and Benefits in the UK .





Page down :











































نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم

خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

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747man
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Over The Hill ??

Post by 747man » September 16, 2013, 9:34 am

Over the HILL

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It’s all true! Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
and heading towards 70, or even....... beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.


And you notice these are all
in big print
for your convenience.


Forward this to everyone
you can remember
right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

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Prenders88
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Over The Hill ??

Post by Prenders88 » September 16, 2013, 9:58 am

You are unemployable, everywhere.
That pretty young wife/girlfriend on your arm, she is only there for the money.
The cock that gets up in the morning is not yours, it is the sound of the crowing cock from a nearby farm.
You can't read the street names on the free map that can be picked up around town.
You become the Invisible Man back in your own country.
Udon Thani, best seen through your car's rear view mirror.

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747man
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Joke...........

Post by 747man » September 19, 2013, 10:27 pm

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LIVERPOOL GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days,but on the third day,he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day,he saw his house was clean,the dishes were done,and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Liverpool.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he passes water.

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pompui
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Joke...........

Post by pompui » September 19, 2013, 11:37 pm

Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k


Mod Note: Topics merged

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Astana
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Joke...........

Post by Astana » September 20, 2013, 12:25 am

pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
I thought it was a serious comment on the sociological feminist dominance over men in Liverpool and serious indictment of male weakness in that part of England.

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pompui
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Joke...........

Post by pompui » September 20, 2013, 5:15 am

Astana wrote:
pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
I thought it was a serious comment on the sociological feminist dominance over men in Liverpool and serious indictment of male weakness in that part of England.
Fair dinkum :lol:

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papaguido
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Joke...........

Post by papaguido » September 20, 2013, 9:04 am

Yoga anyone :D

Image

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747man
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Joke...........

Post by 747man » September 20, 2013, 12:09 pm

pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
Pomps, Just carry on looking for the Shopping Bargains, Will Yer ?? :lol: :lol:

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BigBubba
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Joke...........

Post by BigBubba » September 20, 2013, 1:13 pm

I liked it.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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pompui
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Joke...........

Post by pompui » September 20, 2013, 4:41 pm

747man wrote:
pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
Pomps, Just carry on looking for the Shopping Bargains, Will Yer ?? :lol: :lol:
Will be a pleasure :lol:

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747man
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Joke...........

Post by 747man » September 20, 2013, 10:05 pm

BigBubba wrote:I liked it.
Ah ! A Man with a sense of humour at last...... :lol: :lol:

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Astana
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Joke...........

Post by Astana » September 20, 2013, 11:24 pm

747man wrote:
BigBubba wrote:I liked it.
Ah ! A Man with a sense of humour at last...... :lol: :lol:
Or a lover of Liverpudlian tough gals! :lol:

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