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747man
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Joke...........

Post by 747man » September 20, 2013, 12:09 pm

pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
Pomps, Just carry on looking for the Shopping Bargains, Will Yer ?? :lol: :lol:



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BigBubba
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Post by BigBubba » September 20, 2013, 1:13 pm

I liked it.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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pompui
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Post by pompui » September 20, 2013, 4:41 pm

747man wrote:
pompui wrote:Was this rejected from the Jokes thread and placed in open forum :-k
Pomps, Just carry on looking for the Shopping Bargains, Will Yer ?? :lol: :lol:
Will be a pleasure :lol:

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747man
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Joke...........

Post by 747man » September 20, 2013, 10:05 pm

BigBubba wrote:I liked it.
Ah ! A Man with a sense of humour at last...... :lol: :lol:

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Astana
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Post by Astana » September 20, 2013, 11:24 pm

747man wrote:
BigBubba wrote:I liked it.
Ah ! A Man with a sense of humour at last...... :lol: :lol:
Or a lover of Liverpudlian tough gals! :lol:

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BigBubba
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Post by BigBubba » September 21, 2013, 10:08 am

Astana wrote:
747man wrote:
BigBubba wrote:I liked it.
Ah ! A Man with a sense of humour at last...... :lol: :lol:
Or a lover of Liverpudlian tough gals! :lol:
Hey, my lovely missus has put on a few kg (or stones as you might say), perhaps from too much sampling of her cooking, and coupled with her temper I think she could hold her own amongst those Liverpudlian lasses!

And in case she ever reads this... Honey, it IS under the "Jokes" thread! ;)
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BigBubba
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Post by BigBubba » October 5, 2013, 9:12 pm

1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay

2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper

3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper

4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay

5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop

6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson

7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin

8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin

9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson

10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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BigBubba
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Post by BigBubba » October 9, 2013, 10:35 am

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Every day I wake up is a good day.

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downunder
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Post by downunder » October 9, 2013, 2:14 pm

Aborigine girl who lived near the Woomera Rocket Range complained to the authorities that she had been hit by a Guided Muscle and blasted into Maternity.
Pregnant lass in Udon explained to her Mum that she had a Slipadicktome

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pienmash
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Post by pienmash » October 9, 2013, 5:22 pm

Just for downunder

Waddya call and Aussie opening a bottle of champagne ?????? ..........................................................a waiter !!

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downunder
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Post by downunder » October 10, 2013, 8:28 am

Not nesacelery[benny hill] could be a beautiful naked lady taking care of my every need. Champagne first.

Where does a Pom keep his money? Answer, Under the soap.

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jackspratt
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Post by jackspratt » October 10, 2013, 12:16 pm

downunder wrote: Where does a Pom keep his money? Answer, Under the soap.
What possible use would a Pom have for soap?

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Post by pienmash » October 10, 2013, 12:36 pm

jackspratt wrote:
downunder wrote: Where does a Pom keep his money? Answer, Under the soap.
What possible use would a Pom have for soap?

S.O.P. E. ..... CAN BE USED FOR NUMEROUS DIFFERENT APPLICATIONS .. AS A LUBRICANT AND FOR THE REMOVAL OF OBJECTS STUCK SOME WHERE THEY SHOULDNT BE .

Im also led to believe it is commonly used in the cleansing of ones body during an activity known as bathing ,,, thats anew one on me !!!!.

Rumour has it in their fight for the labour leadership both Bill Shorten and Anthony Albanese were planning a book reading tax ,,, plans were shelved as figures showed 96% of Aussies were still on dot to dot and colouring in and still found big words like HELP too difficult ........ they should probably concentrate on the the edumacation department first and push for the Queens English to be taught as the nations first language followed by Indonesian and Chinese.

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Aardvark
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Post by Aardvark » October 10, 2013, 1:03 pm

We've been trying to Master the Queens English for over 200 years so far with no luck. The other 2 you can forget ....

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downunder
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Post by downunder » October 10, 2013, 2:51 pm

Mash, can we have a censible sonvercation. We have own version in Language, how can we speak pome English when there are so many dialects, you cannot understand yourselves. Half of them are not understood by anyone,so how do you expect Aussies to even bother.I have run out of fingers and toes trying to count English Nationals who will never be able to understand how to speak the Queens English Aussie Style.
I would like to say one more thing about the way you are treating poor Rolf Harris, we trusted you to take care, now he is old and grey and in his twilight years and look what you are doing. He mentioned this to the Queen when he painted her Portrait. She told him to buggar off. I wonder how she knew?. How will you treat KYLIE when she ages, cant trust the English anymore. Anyway me old cock its time for a pint of hot piss down at the local. :-" :-"

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Astana
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Post by Astana » October 10, 2013, 3:52 pm

The difference in the use of the English language is simply a difference in perception. For example... An Australian would say not guilty your Lordship which would be perceived as guilty by any Englishman.

This perception problem has been solved by the barstardization of the English language for Australian usage in situ.

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Post by downunder » October 10, 2013, 4:09 pm

We do not need English as the English wish it to be, Australians along with America have what is a vastly improved, understanding way to communicate without the permanent whinging and whining. Every person in Australia talks the same excepting for South Australia which is full of 20Pound Poms.

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Post by Astana » October 10, 2013, 4:16 pm

Yes, I see it has been vastly improved by the eloquence of "its time for a pint of hot piss down at the local" :lol:

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Post by downunder » October 12, 2013, 12:52 pm

Understandable me old cock,its time to get me plates of meat down to the local in the West End. More slang comes from that place you call England. The English language was derived from a mixture of Germanic languages. Check Wilikpedia you may learn something.

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Post by karonsteve » October 12, 2013, 3:10 pm

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

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