The difference in the use of the English language is simply a difference in perception. For example... An Australian would say not guilty your Lordship which would be perceived as guilty by any Englishman.

This perception problem has been solved by the barstardization of the English language for Australian usage in situ.

We do not need English as the English wish it to be, Australians along with America have what is a vastly improved, understanding way to communicate without the permanent whinging and whining. Every person in Australia talks the same excepting for South Australia which is full of 20Pound Poms.

Yes, I see it has been vastly improved by the eloquence of "its time for a pint of hot piss down at the local"

Understandable me old cock,its time to get me plates of meat down to the local in the West End. More slang comes from that place you call England. The English language was derived from a mixture of Germanic languages. Check Wilikpedia you may learn something.

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

downunder wrote:Understandable me old cock,its time to get me plates of meat down to the local in the West End. More slang comes from that place you call England. The English language was derived from a mixture of Germanic languages. Check Wilikpedia you may learn something.

One thing I have learnt is not to rely on Wikipedia to provide nothing more than sound-bits of information dressed up in the guise of knowledge to answer enquiry and I advise you to do the same.

Modern Indo-European languages - which include English and German - originated in Turkey about 9,000 years ago. Findings differ from conventional theory that these languages originated 5,000 years ago in south-west Russia.

http://www.sciencemag.org/content/337/6 ... 00338ab381

http://www.ethnologue.com/

It cannot be denied that the Germanic language particularly Anglo-Saxon had an influence on the English language but so did many others including Latin and French after Norman conquest.

By the 14th century England the language of the realm was moving away from French towards English. This was becoming commonplace. an individual spoke it. All the aristocrats of the age understood it. Travelling minstrels singing the newly fashionable English ballads of Robin Hood in nobleman’s halls used the native tongue. Rising dons like John Wyclif, who was beginning to impress his colleagues at Oxford University in the early 1360s, would come to translate the Bible into English. The age of the great vernacular poets – Geoffrey Chaucer, William Langland, John Gower and the Pearl & Gawain poet – was dawning.

At parliament the statute of pleading formally changed the spoken language of parliamentary address and arguments in the royal law courts from French to English. (Records were still kept in Latin).

Page 504, The Plantagenets – the kings who made England, Dan Jones, Published by William Collins 2012.

English being the great borrowing language that it is provides a great A-Z of English words with surprising origins and there are plenty of them. Who knew that marmalade, for instance, while eternally associated with Paddington Bear, is in fact Portuguese? So here is an A-to-Z of some English words that have been absorbed from and inspired by other languages.
A is for… Avocado, which comes from Nahuatl, a language spoken by the Aztecs. Their name for it, ahuacatl, also meant ''testicle".
B is for… Bonsai. Although we think the tree-cultivating art is Japanese, it originated in China.
C is for… Coleslaw. Supposedly eaten in ancient Rome, it comes from the Dutch kool-salade (''cabbage salad").
D is for… Dachshund, a compound of the German Dachs (''badger") and Hund (''dog"). Originally the breed was known in Germany as Dachs Krieger, or ''badger warrior".
E is for… Enthusiasm. From the Greek entheos, which means ''to be within energy", suggesting being spiritually ''possessed".
F is for… Flamenco, from the Spanish name for a Fleming (i.e. someone from Flanders).
G is for… Goulash, an invention by Hungarian herdsmen whose name derives from gulyas.
H is for… Hotchpotch, used in Norman legal jargon to denote property collected and then divided.
I is for… Intelligentsia, a collective term for the intellectual class which derives from Latin but came to us from Russian.
J is for… Juggernaut, Sanskrit for a giant carriage used to transport an image of the god Krishna.
K is for… Kangaroo, from gangurru, the large black male roo in the Guugu Yimidhirr language.
L is for… Lilac, which comes from the Persian nilak, meaning ''of a bluish shade".
M is for… Mandarin. The name of the fruit feels as though it ought to be Chinese, but may well have come from Swedish.
N is for… Namby-pamby. Nickname of the 18th-century poet Ambrose Phillips, coined by the satirist Henry Carey because of his sentimental verses
O is for… Onslaught, from the Dutch aanslag - related to a word in Old High German for a shower.
P is for… Penguin, a compound of two Welsh words, pen and gwyn, which mean ''head" and ''white" - even though penguins have black heads. It is likely that 'penguin' was at one time the name of similar, now extinct bird which had a white patch near its bill.
Q is for… Quack can be traced to the Dutch kwaksalver, literally someone who hawked ointments.
R is for… Regatta, from Venetian dialect, it originally signified any kind of contest.
S is for… Sabotage. Supposed to derive from the tendency of striking workers to damage machinery by throwing shoes into it - sabot being an old French word for a wooden shoe.
T is for… Tattoo, Captain Cook saw Polynesian islanders marking their skin with dark pigment. Long before that the word signified a signal or drumbeat, a Dutch expression for 'Close off the tap', used to recall tippling soldiers.
U is for… Umbrella, appeared in English as early as 1609 (in a letter by John Donne). In the middle of the 18th century the device was adopted by the philanthropist Jonas Hanway as a protection against the London rain.
V is for… Vanilla, ''little sheath" in Spanish.
W is for… Walnut, a modern rendering of the Old English walhnutu ('foreign nut'), so known because it grew mainly in Italy.
X is for… Xebec, a little vessel with three masts, from the Arabic shabbak, a small warship.
Y is for… Yogurt, a mispronunciation of a Turkish word.
Z is for… Zero, whose immediate source is French or Italian, but its origins are in Arabic - and before that in the Sanskrit word sunya, which meant both ''nothing" and ''desert".
The Secret Life of Words: How English Became English' by Henry Hitchings (John Murray Publishing)

One thing stands out like Kangaroo balls about you Astana is that they say "there is something nice about everone, but you have got me puzzled". What is supposed to be a joke, you have turned to nasty comments because you think that you are superior than everyone else, and you think you know everything, you even know all about rabbits. Go talk to Budda, then maybe you will come away with a better understanding. You obviously are a Pom, they normaly have a sense of humour, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOURS?. To busy whinging and whining, like the Plane from England that arrived at Bangkok, you could still hear the Whining even though the Engines had been turned off

Having read back through this thread I see no nasty comment towards you, it is only you that has resorted to personal jibes, as for my country of origin it has little to do with anything but you seem to be hung on it.

One thing is for sure I won't make fun of you because I'm sure you get it all the time.

This supposed to be a thread about jokes, well you win first prize.Are you ashamed to be a Pom, not enough intestinal fortitude to admit it. Nothing wrong with being a Pom if you have a sense of hunour go back to whinging and whining about other threads where you will know all about everything

downunder wrote:This supposed to be a thread about jokes, well you win first prize.Are you ashamed to be a Pom, not enough intestinal fortitude to admit it. Nothing wrong with being a Pom if you have a sense of hunour go back to whinging and whining about other threads where you will know all about everything

I'll be nicer if you'll be smarter but of course that won't happen with your tired old jokes about poms, whinging, whining and other hackneyed cliches. You belong to a bygone age of beer swilling drunks that Australia is famous for, did they ask to leave. Of course you can be and do whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low.

I wonder who"s going to draw Blood first

Back to the jokes ......

mash went in to look at buying some golf clubs today ,,, the Thai salesman showed me a few nice sets then asked ,,,, prahtet arai krap ,,,(where do you come from) !! England i replied ,,, he then ushered me over to another part of the shop and said you need to look at these sets as those ones are for Australians !!!!! ... scratching my head i replied thats a new one on me son ,,whats the difference ??

Arrrr well he said you wont be needing the snorkel , flippers jungle vine chopping machete , ball sonar and CD to practice calls of FOUR that are standard with all Aussie golf sets ,,

He added the English sets are way lighter and easier to carry as well cos theres only a driver putter and fold away comfy chair whilst waiting for your Aussie playing partner to dry off !!!!

mash

Australia has just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the .....*.

Gotta be able to laugh at yourself:
The pig, the cow and the barn
Three salesmen [an Indian, a Paki and an Aussie] were traveling by car and broke down near a farmhouse so they asked the farmer if they could stay the night ,the farmer said they could but he only had two spare beds so one would have to sleep in the barn
The Indian gent said he would sleep in the barn so off he went...About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and the farmer opened it to find the Indian gent standing there
And he said I am sorry but I cannot sleep in the barn because there is a cow in there and that would be offensive to me because of my religion...so they decided that the Paki would sleep in the barn and off he went...ten minutes went by and there was a knock on the door the farmer opened it to find the Paki there and he said I am sorry but there is a pig in the barn and that is very offensive to me because of my religion.
It was decided that the Aussie would have to sleep in the barn, so off he went ...
Ten minutes passed and there was a knock on the door
The exasperated farmer went and opened it and there was the cow and the pig...

or

Pommie Bastard woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and stretched. Wow he though to himself, I look great and I feel great, but I seem to smell a bit funny.
Concerned, he asked his wife. Yeah, she agreed, you do look good, and you look like you feel great, but you really do smell a bit funny, better go see the doctor.
At the doctors, Pommie Bastard explained his situation. 'I can see what you mean ', the doctor agreed 'You are looking really great, you say you feel great, but you certainly do have a funny smell.' The doctor, baffled refered to his medical encyclopaedia. 'AAh, here we are, Looking good, feeling good but with a funny smell, I thought so, you're a ****.'

or

God wanted Jesus to be born in Australia, however he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Australians are balanced people, they have a chip on both shoulders.

Australians are level headed..., they dribble out of both sides of their mouth.

An Australian gentleman is someone who steps out of the bath to piss in the sink.

and even

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and a Scot were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

Perhaps this thread should be renamed "Aussie vs Pommie tongue lashings" Anyway, here's my contribution for the day:

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

Have a pleasant day everyone. =D>

Bubba, the term of you Pome Bastard from an Australian is a term of endearment. This term is found in many articles penned by many explaining why Australians call them so.
Prince Charles when he was 16 attended school in Australia at Geelong Grammer, and to this day openly states"I took my fair share of being called a Pome Bastard" Pomes and Aussies in general take the mickey out of each other in fun, but if you dont have a sense of humour and take it to heart, it can get nasty. In these cases I give back as much as what is thrown at me and more. fortunately these occurances are seldom.
Jon, ex Chern Chim, is a perfect example of a Pome who enjoys taking the mickey out of Australians and we love it.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open."

An Aussie ABC politician and two of his gubba cronies, Bill and John, were fishing when their boat capsized. Bill and John started to panic because they'd seen sharks in the area.

"No worries, mates," said the ABC politician and he started to swim towards the island to get help.

As he swam, John spotted the dorsal fins of two great white sharks heading straight toward the ABC politician. Before he could yell a warning, the politician took hold of their fins and the sharks escorted him safely to shore.

When the ABC politician returned with help, John asked him how he had managed such an amazing feat. The politician answered, "Professional courtesy us sharks have to stick together."

DOWNUNDER WROTE ....Jon, ex Chern Chim, is a perfect example of a Pome who enjoys taking the mickey out of Australians and we love it.....

Ohhhh yes i enjoy it ..... have to admit Barry Humphries is my hero and i have a picture of Kylie Minogue on the back of the bog door ... i do also do my bit coaching Australians here in Udon , at the moment im teaching Harry , Croc , Tom and Wiggy Peter the finer art of ringing the bell in the Sports bar ,,,,,, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink springs to mind !!

So Bill Shorten is the new labour leader ,,, his first policy change was to add a new word to the Australian dictionary ,, well actually a word than has all but died out and been forgotten .....................................................HOWSZAT !!!

Mash