Consolidated Joke Thread

@Thesportsbar · Post by **@Thesportsbar** » October 4, 2015, 1:14 pm

And two for the Boks

Post by **socksy** » October 6, 2015, 12:22 pm

Cornucocopia

My sex life hardly exists anymore, so I've converted to Islam and changed my name too Seldom Bin Laid!
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I bought some'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said '***** with a fork'…. I thought, can't argue with that!
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When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.
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I had a row with my wife last night, she threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me and it only just missed my head. It must have been Lenor because it was a bit too close for Comfort.
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Then she said,"Can we make love like Elvis" and I said " what, "A little less conversation and a little more action!"
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I love that new Korean vegetarian snack pot. Not Poodle.
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My mate makes crockery disappear. I said are you a wizard? He said no I'm a saucerer.
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If sex with two people is called a twosome and sex involving three people is called a threesome now I understand why they call me handsome!
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Whoever stole my trainers whilst I was on the bouncy castle, just grow up!
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Just bought an ABBA toilet....what a loo!
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I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof!
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A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as “Battery Low”. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger!
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Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area.I’ve called him Birmingham.

Post by **socksy** » October 6, 2015, 12:44 pm

Just a couple

@Thesportsbar · Post by **@Thesportsbar** » October 8, 2015, 11:13 am

Get you refund in Quick

Post by **Drunk Monkey** » October 9, 2015, 4:11 pm

IRISH MOUNTED POLICE

'Use the tazer, 'Use the tazer !

'Use the tazer, Mick! 'Use the tazer, Mick!

'Use the tazer, Mick!
For CHRIST'S SAKE use the ******' tazer!

' MICK! Use the tazer - Use the tazer, Mick!
'Use the tazer, Mick - NOW!

For CHRIST'S SAKE use the ******' tazer!'

Post by **Lionheart** » October 9, 2015, 5:32 pm

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".

Post by **socksy** » October 15, 2015, 10:41 am

Barry the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This

room to be a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up" As he went back she said the next room was to be red.

The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up" Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."

And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up"

The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell "Green side up".
"What do you say that for?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Kiwis laying turf out front." :-"

Post by **downunder** » October 15, 2015, 3:28 pm

AUSSIES , REMEMBER AGRO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPD_RHV ... detailpage

Post by **Drunk Monkey** » October 17, 2015, 11:34 am

You are never too old to learn something new.
Here is today's lesson .......I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES

English ,,I Love You
Spanish,,,Te Amo
French,,,Je T'aime
German,,,Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese,,Ai nonsense Imasu
Italian,,,Ti Amo
Chinese,,Wo Ai Ni
Swedish,,,Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian,,,As Tave Meliu

AND FINALLY A NEW ONE ON ME ...covering the following regions...
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.

Nice Tits Get in the Truck.

Post by **boes** » October 19, 2015, 9:13 am

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Thirty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Garda.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that foocken light in her face!

Post by **boes** » October 21, 2015, 1:46 pm

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

@Thesportsbar · Post by **@Thesportsbar** » October 25, 2015, 8:52 am

Seen this yesterday in Phuket.....

The Human Brain is the hardest working organ in the human body.

From the day you are born 24 hours a day 7 days a week it never stops until you get off the plane in Thailand!!!!

Well I thought it was funny

Post by **boes** » October 25, 2015, 1:35 pm

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPAD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON.

She wasn`t impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK, and iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

Post by **socksy** » October 25, 2015, 5:17 pm

BE WARNED THESE ARE NON PC

Bloke at the races whispers to Paddy next to him, “Do you want the winner of the next race?” Paddy said “no thanks, I’ve only got a small garden!”

Just had some bad news. My Thai girlfriend has testicular cancer!!

Black guy goes on Antiques Roadshow with a very rare vase. Hugh Scully the host asks “How did you acquire the vase?” Black guy says, “it was handed down to me”. Hugh Scully says “where from?” Black guy replies “an upstairs window”.

Statistics tell us that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted paedophile, not me though, I live next door to two stunning 14 year olds!

Sometimes as a” man you just can’t win. I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday when she said “will you fk off, I’m trying to have a sh*t”

Having a smoke outside the pub last night and this fker in a wheelchair said to me “why do you smoke when you don’t need to?” I looked at him and asked “why the fk are you wearing shoes?
:-"

Post by **socksy** » October 26, 2015, 12:27 pm

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but

halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. . .

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...

they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of

the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just

before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still

bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to become a successful lawyer.

Post by **socksy** » October 26, 2015, 12:41 pm

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

porsche

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

Post by **socksy** » October 26, 2015, 12:45 pm

Amish Sex Lessons
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied ,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid...'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,
' Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

Post by **socksy** » October 27, 2015, 9:38 am

Be careful with your appointments

Post by **socksy** » October 29, 2015, 8:53 am

1Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2 Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3 The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4 My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5 The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6 I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the
mood.

7 It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is> someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large dustbin.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment....for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel.... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind....don't matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

Post by **socksy** » October 29, 2015, 12:15 pm

Why women can't fix cars. However there should be many in Thailand to do so.