Love or Money?

What do Thai women really want? Are Thai/Farang relationships more about money than love? Are Thai women really interested in us or do they just see us as walking ATM machines? Maybe I'm just cynical but I believe that if most women over here were wealthy then they would probaby not bother with us. I have seen so many farangs separated from their life savings and partners show no remorse as they move onto the next unsuspecting farang. It all seems to be about money most of the time. I think it's sometimes cheaper and less hassle not to get involved with anyone in the first place. I still love this country and people all the same though; I guess I'm just thinking out loud.

I think there is just way too many factors to take into consideration here to give an accurate answer, but like most countries, Thailand does have it's fair share of money grabbers, albeit I would like to think that a higher percentage of Thai / Farang relationships would be built on love...

When you figure women out any where in the world write the book I buy it.

Every woman (in every country in the world) has her views of marriage, sex, and love shaped by her cultural, social and religious influences. Even in the falang cultures where we absorb the message that "love conquers all," we also hear that we should find a man who is a steady, secure provider in order to have a "happy marriage" (and in the US, since one of the top reasons for marital trouble is finances, this could have some validity). So there always will be a balancing act between the concepts of the ideal love and money, but our music, literature, and film tell us and reward us for love winning out (often over reason).

Thai women are much more attuned to their cultural message of the role of money in a marriage. Love in the Western sense takes a backseat to the security factor. I watch my daughter-in-law each day learning to "love" in the American way, but she is secure in knowing that she made a match very much favored by and beneficial to her family.

All of this seems to make most difference in the way daily life plays out. In the US, the order of importance in a woman's family will be husband, children, parents, extended family and social group. A Thai woman will place that importance as children, parents, extended family, social group, and finally the husband. I don't have full insight on this -- any comments?

I have just finished reading a book called 'My name is Lon- you like me?'
It is a real life story of a girl who ran away from her Isaan home aged 13 and set off to find 'untold riches'? in Bangkok.
In the book the girl tells Thailand as it is - what the tourist sees (or wants to see) and what 'really' goes on here.

Soon after arriving in Bangkok she became involved in the bar girl scene - aged just 14 and there began her initial contacts with foreigners.

She labels them as simply 'walking ATM machines - in that if you press the right buttons, the cash comes out'.

It was a very interesting and honest insight as to what this particular Thai girl (and I guess many others) thought of foreigners.

As it was in a relatively anonymous book she had nothing to lose by being honest. Alternatively if you ask for the same opinions face to face with a Thai girl - will she be completely and utterly honest with you (in fact - how will you know either way?)

Food for thought perhaps?

Paul wrote:I have just finished reading a book called 'My name is Lon- you like me?'
It is a real life story of a girl who ran away from her Isaan home aged 13 and set off to find 'untold riches'? in Bangkok.
In the book the girl tells Thailand as it is - what the tourist sees (or wants to see) and what 'really' goes on here.

Soon after arriving in Bangkok she became involved in the bar girl scene - aged just 14 and there began her initial contacts with foreigners.

She labels them as simply 'walking ATM machines - in that if you press the right buttons, the cash comes out'.

It was a very interesting and honest insight as to what this particular Thai girl (and I guess many others) thought of foreigners.

As it was in a relatively anonymous book she had nothing to lose by being honest. Alternatively if you ask for the same opinions face to face with a Thai girl - will she be completely and utterly honest with you (in fact - how will you know either way?)

Food for thought perhaps?

No wonder they think where walking atm with all the guys coming to Thailand for 2 weeks in pataya blowing there pay packet

no money, no honey

I have read "Lon" and a heap of other books like it. The common theme from younger girls is the "walking farang ATM", and using their obvious assetts to get what they can today. Maturity (or perhaps the assetts wearing quickly) changes a lot of their approach.
As hxjohn indicated, if one was to spend all their time in the westernised nightlife areas then that is the impression one would have.
Come away from those areas and I do not thing there is much difference between thai and western culture. Gulfcoast's comments would reflect what I have experienced. Perhaps the motivater, and it is more relevant in Asian countries, is poverty and/or class structures which give little opportunity.
From my experiences and listening and learning from friends experiences who have been in Thailand since the 60's there are more criteria that have to be met to satisfy a mature middle class thai woman than the "walking ATM", and those criteria are just as wide ranging as the number of women.
A large number of thai women (who are from middle class families) I know who have falang partners and others who are looking, would have their main priorities as things such as - being able to get a partner who is not a butterfly, who are committed for life, who treat them as equals, respect their family and culture and who give them the opportunity to contribute to the marriage.

At the end of the day ones impression of thai women will be governed by those that one is involved with. I think most of those falang that end up with bad impressions arrive in Thailand and do the exact opposite to what they would do at home.
The other quote that goes with the "walking ATM" is "would you buy a bargirl in your hometown a cellphone and motobike after two paid for nights?"

Take the time to experience and learn about Thailand and the chance of becoming one of those with "the money first and foremost" view of Thai women will lessen.
Mind you if I was filthy rich with money to burn then I would not worry the least if I was a walking ATM.

Love or money? Hmmm! That's a difficult one to answer. I agree with Bangkokbutcher, there are way too many factors to give an accurate answer.

I would like to believe that it's more to do with love than money, which I'm sure it is in many cases, however there are certain factors that can reverse the situation i.e. family pressure, poverty etc.

From past personal experiences I would be swaying towards money first and then love second. It's the same the world over, money and future prospects draw them in and then the love comes later. If you were to date someone up back in the UK you'd probably fair better telling them that you have a good job and your own house as apposed to telling them that you're on the dole and live in a council house.

Money plays a huge role the world over; it helps us do the things we want to do and to live an easier life; without money a loving relationship may be very difficult to hold on to.

This is quite an interesting thread. Maybe it is money ar maybe it is love. I will say that we want to believe it is love but if you think money does not play into it then you are in for a big surprise. Gulf coast and Roadman have said it plainly.

It has been a long time since I dated and mayb memory is a bit fuzzy, but don"t most initial conversation go something like this.

Hello
Hello
How are you
I am fine and you
I fine.
Where do you work or what do you do for a living.

anyway you get my point. Like Roadman said if we say we are on the dole, do you really expect to find many women that the above conversation will continue much longer.

I would love to say that my wife fell for my good looks and personality. Doubt it.

To Gulfcoast. Don't know exactly how you can tell daughter in law but when she does return to Thailand after being out of here she will be a bit frustrated upon return. She will have become the rich falang just by going to the states. Can just about bet she will not like it. I have seen some Thais that will not return to Thailand (except when have to) at all.

Money seems to be a motivator in all aspects of Thai life, Be grateful if you fortunate to have enough. Because most people here don't.

If you get in the bar scene realize it is about money and only money. When you find the girl that is interesting in building a life, not getting a cell phone. motorcycle, gold, or curing the family bufffalo it's time to pay attention. They exist and lot more then most of us think. The trap is we don't speak Thai as a general rule so where do find most of the english speaking girls the bars.

The games can be fun, just don't mistake them for what they are. If you want a different result then you have to do something different.

If you have an image of Thai women being the perfect wife got news for you, they are no perfect here then anywhere else and niether are we.

There is much more to any person then where they were born and what counts is how they conduct thier lives and what's in thier hearts.

I guess that would apply to us as well, not everyone who gets involved with women here have the greatest goals in mind.

They are just people some are good some are not

It has been a long time since I dated and mayb memory is a bit fuzzy, but don"t most initial conversation go something like this.

Hello
Hello
How are you
I am fine and you
I fine.
Where do you work or what do you do for a living.

Usually one of the first questions I get asked at a bar is how did I get here and whether I have transport or not. Maybe this indicates to them how much money a person has? Arriving in your own personal car probably looks better than if you arrived by saamlaw. I've also learned that some will check you out from head to toe; maybe your attire is another indication to them to how fat your wallet is. And then all the usual questions, where do you work, do you own your own home etc. IMHO the higher you score the more chance you have.

Maybe this is why face is very important in Thai society; bottles of Jonnie Walker Black Label, big tips, flashy cars all go a long way in the dating game. Arrive at one of the local discos with a bottle of sangsom, flip-flops and shorts and most of the women won't give you a second look, unless of course you're extremely good looking, in this instance it's probably more about love than money.

Lee, if your really interested a few of my wifes lady friends have been asking me about you and no the questions weren't about your financial status but your marital one. Apparently their major husbands have plenty of money so they don't have to worry about that, just looking for young and handsome. It does seem they have you in mind as a "Sammy Noi" though.Interested
Getting back on topic I guess this shows that if your older and less attractive, the money is important, if your still in your prime it becomes secondary.
I discussed this issue with my wife, who never fails to show me her love , in one way or another every day. I posed the question" If I lost all my money tomorrow, What would you do?"Without hesitation she replied, "Play the internet again" When I asked what about your love for me? Her answer said it all,'Will my love for you feed, educate and give my kids a home?Of course not. I'm a mother and I've got to be practical, haven't I?

We have just had a fairly lengthy couple of threads on this subject on khonkaen.com

Valentine, you have to admire your wifes honesty but she is spot on. Gulfs summary of where we stand in Thailand compared to a western country is also spot on. We trail a long way behind the family...lets face it husbands, boyfriends and lovers come and go but the family is forever. And whilst we may have attributes that make us attractive to the Thai girls the main and over riding attribute is that we can provide security for the girls and their family.

Ross

When my husband married a Thai in 1973, I'm sure he was doing so with the assumption that any cultural differences could be overcome. At that time, of course, there were no children and he was gladly helping her family as he was able (yes, there is a water buffalo story...but at least he saw the water buffalo and knew it existed for real). She was most attentive to him and his wants and needs. I'm sure it seemed to him at the time to be a romantic and passionate love affair.

I don't think he anticipated how their relationship would change once she came to the U.S. and the romance/passion turned into a more business-like arrangement. There were several shifts along the way:

1. He had to transition from being in the Army to starting a civilian career. Obviously, this meant that they were living in an American economy on early career wages, not in a Thai economy on American NCO wages -- HUGE difference in her perception of standard of living and discretionary income. In other words, she hadn't married a "rich" American after all. As her English ability grew, she chose to work in order to fund her travel back to Thailand and help for her family.

2. As the children were born, they became her #1 priority. When children are young, this isn't so much different from Western culture -- they just consume your time and attention. However, as they grew older, it was obvious that the time and attention required to nourish the expected husband/wife relationship just wasn't there anymore and couldn't reconnect.

3. The relationship "up and down" was tied to what could be done for her and her family. Each time they went to Thailand and upgraded the housing, he was a hero. When he bought her a mink coat, he "loved" her. The measure of love and affection became the dollar sign and his willingness to spend it.

You'd thing that 33 years and his father's experience would have made a difference, but we saw our son commit to this Thai marriage in a fog of optimism. I'm watching our daugther-in-law try to adjust to the #1 reality now -- our son has a good position but will never be "rich." She's already eager to work, and I know it's because she needs and wants her own cash flow, and I can't say I blame her. It's going to be very interesting to see what happens when children become a factor.

In the meantime, we're just trying to be there to listen and coach when things look "rocky" for the newly weds (a lot of the time!).