The dark side of the smile

You know I started to put this in the relationship section, but there never really was a relationship

I'm afraid I have story of the dark side of the smile, a Guy I met here when I frist came is now headed back to the U.S. this time to stay. He has given up and will live with his children. Truly a sad thing, the guy is a retired Coast Guard guy and I guess he just couldn't stop rescuing people. He was taken advantage of by just about everyone he came into contact with. He ended up not only buying a house for the lying ----- he hooked up with, but several of her kids as well. A lot of us tried to tell him, he listened but didn't hear. What a shame a lifetime of work lost for a short period of mistakes. But it does happen, but it is so easy to read. What he told me was that his biggest mistake was trying always to see what he wanted things to be, instead of what was real.

He had one chance wherein he would have been treated well and opted not to do it, A widow of about thirty with two children from Laos. That was the one who would have cared for him until he finished this life. Why because he was to old for her well sometimes it ain't about romance sometime is is about taking care of someone and them taken care of you.

All this man could talk about in a 45 minutes conversation was his upcoming death, he is ill but no more ill then when I met him four years ago. In his mind he is dead a buried what a shame.

The one thing I know for sure is this is not a place to put on the white hat until you really know who you are dealing with.

This is a man who raised his family stayed with one woman until her death, spent his entire career helping others, probably been a hero in one year more times then the most of us could have done in a lifetme.

Only to be destroyed by a worhtless, scheming individual who respected no one.

What a tradgedy.

yes a tragic story, i think most of us with the thai experiance will have a similar story(not the death bit) but the cheated part in our heads most of us know someone who has been in a similar situation,so if you times that to 1 story to every experianced Thai traveller thats a lot of broken hearts and minds, thailand is not always the place of dreams.

and always talking about his death is another sad part,sounds like he gave up a while ago.
hope he has some one and somewhere to go back home to.

He sounds like a nice,but hard headed man I met in NK a couple years ago!A man that never understood the difference in the justice system here vs. the USA.Last time I saw him,he was losing body parts from diabetes,going to court convinced he was going tro receive at least 1/2 his ''marriage investment'',while starting to make a new monetary investment into the property of his new ''landlady''!I was amazed that he could not see the reality of the situations ''he'' was responsible for creating!He had a tuk tuk that the former wife wanted also,again he was convinced that he had a legal position!I sat and had breakfast with him 3 times!Each time ,I left him,I would walk away feeling sorry for him and shaking my head!

As much as I liked him,I couldn't help thinking that the ''close minded'' approach he had towards life,might have been detrimental to ''living 24/7 with anyone''and that he was ''doomed'' to suffer relationship wise!I thought that maybe 30 years in the Coast Guard might have had a lot to do with the way he approached life here.Kind of reminded me of some crusty ''old salts'',I have met before!

If it is the same guy,IMO,he is better off back in the states with his children!And I wish him well!!

It is sad that this fellow couldn't see what the lying ----- was up to, and even worse that she pretty much finished him off financially.

I hope the fellow mentioned in the original post can find some things to be happier about in his new life with his children.


Maybe this is a good reminder to us that things like this really do happen. It also raises the spectre of uncertainty in old age. Past a certain point, you can't go back and start over again.

A very sad story. I hope he can find happiness in his remaining time here.

Of course there is a very easy way to avoid all these problems.

STAY SINGLE

Gary

Lot to answer Stan your right, but as mentioned he now realizes, his words that wanting thing to be a certain way doesn't mean they are going to be that way. To little to late, everyone tried to help him but he was not hearing it. I think the real lesson to be learned here is you have to adapt, or you will not survive.

As was mentioned he had the a very good opportunity to change his life with a Lao woman who would have cared for him the balance os his life. He was to old, or at least that is what the skeamer told him. How this person gained such control of this man is hard to understand, Very head strong indvidual but this lady knew the buttons and played them well. Still is, at this moment he is the village with her. The time in Nong Kia was his best time, but he let her back in again. This is where I have a real problem understanding, there comes a time to move on, and he was at it. Could have saved what he started here had he done so. I doubt very seriously he will make it with the children.

He still has a good retirement and he could make it here, thats all I came with and I did. The problem I think he just got his first serious loss as an adult and ha no fight left. Now anyone who has met this man would beleive that could happen but here he is.

Old age, I have enough coming in that if it should become neccesary I can hire a live in nurse, the one thing I would never accept is a home. Living with my chidren I brought them to a point where they can care for themselves, they have a life I will not interfer with what they have done to make a life for themselves. Not even sure I would be welcome anyway. Don't know if my final days will be in Thailand but they will be in Asia.

A hard and fast rule to learn in all this to me, is if it isn't right, then get out before you loose your ablilty to care for yourself. You may take some losses but if you don't wait until everything is gone you can recover.

Thai Law does say a 50% spilt in assests but that doesn't mean your going to get it. My position is simple the house the pickup and her motorcycle is hers. I can walk away from all that and still be OK, if I couldn't I wouldn't have gave her them all in the first place. I have been through three divorces in the states in ony one was I truly treated fairly, why no kids involved and a fair person. The other two I got the bills and child support. So how could I possibly think I could get a better deal here, not going to happen.

So yep if it smells bad feels bad tastes bad, it probably is bad and your a fool to keep eating it. Nice guy or not and believe me I was very sad to see what this man had been reduced to, you have to be thinking especially going into a completly different culture. You can not let yourself become a victim and in the end it is your responibilty and no one elses.

I think Stan was right the guy was silly enough to think he had some control in his situation, he was dead wrong. The only true control we have here is a passport.

With him still at the village with this woman, I certainly hope he has not told her he is not coming back, because if he has and there is some life insurance around he won't make it to Bangkok.

Staying single is an option a lot of us enjoy having a home and the life it provides. I suppose the only option available to us, if we want a home and not to deal with landlords would be a Condo, never have looked into that it might be a good option I don't know. But I prefer being with one woman that I know trust and building a life together. I'm very fortunate no that is not at all true I would never settle for an abusive relationship. I live my life by rules and I expect, no demand that my life partners does the same. As much as I love my wife, if she was abusive I would walk. She can be silly sometimes but she has never done anyhting that would intentionally harm me or our goals together.

This isn't the only incident of this nature that I have seen, one VFW guy had a abusive wife pushed him down the stairs enough times that it finally killed him. The wife and her boyfriend are enjoying his VA benefits today.

Now he knew all this, he wasn't in the bet health but had all his faculities and still went back, I simply don't understand this kind of behavior. But then again I didn't understand in cop shop why we would show up at the same houses week after week for family disputes where both parties were being abused, several where before it was over someone was dead an someone was in prison.

I know another guy here who literally hates his wife and she returns the favor, thiers has gotten physical with severe bites. This ha been going on ever since thay have been together. after one of the incidents many of us told him he needed to walk before someone was seriously hurt. I couldn't believe what he said I would lose eveyrthing what was everything a aircon, tv, Kitchen table, living room set and bedroom set. so now he is going on four years of misery, for what four thousand dollars.

You know back in I beleive 1970 I was living in San Fernando, when a major earthquake hit in on minute, 60 seconds I saw everything I owned destoyed. No one in my family was injuried and I got a very good lesson the things in your life are never as important as the people in it. Why people male or female let these things happen to them, is me beyond there is always an answer leave. It may not be easy and it may not be fun and yes you will loose some things, but you can get things again.

There are good women available here, there not as easy to find as the bad ones but they are here. Why tie yourself into a bad relationship and shut the door to a good one, here or anywhere else.

One of the most important things I was told by a very good friend was never bring anything here that you can't afford to lose.

When I came here I had 6K in the bank in the states still do, my retirement since child support is paid, is 60% more then when I came here. Still have money in the a bank in the states and that is where it is staying. I came with three suitcases and I can leave with less then three if I need to and still be able to acccomplish the very same thing I did when I came here.

I have been married three times before coimg here never got into any of them thinking a divorce was going to come, but it happens people change with time whatever. Then difference between then and now is I have had the lessons and I know no matter how things are between my wife and I today, they could be very different in five years, there is guarentee.

So I will always have my safety net, I die it's hers I walk and it is not.

I really recommend that everyone take the precaution of knowing they can leave if they have to. Don't let yourself get to a point where the options are your children, that wasn't the plan where we came from.

In this guys case every warning signal was there he knew what was happening but he thought he control it he was wrong. I think it is very important to take care of your family, but it is important to take care of you as well. Me I'm to darned contankerous to live in someone else home and I know it.

Yes this was a very bad lady, but this could have been avoided long ago, if the person would have accepted his losses and adapted to his sorroundings.

But it still makes me sad to see this man in the position he is today.

It sure is sad but don't be surprised if you look across a restaurant one of these days and he is sitting there with a new outlook on life after his dose of reality and being refreshed back home in the states. Hopefully, the lying ____ won't be sitting across from him. Wish him well. He deserves better after spending 20 or 30 years of his life in service to his country.

BKKSTAN wrote: losing body parts from diabetes

Now, that's a sobering thought.

People do not escape Thailand, so that wouldn't surprie me, based on the track record seeing the woman sitting there would not surprise me either. It already has many times.

Yep that is one ilness that is very serious, far beyond having to administer shots to yourself.

ray23 wrote:People do not escape Thailand, so that wouldn't surprie me, based on the track record seeing the woman sitting there would not surprise me either. It already has many times.

Yep that is one ilness that is very serious, far beyond having to administer shots to yourself.

In England we have a term for it""C--t struck"I think at some time in his life every man has suffered from it to some degree or another. Unfortunately it is more likely to occur in old age when it is more severe and sometimes can be fatal, financially that is.
No Galee staying single does not give an immunity from it, only a life of celibacy will guarantee that, and who wants that?

It never ceases to amaze me ,how many times ''we'' try to apply ''our'' western cultural standards to situations here in Thailand
For Americans.it is like heads vs.tails I look at a map of the world or a time conversion chart,and constantly remind myself that I am halfway around the world/the exact opposite side of the World than the USA.That is why ,IMO,it is so important to constantly be open to learning from others experiences and my own ''mistakes''!

Some people,including me,can not learn when when being ''told'' by another in person(reaction conditioning related to life experience,especially childhood)

Some people never''look in the mirror'',having made many mistakes in life,they continue on believing their ''problems'' are mostly caused by others alone!For me,my life improved considerably when I learned to focus most of my attention on''my part'' in the creation of the problem I am not always able to do that easily,as resentment is a powerful emotion!

The first thought I had ,when meeting this ''victim''of life,was he looked and sounded like my father!Second thought was He needs someone to listen to him,he is not a listener.Third thought was after 30 years in the C.G.,he is possibly a little dictatorial in his approach to life.But,if I am right or wrong,he is a hurting individual,seemingly unhelpable except to be listened to A ''nice'' man,convinced that he had no ''selfish'' goals I wish him well!

All bark and no bite, actually was what I saw. To be honest if I had not been close to the action I would have read this exactly as you did. But having seen the interaction between the two. What I saw was he questioing the lady as a norm it was OK you said if we did this, this would happen why didn't it happen?

Well I think we all knew why it didn't happen. Maybe this guy was omething like me bak in the day when I wa a cop, by the time I go home I fed up with making decesions and would only step in when it w really imprtant. To be hones even today I'm much the same. I step up when I see thing that appear to have very negative effect down line, otherwise Mia Bpen Lai.

For example the wife is a great bowler, she has all the skills neccesary to be a real competitor. But she can't get mind around competion, she doesn't grapt he difference between practise and fun a opposed to playing for money. Now fun bolswing cost a lot less then tournaments. Gave her two years to learn, skills are there the mind set is not and will not be there. Hence no more tournaments bowl for fun all you want to. When you start adding in anothe 500 to 700 baht a week, for the matches, and you have no real drive to win, that adds up to a lot of money. So that I stopped.

This guy was married to one woman in his life before he came here and I'm willing to bet that she made most of the day to day decesions in life. Based on where things ended up I would say off hand she did a good job. I beleive a big mistake was to let the lady here take that same role, now this lady had no real experience in handling real money and no motiviation to do good for the relationship. Much different situation. By the time he got to Nong Kia what you saw was the frustration of over two years of disappointment. I think the macho had kicked in and all these plan of atttack, but he never really carried through with any of them.

OK that being said the reality in my mind is if you take a Thai lady and put her in a dual household, farrang and Thai. You provide no education a to finance, give them no resposibilty to the household budget. Then hand them the keys to the Kingdom, your in for problems, Good person or not.

In this case all the warning flags went up early, he is an intellgent man, but relied on what he knew from his realtionship in America. It ain't Kansas Toto. Just because you want to believe that the person you share your life with is a honest and caring person does not make it so.

He could have avoided all of this a long time ago, he didn't have the heart to do it. Your right he wanted to vent with everyone, who would listen, which is what happened the other day. The truth is you don't solve problems anywhere by talking them to death, you have to learn what the situation really is make a plan and act. Even topday he ha fronted money for a funeral in the village, now there is a person in the states whom he has loaned money to before and has been paid back. That is supposed to pay him back. But if his plan is to leave and not return, is this a really wise thing to do? But this is who this guy really is, skip all the macho front, this is the real person.

Had he really tried to get away from the situation he would have been a god send for the right family here. But I doubt that is going to happen again. He could make it here, but he can't do the way he has been going about it. On the other hand when you make mistakes and all of us do, there simply becomes a point where all the Mia Bpem Lia does not work and you got make a plan and execute it. No action no change in the circumstance you deal with. Why thi man with all this exerience did not act when he knew he needed to i omethign that is in him and one that I will never understand.

No matter where you relocate to there is going to be a new set of rule and you have learn them adapt and create a life. If your were to do the same thing we have done even to a country as close as Mexico you would have to do the same thing. But when things are wrong you have go to act, pay your prices to Water Buaffalo University and move on.

If you do act accept your losses and learn not to make the same mistakes eventually you will be succesful in life here.

I find the apparent readiness on the part of some replies on here to brand the woman as evil, no good etc rather without consideration to the possible circumstances.
In my opinion I find it doubtful to think she in any way twisted his arm to get those things, car, house or whatever, in fact its more likely to have been the opposite, he was happy to give her these things to prove his love, maybe to show what a good guy he was or a countless number of other reasons. Now you don't really expect the lass to say NO, do you? I certainly wouldn't .
He was , at the time, happy to give them to her, and she, as sure as God made little apples, happy to take them. So two very happy people. Why would he want to listen to what others say? He's hap hap happy man.
Where the equation went wrong is the expectation they each had from the exchange.He thought his buying all these things would BUY her everlasting devotion etc etc. She thought his buying them for her would enable her to love him. They were both wrong and in a way you could accuse both of being selfish thinking they could put a monetary value on each others love.
In the words of the song"money can't buy you love". I would add, neither can it make you love.
The old man's selfishness is obvious by his stated intention to go back and impose his miseries on his kids lives. That says all for me.

Some valid points but being close, I saw the arm twisting and con and yes wihtout a doubt she is evil.

Anyway,my experience with him,made me grateful for my circumstances!

Yep me to