Update on Advice Needed For Ex ??? Bargirl (Farmgirl)

Well !!!! Certainly some mixed reactions there, some nuetral some very negative and one or two encouraging. But my Thanks to all.Especially Marshall66. Some food for thought there. Yesterday I posted in a somewhat confused state after an emotional phone call from the girl concerned. She is indeed "on the farm" as I spoke to her mother in my very limited Thai. Also her 2 dogs where going troppo in the background.
(dont someone tell me they were soi dogs)
Some contributers have asked me to clarify the situation so as to give a better take on it. So here goes
The Girl: 22yrs old, Drop Dead Gorgeous but with the hands of a women 20-30 years older ( working on farm) No tattoos, no baby, no jewelery (no gold) other than temple string on wrist on televison ,very cheap mobile phone . No watch !! tells time on cellphone ( or maybe looks at sun??) Long black hair natural (no colour) perfect teeth. Very basic English .A Beautifull simple girl from a Farm in the Isaan !! Why was she working in the bar?? For the express purpose to find a Farang husband to improve both her and her familys life ( Dont we all want something better than the hand we have been delt???) Certainly women are no different here in the west !! She has a sister with a farang husband and wants the same for herself. Worked in factory before (5000b per month )
OK ME; 56 yrs old My Background :15yrs in the Military . In Nam 70-71 where I developed Jasmine Fever- a lifelong condition as most will know! After the service put myself through law school and through hard work and good luck am now surrounded by the trappings of a successfull ????? western life. My first wife was Malaysian Chinese, The love of my life. I lost her to cancer in 85. She was 32 yrs old. I miss her everyday of my life. Since then have raised our son by myself and buried myseff in work. With the company I travel extensivly in South East Asias and have enjoyed the company of many Asian women. My last live in was Japanese -But the time came for the visa renewal and I could not commit and she was gone !!
I had to send the girl home by air from Bangers on the "silver bird".
(yes air asia and for less than the price of a good bottle of wine here) As I have a regular girl in BKK - who takes care of me when I am in town
(7 million people but I know they will meet !)
Something about this Isaan farm girl is "DIFFERENT" That should get a response!!
I will indeed formulate a plan. Thanks for that one.
I might even build a new school or hospital for the "Village" what have I got to lose other the my somewhat predictable comfort zone in the West???
Once again any coments, help or advice, good ,negative or otherwise is welcome .
Badger

She sounds like a dream girl!Pure,young,beautiful!What kind of advice are you after?
The only question ,is she honest?Is what she has told you the truth?Only you can judge that as you are the only one that has contact with her and her environment!!

There is no advice to give that won't sound negative,as us ''experienced'' guys can only give you pointers on whats happening the most from our experiences!

If your looking for encouragement,then that is different!There are several guys that I know that have seemingly loyal honest partners that they met in a bar.They all seem to have the basic qualities of your girl except ''drop dead gorgeous'',although most of them are truly pretty women!

It doesn't take long for ''drop dead gorgeous ''girls to find either their worth as a prostitute or as a desired target of other falangs!So ,IMO,they are the least likely ones to have a successful relationship with!

You are obviously a smart educated individual with ''some Asian experience''!So you should not take any of these comments as negative,only a view into possibilities and increased awareness!

I am not one of those people that think a girl working a venue with the motive of meeting a falang for security is a negative thing!I believe that is the motivation of almost all women that take on ''older'' men for partners.There is a no win situation for Isaan women to fall in love with Thais their own age.If he is Chinese-Thai he can't marry her and if he is Isaan Thai he can't support her and the family!

Time is the answer for your situation useing your obvious intelligence to protect yourself financially and emotionally!Don't be devious with her,explain your concerns as it relates to her!Explain to her your expectations as far as her loyalty and honesty to you!Expect ZERO lies,explain the trust is the foundation and that the foundation takes time to be build solidly!!!Which will mean some financially ''restraint'',a good practice initially anyway IMO because it is easy to ''spoil'' a young relative naieve person with no experience of handling money!

I believe it is easy to be generous without making things difficult.Communicate that you don't finance peoples dreams or clean up their financial mistakes!Life and death situations are a different matter,but because of the newness of the relationship and the experience of many others,solid proof either before or after must be provided to help build the ''solid foundation''!Be generous in''gifts'' to the family and her that elevate their living conditions ,not give ''big face''!

Last,but not least!You have to ask yourself the hard questions!
What is it about me that will be able to keep a ''drop dead gorgeous young girl'' when the motivation is security and not because ''she fell in love with ME''!

Even if the answer is not satisfyingly conclusive,if it was me,I would absorb all that youthful beauty I could possibly absorb while checking on my decisions constantly as my heart would probably be leading my brain!Just the opposite of her!Good luck

Badger, sounds like you have your head screwed on right! I enjoyed your description of yourself and although I feel your girlfriend is too young and hasn't been exposed to the realities of life (in terms of commitment) it sounds like she may be genuine. It also sounds like you can 'afford' to 'take a chance'. If you pursue this course, what will you do about your girl in BKK? If you commit to this relationship your BKK relationship will HAVE to stop... as you say, there's only a 7 mil. to 1 chance they will ever meet and my money is on the 1. You have received some good advice from others on the forum and I feel the most valuable is 'take it slow'.

As to this forum, you have started 3 threads now that I'm aware of and it makes it difficult to follow. In fact, I was hard pressed to decide which one to send this to... very confusing . Decide on ONE and stay with it, OK?

Have to agree with BKKStan to a certain extent: Zero tolerance for lies. But, don't be too hard nosed on that one - try to find the reason for or behind the lies before you tell her to pi$$ off. In Thai culture there are seemingly times when it is appropriate to lie - one of which is lying is appropriate if it will avoid a confrontration.

I don't think that I would advertise to the girl, her family, or village that you are thinking of building a school or hospital in the village. That will quickly gain you the title of Kuhn ATM - something that you want to avoid as much as possible.

Rather than building something - which means that it has to be staffed and furnished - consider instead identifying the needs of the local school or the school that the village kids go to if in another village - and see what improvements that you can do there. The same goes for medical facilities. Typically, the government (Thai or village) does not have the money to furnish or staff new facilities that are built. Typically, it is easier to raise money for the local Wat or Temple than it is for schools or medical facilities.

Village schools are in desparate need of decent black boards - or preferably white boards. Also, books, (ideally English as a Foreign Language Books), teaching aids (over head projectors, CD players, lab equipment, computers in remote villages with learning aids (Thai and English) on them, reference books (dictionaries, encyclopedias, etc) and so forth. DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO A SCHOOL! (Give only tangible items and insist on doing an annual inventory. Mark items clearly in Thai and English that they are property of the school - especially computers.) If you give money - it will end up in crappy things being purchased with the difference being put in someone's pocket. Alternatively, you could set up a scholarship fund for both the local school tuitions or for continuing education.

As for medical facilities - again, donation of diagnostic equipment would be a much better investment. Village hospitals are typically used only for immediate care or as a hospice type setting. Major problems require transport to a regional hospital as those hospitals are equipped to handle all types of medical conditions, problems and ailments.

Alternatively, if the village is very poor and based upon subsistence income, you might want to consider doing something like micro loans - small amounts of seed money to help people set up a small business. The money has to be paid back, typically with a very low interest rate or no interest at all. But, it allows a family to set up something like a fish farm, an OTOP type manufacturing business, seamstress / tailor business, etc. That gives people something to build on and benefits everyone in the village - moreso than perhaps a school or medical facility.

Schools in villages are basically a failure because the students don't really see much of a future for themselves. They see no job opportunities. They see no future, much beyond their own village. You would be surprised at the number of people in these smaller villages - even those close to Udon that have never been to Tesco or Big C. In short, they have never been very far from their local village or group of villages. The ones that do go to BKK are the brave and adventerous ones - and basically there they continue to live in the same abject poverty that they had in the village, just under better conditions.

Follow your heart badger but tread carefully in the beginning. I've said this before on this forum and I'll say it again. " If your Girl is playing games with you in a relatively short period of time you will pick up on any lies or inconsistancies as she will forget some things she has lied about in the past ". Read through Stans advice again, there's some good solid stuff in there. Good luck mate and dont forget "who dares wins"

The age difference and the fact that at some stage raising a family may well be on the cards so what is your position on that?
You should visit the village to see where she lives and how poor the village is to get an idea for yourself.If you are this serious then start the ball rolling quickly before she heads back to Krabi under the families instructions.Just hope you do not suddenly find telephone lines all around the village
Any ideas of location near Udon which would give some of the forumites a chance to give you an idea of the area in question.

Badger, I too would support and run with BKK Stan's recommendations on this thread.

Yes, please stick to one thread.

As mentioned the age difference is large, not to say I and others haven't experienced something too dissimilar in our time. It's re-assuring that she has an old phone and hasn't pressed you to replace it with the latest model (yet!?) A concern to me would be that if she is that young and as pretty as you say, she will still be very much of interest to others, farangs AND Thai men (she will be considered to be "in the market" and fair game).

As I said before you may need to watch the influences on her, and at 22 she may well be very susceptible to other influences and pressures and maybe doesn't yet know what (or who) she really likes and dislikes. She will still be developing her character.

I would not, certainly at this stage, make gestures of funding projects in the village. You would be showing too much wealth and accessibility to it. I would keep your finances well and discreetly hidden/private.

You should give thought to how and on what basis you intend to continue/develop the realtionship. If for example, you intend to stay together somehwere in or around Udon. That would be by far the best way to get to know her. Certainly I would stay in thailand with her, at this stage anyway; and don't stay too close to her family or in the village, unless you know what that entails and you can cope with it. Even then I would not. Certainly go and see her village, home and family etc., but I would avoid living there or even close by!!

I would find somewhere to rent and stay together there, for a year, before getting into any serious long term financial outlays. As once spent, you wouldn't realistically be unable to recover the money, if the relationship failed, - if for example you bought her a house in her home village.

I think you will note that everyone's advice here will be take it very slowly, and don't commit anything that you aren't prepared to lose.

Good Luck.

One additional word of caution, - from what you have told us, it would seem that she hadn't been in the bar for very long when you met her. Therefore, you may well be the first nice, polite, "jai dee" farang - that she met, who was eligible/looking for a GF, and at the moment wants to hang on to. (which is in itself a plus). However, be careful, that given a little more time, she may start thinking well if I have met this nice man here, maybe there are more of them out there, with more to offer and maybe I should check around a bit more, before commiting to this one.

What many would then do, is to try and keep you on the line, whilst continue to survey the market for even better alternatives.

Sorry, I don't want to be too negative, but there are many things to be watch out for/be alert to.

And another word: Go slowly and carefully. It is very hard to get a read on what she is really thinking. Plunging with your pockets wide open will certainly show her and her family that you are willing to make a commitment, or it might just send the message that you have "money too much" and are foolish about managing it.

It might be best to take it easy, and go slowly with your spending. No only will it generate some respect for your ability to handle money, but it will reduce your overall loses in case you are being "played."

Give in accordance with the trust she earns, not by your desire to buy her and her village's acceptance. Don't be too tight, but don't heap everything on her at once. In the end, it would do more harm than good.

Many posters on this forum write from extensive, expensive, and painful experience and we hope that you can develope the right relationship with the right person, and in doing so, avoid the pain and heartbreak that seems to come with too many of these farang-Issan girl stories.

Keep your powder dry.

There could be a positive for you Mr Badger if you do spend money in the village whether for the local school or her temple in that it would look very bad on her and especially her parents if she did butterfly as her parents would lose face in the village.If the village is that poor, they would think that future additional funds might be in jeopardy if you ever found out she was being unfaithful.
Could have a difficulty at some stage as she is at the right age now for babies and you may not or cannot deliver.As she does not speak much English how have you drawn a conclusion that she is the one,her interest hobbies at 22 yrs old might not be the same as yours at 56yrs old?

You want this girl to be honest, trustworthy and open for discussion on the worldwide internet.

Can you say the same about yourself????

The Badger wrote:I had to send the girl home by air from Bangers on the "silver bird".
(yes air asia and for less than the price of a good bottle of wine here) As I have a regular girl in BKK - who takes care of me when I am in town
(7 million people but I know they will meet !)

This paragraph worries me

The word 'Butterfly' immediately springs to mind !

Does the 'new' girl know about your 'regular' girl ????
I guess not ?

so she is 22 with a 50 year olds hands and no TV, Mmmm....you seem like a worldly wise man badger who has had jasmine fever for some 37 years, so i can't really understand why you are not sure about things,maybe some on here should be asking you !!

Its all down hill chief... Unless you drop any/all reference to her being an ex "Bargirl". ( Includes being overly suspisious )

If you cannot forget her past and move on you might always be judging what shes doing by the "Bargirl" standards of behavior.

We all have a past and some of us do want to forget it and not be judged or catagorized by it.

I agree with Paul.

If she is a good girl, she is still very young, her life is just beginning.
You've been with her for only a week, how can you talk about love?

You have a regulair girl in Bkk, so how serious are you? If your new girl is waiting for you at her home in Udon Thani, you are in bed with your regulair Bkk girl?
Yet you want to build a school for a new (bar)girl you've been with for a week? Because she has a pretty face? Do you want her to be faithful and wait for you, while you have your "regulair girl"?

Looks like Badger has fallen in love with her as the sex is good,nothing else.Best he starts burrowing like mad