Money to Thai wife/family !? HELP !!!!! SOS, Mayday !

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astrid
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Money to Thai wife/family !? HELP !!!!! SOS, Mayday !

Post by astrid » July 3, 2008, 5:29 am

Hi folks !

Finding out that a lot of you know about the " ground " out there, I have a
few questions that you can answer for me I hope :

1:If I marry a regular (? ) Thai girl in Udon Thani, what do she expect to
get for her self and family on a monthly bacis ?

2: What kind of money should I give her for keeping a house for 2 persons. ( She and me + a big Dog of course )
Food etc. ( Me paying the rent, phone, electrisity basic stuff )

3: What kind of money to pay to the parent´s when getting maried ?

4: I know that a small wedding include a 100 + guest in Thailand, what
kind of money would that amount too ?

I be happy for all information, might get handy next year when I start
to live in Udorn.

I do intend to do things the Thai way, still not quite sure how things work.

Take care - Bo.



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Post by sparky » July 3, 2008, 6:20 am

No one can answer your questions but sounds like you are being set up. There is no obligtion to pay a dowry, support her family. She does expect you to support her and possibly her daughter. Many Thais do not pay dowrys and many do not support the wifes family. In my case, I support the daughter and my wife and everyone is happy with that. Please read Thailand Fever in the bookstores it states clearly about the dowry. If your wife to be was married before, has a child it it not normal to pay a dowry. Sounds like you are heading for big trouble. Beware!

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pompui
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Post by pompui » July 3, 2008, 6:22 am

Re question 3,if ur regular?? Thai girl has had kids,been married before,which I would call a regular Thai girl looking for a farang,then no money to the parents.

So many questions,sorry cannot look up all the topics u have mentioned that have been mentioned before.

Best of luck :shock:

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BKKSTAN
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Post by BKKSTAN » July 3, 2008, 6:51 am

I think you should qualify your situation a little more before asking and considering advice.Though many of us have ''extensive'' experience as expats in relationships with Thai women,all of us,as you ,are individuals with experiences that form a bias about many of the questions you have asked!

To start with ,what is your fiancees requests?

What is her background?

Does she work now?

Is her family selfsustaining now?

Has she been married before and does she have children?

How long have you known each other and how did you meet?

What is your age difference and do you believe she is marrying you for security versus being in love?

Are you confident in her present honesty to you and do you expect honesty at all costs?

Do you believe she needs support from you at this time or are you trying to ''insure'' your exclusivity?

What are your future plans for living in Thailand and is this going to be a long distance relationship?

Is the dog your or hers initially? :lol:

There are many more questions that you should ask yourself to qualify your position because there are many variables involved and general advice might or might not be applicable to your particular situation and your potential partner!

You see,no one can give you advice w/o knowing much more about both of you!And no one expects you to reveal anything that might be to personal,especially to strangers on a public forum!

If you sincerely want our input,you will have to give more info!

Or you can ask yourself the tough questions about who you and her are,and make decisions based on much info published in many forms!Monthly support,sin sod,cost of living etc. are all relative to a particular situation and should be addressed as such!

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marjamlew
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Post by marjamlew » July 3, 2008, 7:33 am

or, if you have the time, you could read the myriad of threads in the relationships category and possibily answer your own questions ( or even just give them more of a focus as per stan's suggestion). i believe all of your questions have been discussed extensively in other threads.
good luck
Watch Me!!

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banpaeng
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Post by banpaeng » July 3, 2008, 8:13 am

There really is a simple answer to these questions. What would you do in your home country in the same situation? It is no different here on how you should act. If a woman was asking for all this money in your home country, I bet you would run!!!!!! Think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMHO by asking on a public forum, you need to back up, count to 10 and start over on this.

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Post by RALPHCUSENS » July 3, 2008, 8:34 am

Astrid, I agree with Stans observations above, all partnerships vary so much, it would not be possible to generalize.

From your original post, I take it she has NO Children, if she has not been married before, it would be expected that a dowry be forthcoming, the amount, depends on many things. such as ::

Her age
Her occupation
Her and her families standing in the community.


As to how much to give her family, there is no obligation to commit yourself to donate any set amount each month, however, if after getting to know the "outlaws",
you decide that they need some sort of help, that is a different matter and is a matter of personal choice. IMHO, it would be very foolhardy of you to agree commit a set amount each month :(

As far as the monthly housekeeping is concerned, that depends on on the standard of living you yourself expect to live!

YOU , not her, must set the financial ground rules, if you do not, things can very easily get out of hand.

I wish you the best of luck in your deliberations :D :D :D

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Post by mortiboy » July 3, 2008, 8:39 am

Glad you have the intelligence to ask about your intentions stay here Thailand with a Thai wife. I just wish I had done the same.
Many farangs come to Thailand,without any knowledge of the style of life they will endure.
Look at all posts about farangs staying here.So many threads about all kinds of problems.
You will see so many hard luck stories.Some just horrific situation's. Be aware,things are not what they seem! but if you are careful.and take it nice and easy,You will find happiness.
1. Why do you need to get married?What advantage will you have?I am not married to my love.Dont have any problem there.
2 The saying here is "up to you" here.Depends on Her family situation.Even if she has no kids,She will expect support for her parents.and,God forbid, brothers,sisters,aunts ect ect.
3.Dowry nowadays is old hat!Although I know a farang who paid 100,000 baht for a woman .she was 40 years old!
Usually a dowery is paid when the Daughter is about 18 years old.But do you really want to "buy" a wife?You will be supporting her parents any way.
But really up to you.You give what you think appropriate.Bear in mind,average wage here is 4000-5000 baht a month for the "working class" If you work on that,You can see you dont need to spend a large amount of money.
But all depends on the circumstances.Weigh thing up,DONT get taken for a ride!
4,If you really want a wedding,It can cost you about 100,000 baht or more.If you want spend that!But.Depends on you.in fact everything depends on you.You will get people call you "cheap Charlie" Just to make you feel guilty parting with your money.DONT listen!
So please see all the stories you will see about farangs staying here.Theres much to learn.Otherwise you could be going down the road to the LAND OF RIP OFF! :D
Good luck to you.May the force be with you. :D

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Post by RALPHCUSENS » July 3, 2008, 9:23 am

:? :?

A , dowry!, (lighthearted)

can be assimilated with an insurance policy, the younger you are the less you pay. The older you are the more you pay, as the premiums collected will have a substantially reduced timespan, Thai logic, (for some) "Get it while you can", Then find the next benefactor, and start collecting premiums again!!! \:D/ \:D/ \:D/ \:D/ \:D/ \:D/ \:D/

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aznyron
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Post by aznyron » July 3, 2008, 9:42 am

let me give my opinion which is worthless number 1 I did not & will not pay diary for a wife
#2 if she has old parents by all means support them but bring them in to your home if you can and feed them #3 I will not give a monthly allowance to any member of her family I will help when help is needed #4 as for buying or building a house that OK but only 1 house for your wife and make it large enough so her parents can live there also. #5 if Daddy is younger than you let him go to work
just like every other Thai man does who daughter is single or married to a thai man with out money
#6 under no circumstance you should be seen as a walking ATM

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BobHelm
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Post by BobHelm » July 3, 2008, 9:43 am

You really need to read ALL of the relationship threads...
Do not forget that there are 2 "marriage" ceremonies in Thailand.
1. Civil - performed at the Amphore office. Costs a few 100 baht, is a legal document & can be registered as a marriage with your embassy. You will need certain documentation from your embassy to show that you are 'free to marry'. This will afford you (limited) rights in the case of a divorce some time in the future.
2. Village - just an excuse for a party & a gaining of "face" for the family - will offer no legal rights & will only cost money.
If you decide that you are going to pay 'sin sot' make it very clear to the family & your wife that ALL the costs for this party will become THEIR responsibility & you will not contribute.
If you do not end up paying sin sot then the costs of this party should be borne by you. BUT make it very plain from the start how much you are willing to pay. I have been to some very reasonable Thai/Thai village weddings where I very much doubt if the full cost was more than 20,000 baht. On the other hand I went to one Thai/Falang wedding where I would doubt if he got any change from 200,000 baht - full stage, acts, MC, 400+ guests.
Unless your wife has a good full time job then (personally & others may well disagree with me on this) I think that a monthly 'allowance is reasonable. How much???? depends on your circumstances but if you give a ridiculously high amount then I think that you are just making a rod for your own back in the future. In addition make it very clear to your wife that any money that goes to the family will come out of this allowance & not from you.
If, in the future, you want to make improvements to the family home in order that it is more comfortable for YOU when you visit, so be it.
Also look at the prenuptial agreement thread.
All I have said might sound callous to you (& maybe I am :D ) but you need to start this relationship sensibly. If you do not then some time down the road you will need to try & restore "normality" as far as money is concerned. This will prove very difficult if you have started off in a cavalier manner with it.
Always remember it is very easy to spend other peoples' money - some Thais can take this to the extreme if you let them.

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aznyron
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Post by aznyron » July 3, 2008, 10:13 am

Bob excellent post you said it better than I could and you are not callous I would call it SMART
I went to my wife niece village wedding her husband did not spend very much the village guest at the wedding look to me to buy beer I did I bought 2 cases that all when it was gone it was gone
I don't drink and I did not eat any thing and all I drank was bottle water which I bought
what I did do is give 5k and I paid for 1 night at the karin for them so they can have some fun

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Post by Ricohoc » July 3, 2008, 10:30 am

After beginning my second year of study at Water Buffalo University, I can add that I do not intend to pay anything for someone's hand in marriage other than to take the very best care of her that is possible.

If the family will not be happy with me taking care of their daughter/cousin/sister and her children (if any), then I won't be part of that family and will move on.

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Post by LoveDaBlues » July 3, 2008, 10:39 am

My wife and I are legally married. We never had a village ceremony (no sinsod). I spend around 15k Baht each month on the in-laws. I give my wife what she needs and asks for. Three years together and no major problems.

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Post by UdornLA » July 3, 2008, 10:45 am

Stan has a lot of good points and questions to ask yourself. Plus without the info, hard to advise. This advice, consider the source, is assuming she is not 18 - 20 year old village virgin in traditional family, no matter what impression is given to you. Apologies if taken the wrong way, but you asked.

1. If taking care of her, that is all she needs, and a little pocket money, since you will be providing everything else for her. That way, doesn

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Galee
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Post by Galee » July 3, 2008, 10:54 am

I pay all bills etc but don't actually give my gf a baht.

Seems to work for me.

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Post by jetdoc » July 3, 2008, 11:21 am

"As pointed out, what would you give parents of wife in your own country. Nothing, why do it here." Some of the things I see getting ignored here when comparing to our home country is the social structure and the glaring age spread. In my country there is SS, but in the Thailand the family (read mostly young attractive daughters) is the SS. When I met my wife she was the main provider with brothers and sisters giving a near same amount combined to take care of patents. Now the decision here is quite simple if I were to tell her she can no longer do this there will be no harmony in the relationship and it would have been better to walk away. I'm sure if I told I don't want her helping family she would tell me to take a hike as she has principals too. As for age, in my country once you are past 45 years of age you become invisible to anyone more than 2 or 3 years younger than yourself, of course this phenomena can be modified with MONEY lots and lots of MONEY;o)

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LoveDaBlues
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Post by LoveDaBlues » July 3, 2008, 3:31 pm

jetdoc - you're not allowed to post here anymore......using your brain is not allowed......don't you know that? :lol:

Kidding aside, it always cracks me up when people say, "would you do that in your home country etc. etc. " NEWS FLASH - you're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy!
And YES, if I was married to an American and her parents needed money OF COURSE I'd help them out. Why wouldn't I; it's my wife's parents!

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Post by jetdoc » July 3, 2008, 3:46 pm

I remember going through immigration on one return trip was asked "oh been to Thailand again what did you do in Thailand?" My reply "everything I'm not allowed to do here." Almost got a cavity search!!!

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Post by ben turpin » July 3, 2008, 6:02 pm

Hello

I can only advise to member astrid to read your post and the others with great care. Very useful information how to avoid or at least try to avoid disaster in a thai relationship. I had several gf's and burnt my fingers in the beginning thinking this will not happen to me. Big mistake. The information the other members are giving you is very useful so I won't repeat that.
Only remember you cannot buy a relationship. I learnt that from my first gf who was a devil in disguise and scammed me completely. My mistake was not to listen to alarm signals or other people including her own stepsister warning me about the many thai boyfriends she had. So I learned it the very hard way. This one was such a trickster that after I found out I graduated in learning thai stories and family handling. In the end it did not bring her much because at this moment her stay is unfortunately the monkeyhouse in pattaya being picked up by the police as a member of a gang. And believe me before I kicked her out she could play a kind of snow white. ( and I was one of the dwarfs called Dopey)
In spite of this bad first start I never made the mistake to hate thais or even this one. In a way I was stupid too not to see or take other people's advice at heart. But it made me cautious after this breakup. Before I met my new gf I traveled through THailand meeting all kind of girls and their stories. Because I saw through most of these stories with a laugh some of these girls started to call me a turtle. I never found out if this is good or bad. Thai thinking keeps difficult for me and I admit I learn everyday.
With my new gf ( who I met at one of my trips and helped her get home to Isaan) I made the rules very simple. A little support for her and her parents ( making it very clear I wouldn't sponsor aunts , uncles etc/ they have a big farm and can work ) about 5000- 7000 bath a month. Further she works ( boredom is the biggest killer in a relation) and live with her parents in the udon area. Would she decide to go to Pattaya or Phuket ( the only two places I dislike in thailand) I will not support her anymore. Also I visited her and her family in the udon area several times to check out her background and getting to know her and her family better. At my last visit she asked me about a wedding and she wanted to come to europe. In my opinion too fast so I told her I had to rethink about a wedding but would love to show her europe when the time is right. At this moment you get no person out of thailand into the country where I live.
In a way you have to adapt to the thai way of family if you start a relationship. But don't accept everything. Make clear you are and always will be a farang and state that some things go different for you. Don't do things in a hurry. And if there is a difference in opinion NEVER NEVER get angry. Try to give an answer ( and this is the tricky part) where you can give your veto but in well packed message.Never be to direct or speak loud .Bring it with a smile or use a mediator. Avoid that your gf or family loose face. Setting some rules with your gf works too. And if not say goodbye because you burn your fingers in the end.

UdornLA wrote:Stan has a lot of good points and questions to ask yourself. Plus without the info, hard to advise. This advice, consider the source, is assuming she is not 18 - 20 year old village virgin in traditional family, no matter what impression is given to you. Apologies if taken the wrong way, but you asked.

1. If taking care of her, that is all she needs, and a little pocket money, since you will be providing everything else for her. That way, doesn’t have to ask, every time she wants something non essential, and also, puts a little on non essentials. Parents, I think they survived for 40 years at least before you arrived, they can make it another 40 without you. As pointed out, what would you give parents of wife in your own country. Nothing, why do it here.

2. That’s going to be relative to standard of living and where. Myself, family of 3, do just fine on 35k a month. That’s 5k for rent, car and motorbike are paid for, private school, average 2k a month. 15k for food (50/50 Thai/farang, in house/restaurant), 2k or less for electric. 3k for petrol, small car, soon to be less when motorbike arrives. Live 2 kms past ring road, essential driving is less than 10 kms r/t to school. With market in between and downtown 5 more kms, keeping fuel cost down. That includes pocket money for the little lady, obviously too much, since she saves about 25-30 % of it.

If she is presently living in village w/parents, she should make it on her own for 5-10 k a month with no problem, actually a bit extra.

Family gets nothing on a monthly basis, and from the start, don’t lend money. NEVER.

3. This is a tough one, and all about show. Dowry is traditionally for 1st marriage. If in her 20’s, guessing already been married or have kid already (whether registered or Buddhist marriage, still a marriage). Typical village gal, 1st marriage, 50k baht range. A Thai would not pay dowry/sin sot to divorced/bar gal/already have kids/non 1st marriage. So why should a farang. But this is going to be your choice. And money issues in the beginning will be a good judge for you to assess the way the rest of your life will be. Your control, or giving it all away, until gone, you discarded, then, next. A negative view, but sometimes very realistic.

4. Weddings are actually fairly cheap, again relative to what your plans are, average 100-200 baht a person for food, 100 per for alcohol, and that should be more than enough. Unless doing at restaurant/venue. Usually a family/village affair with lots of help prepping things. They have it down to a science. Entertainment, up to you. Plan on minimum of 50k baht, should be safe, the rest will depend on extras, entertainment if any, etc.

‘Thai way’, or Thai culture. There is no such thing, unless a very traditional family and village. She is marrying a farang, very non traditional. ‘Thai culture’, is what they want you to do, if they want you to do it, it’s Thai culture and expected. If they don’t want to do it, it’s not Thai culture. This is used all the time to their advantage and total BS.

YOU need to answer a lot of those questions, get a good feel about what YOU and wife want, not family. If you are not happy, you can’t make her happy. You will never make her family happy. I personally wouldn’t do anything, until you are here permanently. Evaluate how long your past relationships have lasted, your history, if like me, and a lot of short ones, less than 5 years, don’t invest much until past that point. You are going to have a lot of challenges, simply, is Udon for you, is Thailand for your. Cultural issues. Family and friends, may I advise, live as far away from both as you can. Unless you want to see them every day and night, and be constantly hounded for money here and there. Will the relationship last, odds are no, sad but true. RENT RENT RENT, invest only what you can lose. Take it slow. Live here before committing any large investment.

If she and family, she wanting more than 10k baht a month pocket money, above all expenses you will be providing, and/or, family expects a monthly expense..................SAY GOOD-BYE to this one, there are plenty more waiting to though themselves at you. Once living here, it’s eye opening.

Best of luck in your thought and decision process. The above is a fairly negative, but realistic view, until you, yourself, have a complete grasp of Thai/farang relationships and living here. I takes everyone a while to adjust/conform/stand up for self. Relationships in general are tough, besides all the extras you will have to deal with here. You may be extremely lucky, all things work out as expecting to, and be happily married for many years with non of the above issues surfacing. But for a first timer, like most of us, it didn’t work out that way. But most of the regulars finally got it right and are quiet happy, either in a relationship, or living a single life.

Best of luck to you, and congrats on the marriage. Hope the above is all for not.

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