Consolidated Joke Thread

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Bonanza
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Bonanza » July 17, 2020, 6:38 am

My girlfriend's dog died two days ago, so I got her an identical one. She was really crazy about it, saying, "What the f___ do I want with two dead dogs!".



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 17, 2020, 7:55 pm

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goodison
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by goodison » July 18, 2020, 1:24 pm

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
(Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.)

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to
the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did, and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 71-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 19, 2020, 1:54 pm

goodison wrote:
July 18, 2020, 1:24 pm
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?" I asked.
(Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.)

She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to
the Senior Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did, and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 71-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Good One Dave....... =D> =D> =D> :lol: :lol: :lol:

tinpeeba
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » July 19, 2020, 1:56 pm

I ate a clock yesterday.
It was very time consuming.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 19, 2020, 2:01 pm

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TAXIfor7/11
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » July 20, 2020, 9:06 am

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Chuchi
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » September 12, 2020, 11:28 am

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Doodoo
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Doodoo » September 13, 2020, 10:42 am

Header recently at Mechanics shop

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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An expat reacts to Vietnam’s new visa rule..

Post by DuiDui49 » September 14, 2020, 3:03 pm

..maybe same as expats reacts to Visa rules in Thailand..

https://youtu.be/nJwBvjXY3cw
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//DuiDui
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"To grow and mature demands time and willingness to learn from your own misstakes"

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » October 7, 2020, 8:12 pm

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ----- me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 12, 2020, 4:03 pm

Yesterdays Spitting Image for anyone who likes a laugh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcIedRXflTY

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » October 13, 2020, 10:43 pm

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the better sex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I slept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 14, 2020, 11:07 pm

I phoned the boss, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the bloody morning! What are you doing on a train?"

I said, "You're the one who told me you wanted me in Brighton early this morning!"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 17, 2020, 1:22 pm

15 years ago today my mate James came running out, saying

"It's a boy" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went to Thailand again.

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » November 19, 2020, 11:23 am

Apologies to my Aussie Nephew and Niece.

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'


'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.
And the Blonde entered Heaven..?... and now you're singing it, aren't you...??

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » November 19, 2020, 11:29 am

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like ----."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » November 19, 2020, 10:30 pm

As I get older I find I only need three shops: Specsavers, Boots, and Greggs.

My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls.🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 21, 2020, 2:33 pm

D5Z9eQFWkAAJ94U.jpg

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dezzer111
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by dezzer111 » November 22, 2020, 3:41 pm

747man wrote:
November 21, 2020, 2:36 pm
A Real xxxxx Trick, Just ask Dezzer.......EnVFaC3XYAAlk88.jpg
Never fails, still pulling the same stunt I've made big money off that one 😂.
"You'll Never Walk Alone"L.F.C.

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