Consolidated Joke Thread

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jackspratt
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An Ode to Our Kiwi Cousins

Post by jackspratt » November 13, 2021, 3:36 pm

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock

The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,

"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam

He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed..

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.

He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea

But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch

The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car

The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks

Spot the hazard; assess the risk; and always wear your jocks! 🐑 🐑



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maaka
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by maaka » November 13, 2021, 5:00 pm


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747man
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Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 22, 2021, 1:17 pm

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears.

After that, I was terrified of cockroaches.......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » November 30, 2021, 8:26 pm

EarlyNazis.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 30, 2021, 8:51 pm

Eq5knrxXIAE-9ix.jpg

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Stantheman
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Stantheman » December 1, 2021, 8:37 am

Sorry Mjkt I don't consider that cartoon as a joke

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » December 1, 2021, 5:58 pm

DoubleGlazing.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » December 1, 2021, 6:03 pm

Wisny.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » December 2, 2021, 3:26 pm

BetweenYouAndMeAndTwitter.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 4, 2021, 3:16 pm

Pray for my mother-in-law

Shes been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade…

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 4, 2021, 7:11 pm

Was having a mare of a morning… but then my friend Brian Rice sent my this:
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood..... big, stately residences...
no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... 𝐍𝐎 𝐏𝐔𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐂 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌𝐒.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the “𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐡 𝐄𝐦𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐲."

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Earnest
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 6, 2021, 2:56 am

Ho, ho, ah yes, very good!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 6, 2021, 5:48 pm

Left their back door open again !!!!

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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » December 6, 2021, 7:53 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
December 6, 2021, 5:48 pm
Left their back door open again !!!!
Always a risky proposition in England, where not so many years ago, buggery was compulsory - or so I am lead to believe. :-k

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 7, 2021, 6:27 am

Only in the Royal Navy or the Household Cavalry, it was optional in the Royal Air Force, take my word for it.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 7, 2021, 10:34 am

Earnest wrote:
December 7, 2021, 6:27 am
Only in the Royal Navy or the Household Cavalry, it was optional in the Royal Air Force, take my word for it.
Hello SAILOR !! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 7, 2021, 5:41 pm

What ?......... so all those Freddie Mercury moustaches had another meaning ........ more than the odd "rear gunner" in RAF I've heard :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 8, 2021, 1:49 am

Oh, you're talking about the officers, japes like that never occurred in the Sergeants Mess.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 8, 2021, 4:31 pm

65 year old guy walks into a bar with his new stunning 20 year old wife.

Barman says, "Cor mate, how did you score that one?"

Old guy replies, "I lied to her about my age"

Barman says, "Wot, like you said you were 40?"

Old guy, "Nah, I told her I was 93"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 8, 2021, 7:35 pm

Don't believe that one ....... any mention of 93 would have her running for the hills :lol:

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