Consolidated Joke Thread

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 2, 2020, 10:31 pm

I hear there could be a legal fight for Diego Maradoa's ashes they are said to have a "street value" of 8 million quid



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 2, 2020, 11:12 pm

EoNQVDEXUAApIDU.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vlad » December 3, 2020, 3:11 pm

Oisin Murthy current champion jockey in the UK has been banned after testing possitive for Cocaine after he was witnessed running faster than his Horse.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 4, 2020, 8:18 am

vlad wrote:
December 3, 2020, 3:11 pm
Oisin Murthy current champion jockey in the UK has been banned after testing possitive for Cocaine after he was witnessed running faster than his Horse.
Not a difficult task with some that I've backed over the years :roll:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Niggly » December 7, 2020, 10:14 pm

Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative? Arse skin for a friend.
Age & treachery will always triumph over youth & ability

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » December 8, 2020, 7:45 am

Liverpudlian/Irishman (take your pick) comes home from work early one day, cant find his wife anywhere, he dashes upstairs, into bedroom and there's his wife lying on the bed, naked, and a half naked man climbing out the window, down the drain pipe and away down the street. He's distraught, goes to the wardrobe and pulls out a big revolver and puts it to his head, his wife starts laughing. He says to her, "dont know what you're laughing at, you're next"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » December 8, 2020, 1:07 pm

3 fellas go for a job interview. In walks the boss n says it's a quick test lads one at a time ok.
Feeling good first bloke goes in. The boss looks him in the eyes and says look at me youve got 30 seconds n tell me what you see.
He stares at the boss 30 seconds then says your left ears lower than your right.
Chuffed the boss says great observation and hires him.
In comes no 2.
Again boss says you've 30 seconds to look at me n say what you see.
After 30 seconds the man says your right ears higher than your left. Chuffed the boss says great observation and hires him on the spot.
In walks no 3.
Same again boss says you've got 30 seconds to look at me and say what you see.
30 seconds later the man says you wear contact lenses. Stunned the boss asks how he knows that. The bloke says youd never get glasses on those ******* ears

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » December 15, 2020, 8:39 am

MFR station were interviewing an 80-year-old Golspie lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » December 15, 2020, 6:08 pm

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks
in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an
off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.
Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the ---- do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says,
"Ryanair".

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 15, 2020, 10:43 pm

EpSQKslUwAQwnb4.jpg
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 16, 2020, 8:55 pm

Ah
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vlad » December 18, 2020, 2:04 am

The wife said to me hey you seen the Dog Bowl? I replied to be honest love i never knew he played Cricket.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 19, 2020, 10:59 am

At last my Christmas presents have arrived that I got for the wife,was beginning to wonder if they’d ever get here,I was genuinely worried,so excited been planning it for months,a top of the range Iron and ironing board and a years subscription to weight watchers

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 19, 2020, 11:05 am

I got the wife the Belt and Bag she has been asking for over the last six months.
Now on Christmas day she will be able to fix the hoover

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 19, 2020, 6:11 pm

My kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer’s!!! They won’t find it funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 20, 2020, 8:11 pm

“Two used life jackets and a half inflated dinghy! What kind of Christmas present is that?", my girlfriend said
It was at that point I realised she wanted me to get her something from Chanel

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Stantheman » December 20, 2020, 8:51 pm


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 23, 2020, 2:20 am

Well I never!!!!!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 23, 2020, 2:58 pm

Ah
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 23, 2020, 4:29 pm

All Brits can have an extra portion of stuffin' this year instead :lol:

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