Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 11, 2023, 8:25 pm

Very True this In'it ??
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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » May 12, 2023, 9:45 am

Glory be ...... I stumbled upon this gem from 2008. This Irish Alan fella obviously knew his stuff.

And nothing's really changed. :D
Irish Alan wrote:
December 15, 2008, 12:59 am
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about involuntary muscle contractions. To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, 'For example, do you know what your arsehole does while you are having an orgasm?' She replies 'Hes at Goodison watching Everton'.

____________________________________________________________________

A man walks into a pub were they have a robot serving behind the bar, he orders a pint & whilst the robot is pouring it he asks the punter what his IQ is.

The man replies 147 & the robot starts chatting about the difficulties in the American sub prime mortgage market causing a credit crunch over here in the UK.

The guy is amazed by the robot decides to visit the pub a week later, again as the robot is pouring his pint he asks the guy what his IQ is.

This time the guy says 94 & the robot starts chatting about who'll get the England Job and about that bloke who reappeared for 5 years after faking a canoe accident.

Again the bloke is amazed by the robot & visits the pub the following week, usual script the robot asks him what his IQ is

This time the man replies 57 to see how the robot reacts

The robot starts chatting in a real slow & deliberate voice and says.....

"So how do you think Moyes is doing this season?"

_____________________________________________________________________

There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Phil Neville and Louis Saha!

_____________________________________________________________________


EVERTON SOUVENIR SHOP

EVERTON TABLE CLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion, but tend to slip down the table after a short while £10.00

EVERTON VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20years.
This 10-minute video includes many re runs and is a must for all the fans. £ 9.99

EVERTON BANNERS -Complete with interchangeable slogans e.g.
LEE OUT, ROYLE OUT, WATSON OUT, KENDALL OUT, SMITH OUT, MOYES OUT, LET ME OUT etc £15.00

EVERTON BRA -One for the ladies in team colours, comes with little support and no cups. £5.00

OUR LITTLE HERO KEYRING -Complete with a model of Bob Latchford (our little hero) attached £0.50

EVERTON JOKE BOOK -A must for all fans this 1000 page book is full of the best jokes ever told about the club. £25.00

EVERTON CONDOMS -Come in all sizes from little hero to Big Dunc. Ideal for all the pricks in the Bullens road £0.75 for lifetime supply

EVERTON TANKARD -Comes in many styles the most popular being the Kendall model which comes full to the brim with beer £19.99

KEEPER's GLOVE - A must for fans at the back of the stands or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8.99

LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for more discerning fans. This quality publication gives directions to the Nation-wide League Stadiums. £25.00

EVERTON MINTS -Helps to take away the bitter taste of defeat. £0.20

EVERTON LIPSTICK -Ideal for kissing goodbye -to the premier league (as worn by our players) £0.99 each

BARGAIN BASEMENT Our annual clearance sale of players (some shop soiled) most come free of charge to a good home. They make ideal garden gnomes and door stops.

_________________________________________________________________

A burglary was recently committed at Everton’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet

Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

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Laan Yaa Mo
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Laan Yaa Mo » May 12, 2023, 2:31 pm

Now this is good, clean humour.
You only pass through this life once, you don't come back for an encore.

Whistler
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » May 12, 2023, 2:40 pm

Apparently the police have been patrolling the walls at Goodison Park to stop fans climbing over the fence. Police insist they cannot leave the park until the game is finished and then leave via official exits.
I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 12, 2023, 3:03 pm

jackspratt wrote:
May 12, 2023, 9:45 am
Glory be ...... I stumbled upon this gem from 2008. This Irish Alan fella obviously knew his stuff.

And nothing's really changed. :D
Irish Alan wrote:
December 15, 2008, 12:59 am
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about involuntary muscle contractions. To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, 'For example, do you know what your arsehole does while you are having an orgasm?' She replies 'Hes at Goodison watching Everton'.

____________________________________________________________________

A man walks into a pub were they have a robot serving behind the bar, he orders a pint & whilst the robot is pouring it he asks the punter what his IQ is.

The man replies 147 & the robot starts chatting about the difficulties in the American sub prime mortgage market causing a credit crunch over here in the UK.

The guy is amazed by the robot decides to visit the pub a week later, again as the robot is pouring his pint he asks the guy what his IQ is.

This time the guy says 94 & the robot starts chatting about who'll get the England Job and about that bloke who reappeared for 5 years after faking a canoe accident.

Again the bloke is amazed by the robot & visits the pub the following week, usual script the robot asks him what his IQ is

This time the man replies 57 to see how the robot reacts

The robot starts chatting in a real slow & deliberate voice and says.....

"So how do you think Moyes is doing this season?"

_____________________________________________________________________

There was this 22-year old secretary girl from Merseyside was vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, Phil Neville and Louis Saha!

_____________________________________________________________________


EVERTON SOUVENIR SHOP

EVERTON TABLE CLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion, but tend to slip down the table after a short while £10.00

EVERTON VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20years.
This 10-minute video includes many re runs and is a must for all the fans. £ 9.99

EVERTON BANNERS -Complete with interchangeable slogans e.g.
LEE OUT, ROYLE OUT, WATSON OUT, KENDALL OUT, SMITH OUT, MOYES OUT, LET ME OUT etc £15.00

EVERTON BRA -One for the ladies in team colours, comes with little support and no cups. £5.00

OUR LITTLE HERO KEYRING -Complete with a model of Bob Latchford (our little hero) attached £0.50

EVERTON JOKE BOOK -A must for all fans this 1000 page book is full of the best jokes ever told about the club. £25.00

EVERTON CONDOMS -Come in all sizes from little hero to Big Dunc. Ideal for all the pricks in the Bullens road £0.75 for lifetime supply

EVERTON TANKARD -Comes in many styles the most popular being the Kendall model which comes full to the brim with beer £19.99

KEEPER's GLOVE - A must for fans at the back of the stands or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8.99

LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for more discerning fans. This quality publication gives directions to the Nation-wide League Stadiums. £25.00

EVERTON MINTS -Helps to take away the bitter taste of defeat. £0.20

EVERTON LIPSTICK -Ideal for kissing goodbye -to the premier league (as worn by our players) £0.99 each

BARGAIN BASEMENT Our annual clearance sale of players (some shop soiled) most come free of charge to a good home. They make ideal garden gnomes and door stops.

_________________________________________________________________

A burglary was recently committed at Everton’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a blue carpet

Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
He Didn't Know His Stuff He Was An OIRISH Kopite that didn't even know where Analfield was.....

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 12, 2023, 3:05 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 12, 2023, 5:26 pm

Whistler wrote:
May 12, 2023, 2:40 pm
Apparently the police have been patrolling the walls at Goodison Park to stop fans climbing over the fence. Police insist they cannot leave the park until the game is finished and then leave via official exits.
555 !! Your Hilarious Ain't Yer :-" :-" :-"

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 12, 2023, 6:32 pm

Be fair whistler it was almost 75 mins before the home end was empty when Newcastle visited Goodison

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 12, 2023, 6:40 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
May 12, 2023, 6:32 pm
Be fair whistler it was almost 75 mins before the home end was empty when Newcastle visited Goodison
And The Bonecutters End was Empty at Half Time against The Villa......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 13, 2023, 8:56 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 13, 2023, 8:58 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 6:17 pm

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 6:36 pm

IT'S DM Again......
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 6:55 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 6:58 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 7:11 pm

Sign on sign on
With dole in your heart and you'll always sign on again, you'll always sign on again 🤣😂🤣
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 10:32 pm

My wife was changing a plug. I stood behind her and at the perfect moment I pulled a party popper. She collapsed in shock and I took her to casualty. When she came round, I said, "Don't you EVER ****** well say I never surprise you or take you anywhere again!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 14, 2023, 10:40 pm

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said Ruth, the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old, Maxine. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said Gilda, the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked Ruth.
"No, I pee every morning at 6 A.M. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?" Maxine questioned.
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 A.M.," Gilda responded.
Puzzled with this, Ruth said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 A.M. and poop every morning at 6:30 A.M. So what's so tough about being eighty?"
"I don't wake up until seven..................555 ! 555 !

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 16, 2023, 11:12 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 16, 2023, 7:53 pm

Desiree Was that Little Boy......
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