Consolidated Joke Thread

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » November 2, 2022, 10:27 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 3, 2022, 4:12 pm

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away.The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away.So it goes, day in and day out, one morning the sales clerk asks the grandmother curiously: "Grandmother, why do you always throw away the newspaper immediately?", whereupon the grandmother answers, "... oh, I just look at the obituaries...". The salesman is astonished, "But the obituaries are not on the front page...". The grandmother replies, "...the obituary I'm waiting for will be on the front page..."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 3, 2022, 8:22 pm

312315763_5644988268913130_4855488976683310618_n.jpg
.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 6, 2022, 11:57 am

Sorry, I know this is not politically correct but it IS funny.
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 6, 2022, 12:25 pm

Not Really a " Joke " But More like the Truth !!!

LET'S SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET ?
A JOB👮, A DRIVERS LICENSE🚗, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD🎫, WELFARE💰, FOOD STAMPS🍗, CREDIT CARDS💳, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE🏡, FREE EDUCATION🎓, FREE HEALTH CARE💊,
A LOBBYIST IN LONDON📯, BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE📑
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG 🇹🇷🇩🇿🇨🇳🇦🇪🇪🇸🇻🇪🇨🇴🇪🇨🇯🇴
WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE!!!
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!💭
PLEASE KEEP !!! THIS GOING......FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY
IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tamada » November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm

OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~

'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 6, 2022, 3:59 pm

tamada wrote:
November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm
OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
NO, Just Copied & Pasted.....Carry On Reading the Sunday Post !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » November 6, 2022, 6:53 pm

747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 3:59 pm
tamada wrote:
November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm
OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
NO, Just Copied & Pasted.....Carry On Reading the Sunday Post !!

copied and pasted from the Daily Mail website then

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 6, 2022, 11:17 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
November 6, 2022, 6:53 pm
747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 3:59 pm
tamada wrote:
November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm
OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
NO, Just Copied & Pasted.....Carry On Reading the Sunday Post !!

copied and pasted from the Daily Mail website then
NO, From Facebook Messenger O.K. !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tamada » November 7, 2022, 1:37 am

747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 11:17 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
November 6, 2022, 6:53 pm
747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 3:59 pm
tamada wrote:
November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm
OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
NO, Just Copied & Pasted.....Carry On Reading the Sunday Post !!

copied and pasted from the Daily Mail website then
NO, From Facebook Messenger O.K. !!
OMG! It gets worse!
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~

'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 7, 2022, 11:28 am

tamada wrote:
November 7, 2022, 1:37 am
747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 11:17 pm
stattointhailand wrote:
November 6, 2022, 6:53 pm
747man wrote:
November 6, 2022, 3:59 pm
tamada wrote:
November 6, 2022, 2:14 pm
OMG!!! A SHOUTY Daily Mail reader.
NO, Just Copied & Pasted.....Carry On Reading the Sunday Post !!

copied and pasted from the Daily Mail website then
NO, From Facebook Messenger O.K. !!
OMG! It gets worse!
Don't be Jealous If You've Got NO Friends Tam,After all YOU Are Scottish !! :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 8, 2022, 11:33 am


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 9, 2022, 10:52 pm

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply
to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,
and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 10, 2022, 7:35 pm

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Moral:
Never Bulla Shita your Mama.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 11, 2022, 11:01 am

40 Gypsies arrived at heavens gates
St Peter said "we only have room for 12,so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in".
Five minutes later St Peter says to God "They've Gone".
God says "what all 40 of them !?"
St. Peter says, "No ... the fooking gates !!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 13, 2022, 12:20 pm

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
scroll down
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 13, 2022, 12:32 pm

Oh Dear !!................A lawyer representing a wealthy art dealer called him and said “Saul, I have good and bad news for you”
The art dealer replied, “I’ve had a terrible day, give me the good news first.”
“Well”, he said, “ I met with your wife yesterday and she told me she had bought two pictures for $5000 and she thinks they might be worth $5 - 10 million !”
“Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very smart businesswoman too!” said the art dealer. “What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer replied, “the pictures are of you banging your secretary”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 13, 2022, 1:55 pm


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 16, 2022, 8:01 pm


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 18, 2022, 10:46 am

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