Consolidated Joke Thread

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tinpeeba
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » March 29, 2020, 2:45 pm

How to tell the time by holding a donkeys balls




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tamada
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » March 29, 2020, 7:54 pm

747man wrote:
March 17, 2020, 12:06 pm
Drunk Monkey wrote:
March 17, 2020, 10:52 am
747man wrote:
March 17, 2020, 10:45 am
Drunk Monkey wrote:
March 16, 2020, 11:54 pm
747man wrote:
March 16, 2020, 4:33 pm
I’ve heard a rumour that due to the recent toilet roll shortage, people are using lettuce leaves instead.

This is only the tip of the iceberg!
=D> =D> :lol: :lol: QuaLITY of the highest order Alan ,, thankyou
Jon, It Just might KEEP you Smiling :-" :-" :-"
I love your posts on this thread mate , youve made me laugh out loud many times ..not forgetting when you turned up at Chern Chim many years back in those Lilac shorts and the big Everton badge on the back of your SUV..

Keep the jokes coming Alan

DM
No I Didn't The Lilac Shorts were Worn at you're other place by The Airport....I Saw how jealous YOU Were,Because You're Legs hadn't seen the Sun since you was in Junior School In Yer SHORT Kecks & Were as White as a Virgins Knickers.... :oops: :oops: But Yeah,You did see the BIG Everton Badge at CC & It's STILL On the back of the 4x4 to this day,Best 500 Baht I Ever spent.." Once A Blue Always A Blue " [-X [-X [-X
Wow! 500 baht? That's bloody cheap for a 4x4.

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 8, 2020, 7:34 am

Wet Wet Wet singer Marti Pellow diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » April 8, 2020, 12:16 pm

This could probably go in the Covid Humour thread, but then it would get lost with all the non-Covid junk over there. :-"

And finally...It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.

A local Bra Shop has gone bust.
A Mining Company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A Dog Kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An Ariel Installation company has called in the receivers.
A Key Company has gone into lockdown.
A Watchsmith has wound down and called time.
An Iceland store has had its assets frozen.
A Shoe Factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
And finally the AA Recovery Service are on their way to a breakdown.

That's all from me and.......

Ronald William George Barker, OBE
25 September 1929 – 3 October 2005.

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 10, 2020, 1:58 am

Wet Wet Wet singer Marti Pellow diagnosed with arthritis.

He told reporters “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes”

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 11, 2020, 1:34 pm

One of my neighbours got the Covid-19 and has been put on the new Dyson Ventilator
The doctor said he’s now picking up nicely 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 13, 2020, 12:16 am

I saw a group of 'Covidiots' in town.

There they were; not shopping or exercising, just laughing and joking together, flouting the 2 metre rule.

I went up and gave them a piece of my mind.

They arrested me.

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 19, 2020, 10:08 am

As we enter the next 3 weeks of lock down here is a summary of the advice:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the Doctors or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects

11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)

13. You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted

25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music.

27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under.

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » April 19, 2020, 12:10 pm

28 We must finish this football season, even if we have to do it next season

29 You can go for a run or bike ride, but no more than 2km from your house and back, except if your running 5km and requesting 5 friends to break the 2+2 = 4km rule also

30 It is imperative that those over 70 years of age self isolate in their homes away from family and friends for a period of 13 weeks, except if you are a 99 year old who we can then provide half of the 1st Batt Yorkshire reg to come and stand in your garden for a photo op

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vidmaster
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Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 22, 2020, 7:35 pm

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 24, 2020, 9:24 pm

Is this clapping thing the same as or different from having the clap?

I saw Charlie clapping today.

Has he still got the virus, or does he now have the clap?

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » April 24, 2020, 10:25 pm

Hope for his sake he follows Pata's example and has separate bedrooms

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 25, 2020, 3:03 pm

EWXtQLXVAAAAbGE.jpg

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 26, 2020, 7:57 pm

My sexy Chinese neighbour popped round for a cup of tea and a chat.

I'd stripped myself bare naked in front of her before I realised she'd said she wanted to get a good lodger in.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 1, 2020, 11:05 am

89494657_2633372493575310_3906253166366162944_n.jpg

jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » May 23, 2020, 12:32 pm

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a humongous parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.

MILLIONS lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.

Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.

It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!

Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!

By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was CLOSED".

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trekkertony
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by trekkertony » May 25, 2020, 1:37 am

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Doodoo » May 26, 2020, 5:11 pm

On our Daily Walk we always find our way passing a local Mental Hospital with a high high wooden fence surrounding it
One thing that we noticed was the cry from the other side of the fence "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen"
Everyday no matter what time we passed "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen"
One day I stopped my walking partner and noted a hole in the fence I said "I. am going to have a look for sure to see why they are repeatedly yelling "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen""
I bent over looking through the hole in the fence and suddenly felt the sharpest pain to my eye after a stick had been drivien into it. The cry soon changed to "Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen"

Moral??????

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GT93
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » June 3, 2020, 5:26 pm

Image

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 3, 2020, 6:22 pm

It's imperative that something is done immediately to repair the Great Barrier Reef

Too my Aussies are still escaping

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