Consolidated Joke Thread

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 4, 2020, 6:27 am

OMG
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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 9, 2020, 10:21 pm

Only 23% of Liverpool fans live in the city ................. the rest are on remand all over the country

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 13, 2020, 9:12 am

1592014270193.jpg

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 13, 2020, 2:56 pm

Chuchi wrote:
June 13, 2020, 9:12 am
1592014270193.jpg
possibly (being Alf) some scousse git forgetting that her majesty (bless her) is celebrating her birthday for the 162nd time today :-"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vincemunday » June 13, 2020, 5:00 pm

Will mean more to the English among us.
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The forest was shrinking daily but the trees kept voting for the axe as its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 14, 2020, 7:34 pm

1592138013722.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 14, 2020, 7:35 pm

1592138008849.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 15, 2020, 1:46 pm

A husband and wife walk into a bar. There is a loud drunken man trying to sing in one corner. The Wife says "Look at that man, I know him, and to think 20 years ago we were engaged to be married, but I left him.

"Looks like he is still celebrating" was my reply................

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 15, 2020, 8:10 pm

We had painters in fella was an ex pilot did a fantastic job of landing

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by goodison » June 16, 2020, 6:33 am

He wasn't on "Auto" then Alan?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » June 19, 2020, 10:43 pm

22 year old new bride was sitting with an older Georgia woman on the veranda sipping mint juleps

Old woman: dahlin, On my 5th anniversary my husband bought me this beautiful ring.

Young bride: well, how nice!

Old woman: for my 20th anniversary, my husband bought me my beautiful Roll Royce.

Young bride: well, how nice.

Old woman: for my 35th anniversary, my husband bought me this beautiful horse farm.

Young bride: well, how nice.

Old woman: Why, darling, you’re so charming, whatever has your new husband bought for you?

Young bride: well, for our first anniversary my husband bought me charm school lessons.

Old woman: oh, my dahlin, whatevah for?

Young bride: well, I used to have a terrible problem with saying, “well, **** you”, but they taught me to say, “well, how nice!”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 20, 2020, 1:21 pm

104609052_10222541138535402_1845410306812354808_n.jpg

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karonsteve
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by karonsteve » June 20, 2020, 7:26 pm

A clap for Dame Vera has been announced but no one knows where or when.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » June 20, 2020, 7:47 pm

Hopefully Boris is not in charge of organising it.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 22, 2020, 1:09 pm

Things I think about late at night.....
Why does boiling water make eggs go hard but pasta go soft?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 24, 2020, 8:11 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fogeyes » July 2, 2020, 2:45 pm

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » July 8, 2020, 8:43 pm

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 8, 2020, 11:55 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » July 16, 2020, 9:50 pm

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

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