Am I a cad?

Long distance relationships, mixed relationships etc...
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BarnicaleBob
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Am I a cad?

Post by BarnicaleBob » October 28, 2009, 7:43 am

I have been planning my retirement to Thailand for nearly 6 months now and will be arriving in mid January on a retirement visa (I meet the qualifications and have the required documentation so I am assuming it will be approved).
From the beginning I have been searching some of the Thai dating websites (I know most or you disapprove of those sites, skip it what’s done is done). I few months ago after several months of talking to numerous ladies, I picked one that seemed to meet my expectations and who seemed to really click well with me. We have exchanged photos, chatted extensively over the internet and for the last month and a half we have been video conferencing several hours a day. We have decided to inter into an exclusive boyfriend girlfriend relationship and all seems very good. She never has asked for money and has in fact spent some money on me mailing me copies of her documents to assist me in my application for a retirement visa. I already feel like part of her family and feel very confident in her being totally honest with me. She is a sweetheart of a lady that I will have no problem having a life long partnership with.
Here is where my question to you all comes into play. I just recently found out that I will not need to rent or buy a house when I arrive because she already has a 3 bedroom 2 bath home, with two rooms that are air-conditioned that is all paid for. She has also just informed me she already owns a car that is paid for as well. As it turns out she was married to a farang who had purchased the house and car for her and then died in an auto accident 3 years ago. I really like this lady and I feel she truly likes me.
My question is I kind of feel like a cad walking into this setup and I want to know if this is going to have any negative effect on my blending in with the farang community?



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arjay
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by arjay » October 28, 2009, 7:57 am

No you're not being a cad Bill. Though you still need to be careful.

She may be genuine, or she may be winding you in slowly. She'll no doubt be wanting something in return, even if she is genuine.

She'll be looking for some "input" from you, somewhere along the way..make sure you have an exit route/escape plan prepared just in case!! ;)

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SanukJoe
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by SanukJoe » October 28, 2009, 8:08 am

As you never met her in person and not lived with her you should start slowly. Tell her you don't want to rush things and slowly integrate into your new life, that is Thailand, with or without her.
Keep an "independent" way open without disturbing the on line relationship you have.
Wait for surprises to come (she didn't tell you about her marriage although there is nothing wrong with a previous marriage) and she might not have told you other things. Just wait and see, if no unpleasant surprises all seems to be ok.

All the best, enjoy your new life.
Joe

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trubrit
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by trubrit » October 28, 2009, 8:13 am

I think you might be surprised by how many farang are living in the wife or her families house , especially in the villages. It is normally expected that you carry out some improvements though , so as Arjay said, be careful. You don't want to be remembered as the guy that paid for the new roof . :lol: :-"

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virginprune
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by virginprune » October 28, 2009, 8:38 am

trubrit wrote:I think you might be surprised by how many farang are living in the wife or her families house , especially in the villages. It is normally expected that you carry out some improvements though , so as Arjay said, be careful. You don't want to be remembered as the guy that paid for the new roof . :lol: :-"
I would say that appears similar to my situation.....when I'm there...so far have only gone for the new bed, could this be the start of the slippery slope...in more ways than one :lol:

laphanphon

Re: Am I a cad?

Post by laphanphon » October 28, 2009, 11:10 am

this is going to have any negative effect on my blending in with the farang community?
yes it will, i see a lot of 'envy' building towards you. why couldn't i find a chickie already set up nicely and self sufficient........you cad. good luck, sounds good, and take it slow, as you would any new relationship, enjoy, damn lucky b****d. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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docta
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by docta » October 28, 2009, 1:27 pm

BarnicaleBob,

You've been out to Sea too long, these internet gals aren't looking for love, they're looking for money, your money, any guys money, and remember you're taking on her entire family, as well.
If she hooks you, she's caught the big fish.

Make the move, take your time, and do like the rest of us, find some nice gal in a department store. Haaaaaaa

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Khun Paul
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by Khun Paul » October 28, 2009, 7:14 pm

No matter what the doom and gloom boys say, if and it is a BIG IF, this lady wants for nothing, give nothing, offer little and see what then occurs, whatever you decide ensure its loss will not affect you.

There could be an angle she is working on you do not forsee, so before the ulimate decision is made make full and frank enquires, many of us have been here for a few years we may well haveknown her dear departed chap, but unable to pass info with no ID of him.
Step carefully is the watchword and every time you say yes to anything keep fingers crossed.
Hope it will be alright, but one nevers knows, lying is an art form here.

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BarnicaleBob
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BarnicaleBob » October 28, 2009, 10:45 pm

Thank you all for your feedback on this matter. Each of you have made some good points and I will be aware of these concerns as my relationship develops. In answer to the questions and concerns that some of you have made, here is a little more information:
She lives alone, her parents live over 600 kilometers away and she only visits them once a year. She only has one child who is now grown up and has been living on her own for two years. I have seen photos, many many photos of her home and it appears to be as she stated less than five years old and in good condition. She told me there are no repairs that need to be made and that I would be living with her for free if I took care of all the bills such as insurance, electric, cable, internet (which she currently has with a computer), auto expenses (gas and repairs as needed), food and clothing as needed.
My thoughts on this are that I will have no major investment, if I were renting a house I would be paying from 4,000 to 10,000 baht a month on that plus all the above. So if other hidden expenses come up, I would not really have much of a loss as long as they were the same or less than what I would be paying for rent. With all this in mind, if she turns out to be an unacceptable match for me, my retirement income is above 100,000 baht a month, I have spent a year in Thailand before, speak enough Thai to get by, and I could walk way anytime, get my own place and start looking for someone else.
However, I have a good feeling that she is being open with me, she is a woman in her 40s (although see appears younger) and I know she must be worried about her security in her old age which I’m sure she sees as getting closer every day. So I think she wants what I want, a companion to trust in and be with until the end days come.
Thanks you for your input and sound advice, it has helped a lot. My fingers are crossed in hopes that my feelings are correct.

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BobHelm
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BobHelm » October 29, 2009, 9:40 am

I think your have zero to lose by going and living with this lady Bob.
As you say your expenditure is no higher than if you were here alone (& probably less as you are not paying from a room or house).
You have time to get to know the lady in a hassle free environment & see if you both 'click' - I am sure she will be doing the same to you at the same time!! :D
I wish you both all the best, but you have little to lose & a lot to gain by 'going for it'!!

laphanphon

Re: Am I a cad?

Post by laphanphon » October 29, 2009, 10:50 am

She lives alone, her parents live over 600 kilometers away and she only visits them once a year. She only has one child who is now grown up and has been living on her own for two years

geez, i didn't thnk it could get any better..........but it does, basically, unless intrusive friends, no outside influences, which is a major part of many relationship problems................good luck, can't see a negative anywhere. =D> =D>

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BKKSTAN
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BKKSTAN » October 29, 2009, 2:57 pm

Bob,you like how she sounds on the net!She likes how you sound on the net!You don't even know each other!your plans should be tentative at best,depending on how you feel about each other while spending time together!Take it slow!If she is for real,there will be NO ''I love you's'' until you have been together for awhile!

If you are having feelings of ''love'' now,you are the type of person that will be easily scammed if there is a scam in the works,but worse than that you might set yourself up by having an inability to set boundaries or say no initially.

Good luck!I think a woman that has been a good wife in a relationship with another falang that died,has great potential!

It would be a lucky man indeed,if he had the opportunity to marry my wife on my demise!!

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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by bumper » October 29, 2009, 8:42 pm

Well seldom there is gain in life without risk. Cad no.

vlad
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by vlad » October 30, 2009, 12:40 am

Do we have a Fresher in the WBU seems old barnicle bill here is new bait on the hook. Specially from thai love links.
I think you guy's on the map should introduce him as a ist year enrolment student.

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rick
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by rick » October 30, 2009, 2:30 am

Vlad, your such a cynic.
Apart from the obvious of wait and see what she asks for, Bob has every opportunity to have a taste of Thai life without any obvious 'need' to shell out for major expense. I have met a few internet friends in Udon and only one ever asked me for money (if you accept paying for meals is your responsibility, not hers). Also know a woman in a somewhat similar situation to Bobs woman (not exactly the same, but some similarity) and very honest. If i thought any of you were good enough for her, might give you her number!

Yes, women can change. Especially caucasian's in the West! Otherwise most of us would not be in Thailand anyway.

Eyes open, do not let your heart get carried away to quick, keep the tap on the checkbook down to a trickle.

bumper
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by bumper » October 30, 2009, 6:09 am

Ya it does happen a widow here hooked up with a guy who is still working owned her on house. He pays for expense that's it. She goes and visits him for months at a time when he is working. So it does happen and they are very happy. They are both great people both friends of ours so we were elated when this happened.

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Paul
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by Paul » October 30, 2009, 7:36 am

Look at it from her point of view. she is a widow getting on in life and up with competition from much younger and cuter girls. She (perhaps) hasn't considered sitting in a bar trying to find a new man, but has met someone on the net, chatted to him, been (apparently) very honest with him, told him she doesn't want anything from him - except the normal 'support' that any woman can expect (bills, repairs etc).
So far she has asked for nothing.

I too see no negatives so far apart from the posters apparent guilt.

There is no need for guilt, if you have the financial means to continue with your retirement plans then what are you going to lose if it doesn't work out )except a few nights of depression?

I would say continue planning and keeping in control of the situation and give it a go - you might well find that your instincts are correct - despite the cynics.

The very best of luck to you

PS. I assume she is from Udon - you only said "Thailand"

Keep us posted :)

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BarnicaleBob
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BarnicaleBob » November 23, 2009, 3:51 am

I would like to thank all of you for the information and support you have given me on this forum and on this subject. I have sold everything I own and I will be arriving in Thailand on Dec. 10, 2009 with my suitcases packed with all the things I own and my Thai one year multiple entry visa in hand.
Like I said from the beginning, this move to Thailand was going to always happen with or without a TGF waiting for me. As it happens my relationship with the TGF I have been talking about when I started this subject is still going strong and so far all she has told me has proven to be true.
My only disappointment is that my TGF lives in Chiang Mai and not Udon which was the area I had thought would best suit me. However, Chiang Mai was my second pick and the fact that she is there with a house, car and income of her own will make it worth the change.
I do wish I could find a forum as active and good as this one that is in Chiang Mai, It would be more like being with my friends.
I plan on traveling around Thailand a lot during my first year and Udon is at the top of my list of places to visit. I look forward to stopping in at some of the many places I have read about here such as the Englishman's Retreat, Sabai Sabai Fishing Park, The Book House & Coffee Shop, Chern Chim Quality Foods, and all those other interesting places that so many of you speak of. This forum has been one of the greatest tools to prepare me for my move and I am so thankful to have found it.

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BKKSTAN
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BKKSTAN » November 23, 2009, 9:17 am

Best of luck BB,sounds like ,you have a good relationship possibilty which is probably the most important concern for you to focus on!It will probably effect your life more than the expat relationships you will have,wherever you wind up living!

That being said,if the situation with her family and her,is relatively positive in her area,you would do well to stay there,IMO!

You will find members of the expat community there to share with!

Very intimate close friends are few and far between in life anyway!Friendly relationships with other expats of similar familiar culture are not that hard to find,as we ''need'' each other to integrate easier into life here and have some familiarity in our lives,such as understandable communication ,jokes ,similar or familiar background talks and Worldly oriented conversations versus the opposite with Thais ,in general!

The forum is always available to you anyway,your relationship with her is probably the most important thing to focus on now.Hopefully it will be fruitful and a positive situation,but if not,Udon will always be here,available for a transition situation if needed !

Since you have ''sold the farm'',it is imperative that you take it slow and easy,pay attention and not be to assuming!

Wish you all the luck necessary as you make your ''move''! :D :D

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BarnicaleBob
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Re: Am I a cad?

Post by BarnicaleBob » December 14, 2009, 2:54 pm

I have arrived in Thailand and I am very pleased to say my TGF has turned out to be everything she said she was. I have been here almost a week now and I am beginning to settle in. The house is great and I am enjoying sitting on the front porch by the Koi pond for my meals and occasional internet use. I will be getting my yellow house book by the end of the week and then I plan on getting a Thai drivers license.
The expat who lives next door was the best friend of my TGF's now dead husband. He seems OK with me being with his old mates wife and I guess I do not need to worry so much about being a cad after all.
Again thank you one and all for your input and support.

BB

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