When Thais Return Home from Falangland

Brian made a very interesting point in another thread about our daughter-in-law going back to Thailand to visit -- that she may be very disappointed because she will then be viewed the same as the "rich falang" just because she's now lived in falangland.

What do you think? What has been the experience of your Thai wives/girlfriends/relatives returning home to visit? What were the expectations of their families and friends upon their first visit home?

Our daughter-in-law's aunt has been in the U.S. (married to a former military serviceman) for over 30 years and no longer goes home. I've often wondered why.

I wouldn't like to make comment on a Thai moving from farangland back to Thailand on a permanent basis, but I do know that when we manage to get back to Thailand for a holiday, the rest of my wifes family seems to appear to see what sort of freebies are on offer during out stay...

Without a doubt, they do view my wife as being a very strong part of the families financial backbone, although she no longer sends money back over, we do make sure they get a few treats when we are about..

If you have a "freebies" problem..then I feel lucky.They ask for nothing

My wife hated the UK ( for the same reason as we avoid the farang in Thailand) ,so we decided our base was Thailand

To the OP question..we went back, she was welcomed and missed as a sister, and regarded as sort of rich. But no demands...Am I alone???

yorkman wrote:If you have a "freebies" problem..then I feel lucky.They ask for nothing

My wife hated the UK ( for the same reason as we avoid the farang in Thailand) ,so we decided our base was Thailand

To the OP question..we went back, she was welcomed and missed as a sister, and regarded as sort of rich. But no demands...Am I alone???

You soon will be You and your wife don't like the people in England, you are hoping to reside permanently in Udon(I assume) and you want to avoid contact with us farang residents of this friendly old town. Other than your"non demanding" wifes relatives, who will you talk to?
Incidentally. What are you using , a mainly farang forum for?

Likewise can't speak for long term absent thai's who may be more falang than thai.
We go back to Thailand and Udon 1 or 2 times a year. Nothing is asked for or expected. Probably because thai girl is still very much thai, and her family is well heeled by thai standards anyhow. We do however spend a good sum for quality gifts that family members would not or can not buy in Thailand. Perhaps that is why everyone turns up for the Udon welcome back home , but I know it is more so that they are just happy to see Thai girl back among them for a while . We pay for most of the meals out (mostly the more expensive bills but the least expensive meals other family members like to pay the bill) as we visit each family member, but that is no big deal as accomadation and vehicles are always offered to us.

Can appreciate and understand however that if you have very little then the expectation would be there. I grew up in a dirt poor family and when family who were rich (when you are bloody poor, rich can be seen as having enough to buy pork chops instead of mince) turned up, made sure I was near the front of the cue for any goodies going - even a pair of new undies that were not my brothers hand me downs were a luxury.

When I first visited Thailand and knew no one but the two Thai ladies who had invited me, two of the ladies in the small group who met me at the Udon airport were each married to Dutchmen in a twin ceremony, and consequently they were close--the husbands were evidently partners in a business.

One of these ladies could speak some English, owned a car, and had an international driver's licence. The other knew no English. This was in early 2003. Well, the latter lady got her visa to join her husband. Yet, the first lady has still to be granted a visa, but has long since given up grieving about it, I think. It tore her apart initially when she was denied, and yet her friend was permitted.

Well, it seems that the friend originated some slander regarding the poor gal stranded here, suggesting to folks whom they knew in common that she--the unfortunate wife left behind--was well off somehow because of her husband. The fallout of that was that she was approached by several "friends" who wanted to borrow money that she of course never had, and one of these people is apparently someone I had met and gotten to know--she never would tell me who it is.

Now, the whole reason that she was denied a visa was because the Dutch government determined that her husband was unable to afford the support of a wife. The judgment has been steadily contested since, of course, and I understand that she is very hopeful of possibly finally being granted her visa this year. But her friendship with the lady in Holland died, of couse.

Anyway, it's just peculiar how perceptions can be distorted, from many points of view. I guess that it is not even necessary to leave Thailand for a Thai wife to suddenly acquire the status of being wealthy. The logic of why she could not leave Thailand and has had to work in a low-level factory job to enhance herself and her financial background for visa purposes and the necessities of daily life for the past two years seems easily ignored by a few of her former friends.

This is not directed at any individual, just some thoughts.

First the operative word is no or Mai, Thai's have heard this before they don't get terribly upset by it. The second part of equation it would seem to me would be, kindness, courtesy and respect.

If you don't have money, then you don't have it most of us have been in that position at one time or another in our lives. But if you do will it harm you to present some well thought out gifts for the family or a little financial aid if it is appropriate For me it is not appropriate if it is just a gift with no paticular need or goal in mind. So will it enhance thier lives on a long term basis and give them an opportunity and will they follow up on it. Then I will give. If I have it to give.

There is something I think everyone has to accept we are generally rich by Thai standards, they base thier thoughts on what they see and what they don't see, the everyday lives we lead in our home countries and the costs involved

So if your wife can not say no and handle the pressures of not only the immediate family but cousin for miles wanted access to her fortune in thier eyes. It might be difficult for her. But never forget if she was without a penny to her name the entire family would come together and she could live at home along with her children and maybe even you, totaly free.

Now there are Thai families right here in Udon that could buy what I have ten times a day if they wished, and no I wouldn't help them nor would they ask as a general rule.

It is very true that some Thai familes are abusive when it comes to money and farrangs, there are others that are not. It is only human nature on our part to only see the bad and not the good.

You need to search you own heart and the family situtation you are in to answer your own question. What a shame it would be not only fo your wife not to see her family, but for you to not experience what is truly here, over money, when all you and your wife have to do is say no, would be real shame. But your wife might not be able to do that.

I have read this thread very carefully before posting. Gulf Coast I must say thank you for starting it. I think you came close to what I was getting at more than anyone here.

I did not mean gifts upon arrival. I am not talking about going out to eat. Heck our Issan family will take us out to eat, ride around in their car, etc. Heck I have even brought some of my family here from the states and all were housed and fed by our Issan family.

What I am talking about is some family member goes in debt due to credit cards, gambleing, or some such by there own hands. They would then call upon the falang to bail them out. I have done this once when part of the family land was involved but said no to the rest. Heck I have even fallen into the credit mess and no one but me helped me out so that is life. (By the way on the land it was during the Asian monetary crisis, lots of folks in Thailand had problems).

This is what I am talking about. Trying to wrangle money for someones on personal problems just because they have a connection to falangland. I agree with you siamfevernow you have to learn to say no. More important, you have to learn WHEN to say no.

WE are welcomed in my wifes home. There again I go back to one word. Respect. I think I earned it and now I get it. I did not buy it. That is why some of the girls do not come back GulfCoast is either they feel they must buy respect or are asked to bail out personal problems which they should have never been ask to in the first place.

Brian

Am I alone???

No John,in seven years the relatives here have asked for nothing.If we go out for a meal we take it in turns to pay.Seen many a farang pay for absolutely everything,every time they step out of the house.Normally it's the ones who speak no Thai and are oblivious to those around them talking qbout how many Baht they can extract.The farang wander for shop to restaurant to shop with the family walking behind waiting for the next handout.The wife calls them "khon cor tarn",donation seekers.

As for coming back,often they are reluctant as those here have debts that the "ATM dern" will sort out.Too much stress for the Thai wife in the middle so they don't come back.

[quote="BangkokButcher"]I wouldn't like to make comment on a Thai moving from farangland back to Thailand on a permanent basis, but I do know that when we manage to get back to Thailand for a holiday, the rest of my wifes family seems to appear to see what sort of freebies are on offer during out stay...

Same with us

Tony

right on Marus. I hate to say it but if you treat folks as folks and not I will pay today, you will garner a bit of respect. You know in the states I once (thought ) had a friend, until I figured he wanted the free meal I was willing to pay for. Once I told him it was his turn, I saw less and less of him. He was not Thai. It is the same everywhere.

The dunning of Farang's and returning Thai wives by their families for money seems to be a common topic of conversation for Farang married to Thais. I'd have to say that it purely depends on the family your married into and that the "grasping for money" has nothing to due with class, background, or age but merely with how some folks behave.
My TW wife and I came back working in this area in 97 and have been here ever since. My wife had been gone since 76 and came back only twice to visit in 80 and 89. She maintained little contact with her step-sister (her only living relative) for fear of being dunned for money.
When we arrived out of the blue in Udon in Oct. 97, there was zero grasping for money by her step-sister who had a family of 8 with 5 kids (oldest 36/youngest 15) living at home. As time progressed and we visited more often, her step-sister made only a couple of very calculated requests for financial assitance. One was for us to pay half (20,000) for a walk behind Kubota tractor. My wife went to the dealer and priced it with our brother-in-law and indeed it was around 40K baht. We gave them the money.. The other was to buy the trailer kit for the tractor 7500Baht.
As the years went by we certainly did our share of money-giving at Bpee-Mai, Songkran, and special occassions but nothing overboard. Out of the family of 10 (mother/father and 8 offspring) and extended family of 5 spouses and 6 grand-neices and nephews, we have never again been asked for money in going on 9 years.
Our only other significant giving has been at two weddings (neice/nephew) and our youngest neice's college education. With respect to that, she never asked for a satang. When she was finishing her Freshman year of college we asked her how it was being paid for.. She responded that she'd borrowed the money (37K Baht per year) from the Thai Government at a very very low rate of interest. I looked at her, glanced at her mother and father and asked, "what's the security for the loan??" She responded, "oh, my Dad's land.." My wife and I discussed the probability that our neice might possibly not pay the loan back and the ramifications of a land loss to a family with mud between their toes and we, and we alone, decided that we'd pay off the loan and pay the tuition..
Mind you, this large extended family range from a senior monk, to a security guard (Thai middle class) for TPI, to factory workers, but basically are Isaan farmers with not much cash..
It sometimes astonishes me to hear how some Farang married to Thais, particularly those who've "come back" get dunned continuously for money.. We've been fortunate to have relatives that don't go that route...

Once I got my Lao wife to Germany on my military spouse visa, we started on her US visa as we knew the Consulate in Frankfurt was a viper's nest. It took a year, and I was was a government employee on orders to return to the Pentagon. Homeland Security, no problem-nice people. The State Department and ICS-Draconian.
We spent one year in DC and I retired early to return here. The family in VTT expected nothing and got a lot. I have supported them with cash infusions from the start of our relationship and they have used them to send the kids to better schools. No wasted money, very good investments. The two that drink get nothing. The three that go to school get good phones, good motorbikes and tuition/school money. As I have told them, these are not gifts. I am investing in your proofessional future so you will make money and take care of me when I get old. I won't invest in anyone who has no future.
My wife is just finishing school in Udon and we will return to VTT soon. I am looking for a shop house to buy there so she can open a salon, her sister a cafe, my niece an internet shop (she is in the university and doing very well) and me a small gym. I am fortunate to have responsible, respectable Lao family members who never ask for a thing and are very grateful with the small amount i can give them.
We had a big party for all the extended family members when we returned and it was made very clear that we were not rich and were not the family ATM. We have volunteered to pay medical bills.
So far, I have been very luckly.

Well I'm seeing it first hand right now, with someone who is close to me, He and I seem to be doing OK, but the wives now that is a very different story.

They built a very beautiful home in the village, shipped all the furniture from the states really nice things. This guy is very particular about stuff, so now the relative children are not allowed in the house. I can see why they have no idea how to behave around expensive thing since they have never seen it. They were desiginated as the falilies baby sitters so they could go do whatever, the stopped that. The the give me part started he is trying to get his wife to back him up with no. I've told him that is not going to happen, be prepared to be the bad guy. I told him not to do what he did especially with this famliy, but he knew mn more then I since he had thre vacation here, even referred him to this forum. So he is a mess of his own making.

He ha money to do all thi but that was it and if he is frugal can make until his retirement starts, if not he will be back to work somewhere.

Now we get to the part that I don't understand the disrespect on his wifes part to my wife. I four meeting she has never spoken one word to her, didn't even greet her the two times we went to thier house. I have never seen my wife get as angry about something a she has this and honestly I don't blame her one bit. I was ready to stop the relationship and she wouldn't let me.

I spoke to a long time friend here and he explained that sometimes ladies come back from the states and believe they have achieved the ultimate social status. I really hope that is not what I'm seeing but it certainly looks like it.

So there just could be more in this subject then how much money the family wants.

One thing about Thailand just when you think you've seen it all

Ray you penned it down with social status thing.I have watched this game played between wives/GF of expats continuosly!

The facts are that if they are not family or a least known each other their entire life,they are never ''friends''!The relationship is built around the fact that the social situation of the expat mates getting together or being friends and the gals are thrown together,so to speak!