Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[747man]

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the Postman man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day....

[747man]

Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70 !!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today,
she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead
and realised she was just on standby.


When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[747man]

[goodison]

recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”

[747man]

recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

[747man]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[vidmaster]

recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”

[747man]

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide...

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?

[Marcosteffano]

Englishman,American and Norwegian sat on corner drinking a chang.along comes Jesus.says to the Englishman what's your problem.well Jesus I only get a small amount of money from my government and can't work because of my bad knees and would love to get back to work.jesus leans over and touches his knees,hey presto he jumps up and is healed.jesus then turns to the American,what your problem? Well my hips need replacing and I want to get back to work.jesus does the same and he jumps up and shouts I'm cured,thank you my lord.next he turns to the Norwegian with a bad back and on 70,000b a month,what's your problem son to which he replies don't you bloody touch me.

[vidmaster]

Man at a funeral asks vicar for free wifi password
Vicar says you know this is your wife's funeral
Man : is that all lowercase and no spaces?

[TAXIfor7/11]

Joe Royle gets a letter delivered to his house ...
Opens it , it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Everton Football Club.
He rings the club "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for 22 years"

Bill Kenwright says " no Joe sorry there's no mistake, you were the last person in the trophy room in 1995 and you left the lights on"

[747man]

Joe Royle gets a letter delivered to his house ...
Opens it , it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Everton Football Club.
He rings the club "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for 22 years"

Bill Kenwright says " no Joe sorry there's no mistake, you were the last person in the trophy room in 1995 and you left the lights on"

555 !!! Very Funny.................NOT !!!

[vidmaster]

After 7 yrs medical school training a friend of mine was struck off for sleeping with one of his patients
I met him in a bar after his hearing and obviously he was devasted & irreconcilable
It's a great shame as he was the best vet we've ever had in our town

[boes]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please

don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came homelate that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Mex]

Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.”

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags

[vlad]

Breaking News Two Muslims have used a speedboat to Ram the Thames Barrier police are saying this is the start of Ram A Dam.

[Lionheart]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a


bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[stattointhailand]

45 million dollars found in a Nigerian flat. Seems the guy spent the last 15 years trying to give it away but nobody responded to his e mails

[stattointhailand]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is...... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.