Consolidated Joke Thread

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Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » July 24, 2017, 8:38 am

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every bloody one of them!

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate......

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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft sod !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what bloody hit it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England .



Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » July 24, 2017, 8:40 am

A Hell of a Day

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs
my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.” I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » July 24, 2017, 8:44 am

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Pete. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Pete listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Pete's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.

Pete raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element." Pete started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favour.

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice

I went for a 5 mile jog to feel good.

I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off.

I dressed in the 5th shirt I found.

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.

I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs.

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race.

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Pete. "Did your horse win??!?"

I frowned at Pete and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

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Nigglyb
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Re: Joke ( Naughty Words ) Removed !!!!

Post by Nigglyb » August 19, 2017, 2:33 pm

747man wrote:
August 19, 2017, 11:33 am
After landing my new job as a Tesco greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be f*****ng stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone f***** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
I'd have sacked you for saying "Good morning and welcome to Asda" when you were employed by Tesco but hey, I'm just a stickler for employer loyalty ;)
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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Nigglyb
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Nigglyb » August 19, 2017, 2:42 pm

Me: "I keep eating my feather pillow in my sleep. It's really starting to depress me"
Mrs N: "Down in the dumps?"
Me: "I dunno. I haven't been yet"
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » August 19, 2017, 8:27 pm

Nigglyb wrote:
August 19, 2017, 2:42 pm
Me: "I keep eating my feather pillow in my sleep. It's really starting to depress me"
Mrs N: "Down in the dumps?"
Me: "I dunno. I haven't been yet"
You Will Be when The " Mighty " Whites Get Beat Again...

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747man
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Re: Joke ( Naughty Words ) Removed !!!!

Post by 747man » August 19, 2017, 8:35 pm

Nigglyb wrote:
August 19, 2017, 2:33 pm
747man wrote:
August 19, 2017, 11:33 am
After landing my new job as a Tesco greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be f*****ng stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone f***** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
I'd have sacked you for saying "Good morning and welcome to Asda" when you were employed by Tesco but hey, I'm just a stickler for employer loyalty ;)
Just Seeing if You were Awake..... :shock: :shock: :shock:

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Nigglyb
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Nigglyb » August 19, 2017, 10:15 pm

747man wrote:
August 19, 2017, 8:27 pm
You Will Be when The " Mighty " Whites Get Beat Again...
Image
Wrong thread..................do pay attention at the back
Last edited by Nigglyb on August 20, 2017, 9:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

Faraday
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Faraday » August 20, 2017, 8:58 am

Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers.
Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use: "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.

:roll:

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » August 21, 2017, 11:42 am

DFqNT2rVwAMYhKa.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » August 21, 2017, 11:44 am

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goodison
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BREXIT

Post by goodison » October 7, 2017, 5:57 am

Won’t you join our Common Market? said the Spider to the Fly,
It really is a winner and the cost is not too high,
I know De Gaulle said “Non”, but he hadn’t got a clue,
We want you in, my friends and I, for we have plans for you.

You’ll have to pay a little more than we do, just for now,
As Herr Kohl said, and I agree, we need a new milch cow.
It’s just a continental term believe me, mon ami,
Like “Vive la France” or “Mad Anglais” or even “E.E.C.”

As to the rules, don’t worry friend, there’s really but a few,
You’ll find that we ignore them – but they all apply to you!
Give and share between us, that’s what it’s all about
You do all the giving, and we all share it out.

It’s very British, is it not, to help a friend in need?
You’ve done it twice in two World Wars, a fact we must concede,
So climb aboard the Market Train, don’t sit there on the side,
Your continental cousins want to take you for a ride. :lol:

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maxeboy
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Re: BREXIT

Post by maxeboy » October 7, 2017, 8:15 am

=D> =D> =D> =D>
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

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vincemunday
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Battle of Trafalger 2016

Post by vincemunday » October 7, 2017, 5:40 pm

Nelson and Hardy’s final conversation circa 2010

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' – What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the
rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to
engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your individual."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "Well in that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
The forest was shrinking daily but the trees kept voting for the axe as its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

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Nigglyb
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Nigglyb » October 7, 2017, 7:16 pm

My cousin was born without eyelids so the doctors used his foreskin to create some

He looks alright now, just a little cockeyed
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:01 pm

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:03 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:06 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:07 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:08 pm

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