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Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Daddy Long Legs
A young father in North Queensland watched his small daughter playing in the garden!
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was! Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes!
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground!
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention!
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating!
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating!' her father replied!
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs!' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked!
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied:
'No dear, Both of them are Daddy Longlegs!'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat!
'Well," she said, "that may be OK in Canberra, but we're not having any of that ---- in Townsville!"
A young father in North Queensland watched his small daughter playing in the garden!
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was! Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes!
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground!
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention!
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating!
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating!' her father replied!
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs!' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked!
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied:
'No dear, Both of them are Daddy Longlegs!'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat!
'Well," she said, "that may be OK in Canberra, but we're not having any of that ---- in Townsville!"
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
-A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
New definition for S.O.S.
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot; ' watch this ! '
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that ?
The C-130 pilot said; ' That was impressive; but watch this ! '
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
' What did you think of that ? '
Puzzled; the F-16 pilot asked; ' What the heck did you do ? '
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
' I stood up; stretched my legs; walked to the back;
Took a leak; then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. '
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !
When you get older & smarter -
Comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !
Us older folks understand this one; it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot; ' watch this ! '
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that ?
The C-130 pilot said; ' That was impressive; but watch this ! '
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
' What did you think of that ? '
Puzzled; the F-16 pilot asked; ' What the heck did you do ? '
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
' I stood up; stretched my legs; walked to the back;
Took a leak; then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. '
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !
When you get older & smarter -
Comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !
Us older folks understand this one; it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
- TAXIfor7/11
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
E V E R T O N
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
An Israeli tourist hails a taxi in New York
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bull*hit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bull*hit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and s*x at the same time?
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Mick and Paddy were on a plane.
Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'
Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.
Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'
Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"