Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 26, 2017, 5:42 pm

If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and s*x at the same time?



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:56 am

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:25 pm

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 3:15 pm

Mick and Paddy were on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'

Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 29, 2017, 1:15 am

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 29, 2017, 9:12 pm

Thought I would share with you what happened this morning.............................
Good deed done for the day - in the queue at Tesco express this morning there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £27 of shopping but her card got declined!
I was feeling generous, especially at this time of year...........
after all, that is someones gran................
so I helped her put it all back on the shelves...
every little helps

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Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by 747man » February 2, 2018, 7:31 pm

27751904_10216029433675110_5465874666371191740_n.jpg

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Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by stattointhailand » February 2, 2018, 9:50 pm

64b43e682dff9ed337cf4beb91bd71f1.jpg

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Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by Nigglyb » February 2, 2018, 9:57 pm

​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

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Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by stattointhailand » February 2, 2018, 10:18 pm

Nigglyb wrote:
February 2, 2018, 9:57 pm
​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same
Pretty similar to the man's I'll be back in 5 mins when he's going to fix the new blond neighbours pussy cat flap or the woman's I'll be back in 5 mins when she's at the hairdressers or out shopping with your daughter.

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Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by bluejets » February 3, 2018, 7:11 am

On a trip down to Bangkok a few years back, we decided to go for dinner at a street restaurant.
As it was a Friday night, getting a taxi was almost impossible, even on the main roads.
I had asked how far this restaurant was to which my wife had said " not far".
So I suggested we walk, which we had done before BUT all this did was get me a funny look and a stern "Noooo".
So my wife called her brother to pick us up.

I was amazed that we caught most of the traffic lights and those where we had to stop were only short periods.
Still, we drove, and drove, and drove.
It was almost an hour driving when we finally arrived. I said this is NOT "not far". this is in the next city.
I think her brother got it as he had a bit of a laugh.

On arriving back at my wife's home town, I pointed to the lake at the end of the road.
I said " see the lake? THAT is NOT FAR".

To this day when ever I mention it, I still get that vacant look.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Faraday » February 3, 2018, 9:30 am

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 7:59 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:01 pm

unnamed (1).jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:04 pm

A PRAYER FOR GRANDPA......................


Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:09 pm

unnamed (8).jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:11 pm

Dezzer...............You Might like this One......


*** BREAKING NEWS ***
EARTHQUAKE IN BOOTLE Near Liverpool.....

An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit BOOTLE in the early hours of this morning. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in BOOTLE. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Baseball caps
Full matching tracksuits
Nike Huarachi trainers
Tartan pyjamas
UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » February 5, 2018, 11:24 am

I opened a new online bank account and they needed a password with at least 8 characters
So I chose Snow White & 7 Dwarfs

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 5, 2018, 12:08 pm

Oh FFS!! Just my luck😭😭 just to let you all know, I've been admitted to hospital. Ive just gone and poisoned my self. I ate what I thought was a onion but it was a daffodil bulb.

They said I'll be out sometime in the spring!

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IRS Return.....

Post by 747man » February 8, 2018, 5:14 pm

27540497_1230230697110180_5325110014109061152_n.jpg

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