Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Dezzer...............You Might like this One......
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
EARTHQUAKE IN BOOTLE Near Liverpool.....
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit BOOTLE in the early hours of this morning. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in BOOTLE. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Baseball caps
Full matching tracksuits
Nike Huarachi trainers
Tartan pyjamas
UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
EARTHQUAKE IN BOOTLE Near Liverpool.....
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit BOOTLE in the early hours of this morning. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The local paper reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in BOOTLE. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Baseball caps
Full matching tracksuits
Nike Huarachi trainers
Tartan pyjamas
UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I opened a new online bank account and they needed a password with at least 8 characters
So I chose Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
So I chose Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Oh FFS!! Just my luck
just to let you all know, I've been admitted to hospital. Ive just gone and poisoned my self. I ate what I thought was a onion but it was a daffodil bulb.
They said I'll be out sometime in the spring!
just to let you all know, I've been admitted to hospital. Ive just gone and poisoned my self. I ate what I thought was a onion but it was a daffodil bulb.They said I'll be out sometime in the spring!
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Q: How many estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! The light bulb is in excellent working order and comprised of a beautiful retro teardrop illuminator, offering original glass and metal features and located very centrally in the middle of the room. Local amenities abound and the property is serviced by a newly refurbished power cord connecting it to the ceiling. Nearby is a tasteful power switch to enable the purchaser to switch it on and off. Leasehold with share of power supply with lovingly improved wattage by the current owners. Would suit professional couple or family looking for more light.
A: None! The light bulb is in excellent working order and comprised of a beautiful retro teardrop illuminator, offering original glass and metal features and located very centrally in the middle of the room. Local amenities abound and the property is serviced by a newly refurbished power cord connecting it to the ceiling. Nearby is a tasteful power switch to enable the purchaser to switch it on and off. Leasehold with share of power supply with lovingly improved wattage by the current owners. Would suit professional couple or family looking for more light.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Where's The JOKE Then ??stattointhailand wrote: ↑April 1, 2018, 3:04 pmQ: How many estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! The light bulb is in excellent working order and comprised of a beautiful retro teardrop illuminator, offering original glass and metal features and located very centrally in the middle of the room. Local amenities abound and the property is serviced by a newly refurbished power cord connecting it to the ceiling. Nearby is a tasteful power switch to enable the purchaser to switch it on and off. Leasehold with share of power supply with lovingly improved wattage by the current owners. Would suit professional couple or family looking for more light.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
HMRC( Taxman ) Inspector Knocks on Ken Dodd's Door a few years ago......
HMRC...Morning Mr Dodd,I Believe you have 60k in a shoebox under you're bed ??
Ken Dodd....Yeah That's Correct....
HMRC....Shocked,Can you show me it please ??
Ken....Sure,I'll go & get it..
HMRC..Can I count it ??
Ken...Yes You may...
HMRC...But There is 70k Here...
Ken...Oh ! Hang On I've brought the wrong Box down....!!!!!
Original Joke told by Ken in his shows !!!
HMRC...Morning Mr Dodd,I Believe you have 60k in a shoebox under you're bed ??
Ken Dodd....Yeah That's Correct....
HMRC....Shocked,Can you show me it please ??
Ken....Sure,I'll go & get it..
HMRC..Can I count it ??
Ken...Yes You may...
HMRC...But There is 70k Here...
Ken...Oh ! Hang On I've brought the wrong Box down....!!!!!
Original Joke told by Ken in his shows !!!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
For All the Deluded KOPITES !!!
- 29598408_892144577611841_6035937856467658320_n.jpg (21.32 KiB) Viewed 1384 times
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.
The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”.”
The third Catholic gent says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24″ waist and
34” hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,
“My God!
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.
The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”.”
The third Catholic gent says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24″ waist and
34” hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,
“My God!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A middle-aged married couple had three beautiful daughters but always they want to have a son.
Couple decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.
He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and answered:
‘No, not this time!’
Couple decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.
He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and answered:
‘No, not this time!’
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a male voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice tits, sister,” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Terrence, woke up after the annual office new year party with a hammering headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the last evening.
After a travel to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife Cara put some coffee in front of him.
“Cara,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” Cara said, her voice smelling scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” Terrence said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” Cara answered. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said Terrence.
Cara answered; “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
After a travel to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife Cara put some coffee in front of him.
“Cara,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” Cara said, her voice smelling scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” Terrence said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” Cara answered. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said Terrence.
Cara answered; “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs” … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs” … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some condoms.
She asks, ”What size please?”
”Good question,” he replies, ” I’m not sure,”
”Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three holes in it, stick your d*ck in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his d**k in the first hole. A woman walks past, see’s his d*ck and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, ”Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his d*ck in the second hole, another woman walks by, and gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his d*ck in the last hole, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to sh*g him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks ”What size then?”
“Forget the condoms,” says the man, “how much for the
fence?”
She asks, ”What size please?”
”Good question,” he replies, ” I’m not sure,”
”Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three holes in it, stick your d*ck in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his d**k in the first hole. A woman walks past, see’s his d*ck and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, ”Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his d*ck in the second hole, another woman walks by, and gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his d*ck in the last hole, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to sh*g him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks ”What size then?”
“Forget the condoms,” says the man, “how much for the
fence?”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of s.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous – tall, muscular, and had long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He tosses his shirt to her and whispers: “Iron this.”
=D> =D> 
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of s.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous – tall, muscular, and had long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He tosses his shirt to her and whispers: “Iron this.”
=D> =D> Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”
“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.”
At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.”
At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.
Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”
The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”
“Really? Can I make a wish?”
“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”
“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”
The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.
And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”
“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”
The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.
Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”
The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”
“Really? Can I make a wish?”
“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”
“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”
The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.
And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”
“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”
