Consolidated Joke Thread

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 3, 2018, 7:56 pm

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of s.x in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous – tall, muscular, and had long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He tosses his shirt to her and whispers: “Iron this.” ;) ;) =D> =D> [-( [-(



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 4, 2018, 7:43 pm

Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, “Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!”

His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?”

“Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 6, 2018, 3:47 pm

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.”

At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 8, 2018, 12:32 pm

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.

Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”

The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”

“Really? Can I make a wish?”

“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”

“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”

The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.

And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Barney » April 8, 2018, 3:58 pm

Some where in soi sampan
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » April 8, 2018, 4:23 pm

or alternately, when your ears have been deafened by so many years of constant noise :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 8, 2018, 5:50 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
April 8, 2018, 4:23 pm
or alternately, when your ears have been deafened by so many years of constant noise :lol:
Go & Live in The Boonies Then... :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 8, 2018, 7:43 pm

Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?”

The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.

In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”

His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”

The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 9, 2018, 2:30 pm

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says:

“You see that man over there?, He looks just like me!, I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.

“Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”

The second man turns around and says:

“Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”

“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.

“Me too! What street do you live on?”

“McCarthy street”,

The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”,

“162” the first man replies.

“Me too! What are your parent’s names?”

“Connor and Shannon”

The second man, almost dumbfounded says,

“Mine too! This is unbelievable!”

So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks:

“What’s new today?”

“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again as usual”.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 9, 2018, 6:06 pm

Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tough-looking blokes,
my mate quickly whispered to me Let's pretend we're the police.
Long story short, they kicked the Sh*t out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne!!.. :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 10, 2018, 5:19 pm

Blond Cops





A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 10, 2018, 5:49 pm

Forbidden Love




Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”

Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 10, 2018, 10:56 pm

To combat the recession, a budget airline has introduced a wave of new passenger charges:

Attendant: “Welcome aboard Cheapo Airlines, sir. May I see your ticket?”

Passenger: “Sure.”

Attendant: “You’re in seat 61C. That’ll be $5 please.”

Passenger: “What for?”

Attendant: “For telling you where to sit.”

Passenger: “But I already knew where to sit.”

Attendant: “Nevertheless we are now charging a seat-locater fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.”

Passenger: “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.”

Attendant: “Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?”

Passenger: “Okay, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this!”

Attendant: “Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?”

Passenger: “Yes, thank you.”

Attendant: “No problem. That will be $10, sir.”

Passenger: “What?”

Attendant: “The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.”

Passenger: “This is extortion. I won’t stand for it!”

Attendant: “Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But first I need that $10.”

Passenger: “No way!”

Attendant: “Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.”

Passenger: “Why not? Is he going to shoot me?”

Attendant: “No, but there’s a $50 air marshal hailing fee.”

Passenger: “Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I don’t believe this!”

Attendant: “Thank you for your co-operation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Passenger: “Yes, it’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?”

Attendant: “Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead fan slot.”

Passenger: “The airline is charging me for cabin air?”

Attendant: “Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs fifty cents.”

Passenger: “I don’t have any quarters. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Attendant: “Certainly, sir. Here you go.”

Passenger: “But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar!”

Attendant: “Yes, there’s a change-making fee of twenty-five cents.”

Passenger: “For crying out loud! Now all I have left is a lousy quarter! What the heck can I do with this?”

Attendant: “Hang onto it, sir. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 11, 2018, 2:50 pm

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s*xual tension?”

“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”

The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s*x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?”

“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 13, 2018, 1:08 pm

A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says :”Hey baby, want to have s.x?”

The nun says: “God no!”, so she gets off the bus angry.

When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him: “Hey man, you see that graveyard across the street?”

The hippie: “yeah I see it, what about it?”

“Well every Tuesday night at 8:30, the nun go’s to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have s.x with you, she’ll have too”;

The hippie replied: “sweet!”.

So, Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says: “I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have s.x with me!”

The nun: “Well… ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral”

So the nun and the hippie have and the hippie runs away and says: “Ha, ha I was actually the hippie” and the nun replied: “Ha, ha I’m actually the bus driver!”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:31 pm

Public boys school burns down so they are all ushered off to the local Catholic school.
Young nun walks in and catches them in a competition peeing up the wall in the toilets.
She then reports to the Mother Superior who asks " and what did you do"?
Young nun reports " I hit the roof".
Mother says" that's the way, don't let those public school mob put anything over on us".

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:38 pm

Randy and Mandy are from the poorest part of town and decide for a change to go window shopping late on Saturday night.
Mandy sees a hat in the first shop and says" wow, I'd really like to get that hat".
So Randy picks up a rock and hurls it through the window and says" there ya go Mandy".

Next shop, same thing only a purse this time.

Next shop is a beaut necklace to which Mandy says" .......hang on hang on " says Randy " what ...do you think I'm made of rocks"?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 14, 2018, 3:59 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian, He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "nah, Not Brian, He was a terrific athlete, He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died.

“I'm married to his widow."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 16, 2018, 2:28 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 19, 2018, 11:24 pm

Ah yah goes,3 rabbits having toasties,cheese&ham toasties,next day the same but the 3rd rabbit ham&egg toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit bacon toastie,next day same again 3rd rabbit sausage toastie,next day only 2 rabbits!!3rd rabbit died of mixamatoasties😂😂that’s class xx

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