Consolidated Joke Thread

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 21, 2018, 7:17 pm

Talk about coincidence;

BBC NEWS: "Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition"

Can't believe they all had the same name...



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 21, 2018, 7:18 pm

dezzer111 wrote:
June 21, 2018, 1:59 pm
747man wrote:
June 21, 2018, 11:46 am
DgI3gy7X0AEQBtN.jpg
Your is your's or mine, you're is you are or i am.
See i'm not dupid \:D/
But You're from Bloody Bootle...... :-" :-"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 21, 2018, 8:03 pm

Good deed done today, at Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £51.60 but when she counted out her change she had just under £50. She didn’t want me to help her bless her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » June 23, 2018, 2:15 pm

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little buggar on your knee."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 24, 2018, 4:23 pm

35925262_1777343335685752_2411349795667968000_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 11:35 am

Dgh2p_eWkAAchDU.jpg

It's OUR Year........AGAIN " Eh Dezz ??

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 2:58 pm

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 3:00 pm

The Japanese have done it again they have developed a camera with an amazing shutter speed. The shutter is so fast it can capture a photo of a woman with her mouth shut

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 3:02 pm

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...```

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 3:06 pm

So the other night this woman in her early fifties kept trying to pull me in a nightclub. She was hot but drunk, kept asking me back to her place. I mean 50 ain't bad for the figure she had. So after the 6th refusal she made a call on her mobile and when she hung up she said to me. "OK loverboy, I just phoned home and you're in for a treat, how do you fancy some dirty mother and daughter sex?"

Well ---- me, I didn't care if she was 60, if her daughter looked half as good as her I'm in. So I was dragging her to a taxi in seconds. We got to her house and walked into the hallway. She put the landing light on. And then I heard her shout up the stairs " Mum? You still up?"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 4:44 pm

A shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively,
"Um, hi. Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 4:47 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 4:48 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 4:50 pm

A cabbie and a priest died on the same day. The cabbie was just in front of the priest in line at St. Peter's desk.

Looking at him, St. Peter said, Oh I know who you are. You're that cabbie who used to drive so fast. You get that big mansion on Broadway. Here's your keys, off you go. Thanks! said the cabbie.

The priest is thinking to himself, if he got a mansion I'm going to get a palace.

St. Peter takes one look at him and recognizes him, saying, I know you, you're that priest who used to give those long boring sermons. You're getting that grungy studio over in the Mission.

The priest is shocked and says, I was your priest for 50 years, you gave a mansion to that crazy cabbie, and this is what I get?

Yes, says St. Peter. Because when you gave those long sermons, people fell asleep. But when he drove them to the airport, they prayed!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:28 pm

This guy walks into a bar and sees this hooker outside as he walks in. While enjoying his drink, he asks the bartender, "Hey, is the girl outside any good?"
"Yeah, she's the best"
So he walks up the the hooker. "Hey, hwo much for a hand job?"
"50 bucks"
"50 bucks for a handjob?"
The hooker points to a Porsche parked nearby. "see that car? I bought it with the money i get from handjobs. That's how good I am."
So he pays 50 and gets his best handjob ever.
Next day, "how much for a blowjob?"
"100 bucks"
"100 bucks for a blowjob"
She points to a Penthouse atop a building nearby. "see that Penthouse? I bought it with the money i got from blowjobs"
So he pays 100 and gets hsi best BJ ever.
Next day, "How much for some pussy?"
She points across the bay at Manhattan.
"No way," he says. "You bought Manhattan with...?"
"No," she says. "But I could make that money if I HAD a pussy!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:29 pm

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:31 pm

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:32 pm

Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says, "I'm dying for a shi*, but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with." Mick says, "Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy. "Well use that," replies Mick. So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with ---- all over his hands and clothes. Mick says, "What the f*ck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:34 pm

Young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 26, 2018, 5:45 pm

Essex girl in car crash says "i think i have concussion" paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up?" the girl replies "oh god, my fa*ny's paralysed too!

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