Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says, "I'm dying for a shi*, but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with." Mick says, "Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy. "Well use that," replies Mick. So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with ---- all over his hands and clothes. Mick says, "What the f*ck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Essex girl in car crash says "i think i have concussion" paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up?" the girl replies "oh god, my fa*ny's paralysed too!
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
****, can you pause for a breath 
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
If you insist.........
I see corduroy pillows are making headlines
I see corduroy pillows are making headlines
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Or......
Mrs N & I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more
Mrs N & I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY IN THAILAND
HANDLE EVERY SITUATION LIKE A DOG:
IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR HUMP IT, PISS ON IT
HANDLE EVERY SITUATION LIKE A DOG:
IF YOU CANT EAT IT OR HUMP IT, PISS ON IT
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gave her one
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Polish football fans on a rampage in Moscow. Police say over 300 cars have been washed, waxed and hoovered
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Oh dear, a real rib tickler there so falling back to type I see.
I’ll leave you with this little nugget.......
Fire brigade phones Bill Kenwright in the early hours of Sunday morning....
"Mr Kenwright sir, Goodison Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Bill.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the kitchen yet, sir"
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Knew THAT Would UPSET Yer.......Nigglyb wrote: ↑June 27, 2018, 8:18 pmOh dear, a real rib tickler there so falling back to type I see.
I’ll leave you with this little nugget.......
Fire brigade phones Bill Kenwright in the early hours of Sunday morning....
"Mr Kenwright sir, Goodison Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Bill.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the kitchen yet, sir"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Nope, I was just trying to put a bit of humour back into the thread. It is the Consolidated Jokes thread after all & you weren’t being funny.
At all..........
In fact ever.....
Must try harder .... C-
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup ! My phone is now completely..... Hans Free