I noticed on one thread guys talking about their daughters

[old-timer]

allows me to be a guide,a good listener and give support and comfort!

Are you sure that is welcomed or just another lecture your daughter has to go through. I'm not picking a fight because i've seen the size of you and I should think you would be a bit of a handful.

OT...........

[nkstan]

allows me to be a guide,a good listener and give support and comfort!

Are you sure that is welcomed or just another lecture your daughter has to go through. I'm not picking a fight because i've seen the size of you and I should think you would be a bit of a handful.

OT...........

Actually,it seems to me that you are!The facts are that nobody knows for sure about much of everything,although you seem to think you know quite a bit about many things,gathering from your posts,but i will just put it down to ''very opinionated'',something I know about for I can also wear that label.

But in this area,I think you are out of your element!You are making judgments without really knowing my daughter and her background,you are introducing parenting concepts that are ''Western'' at best,mostly derived from liberal movies,and IMO,the main reason for the poor moral fabric of many young people.

I have explained,in a general way,my failures and mistakes of the past and I have spoken about the great communication my daughter and I share!I am not an absentee father,but you are!I went back to University a got a degree as a Psychiatric Nurse when I was about your age now.I have worked with ''troubled teenagers'' in the capacity of a nurse and counselor.I have grown from my experiences and I practice those ''grown-up'' results in my parenting today!

What makes you think that you are qualified to challenge my parenting of my stepdaughter?

[KHONDAHM]

I wouldn't characterize those values as Liberal. I am probably as liberally progressive as they come. Rather than assigning such charged and subjective labels, I would prefer to think that differences are a matter of assigning responsibility. OT surrenders his parenting responsibilities to the child. Fine. My sister and I were raised that way and damned if I am not responsible. BUT I was raised that way and there is no way in blankety-blank-blank I would want the same for my children. My experience, my perspective. Clearly OT has his own, too. Good luck with that, OT.

[bumper]

Just a thought total freedom with no foundation of responsibility and the reality of wrong decisions. That seems very dangerous for the children. You can see examples of it everyday here. Children up to nine years old running out in the street, now that freedom. Kids running the heck out there 125"s no helmets, now that's freedom.

Unwanted pregnancy children allowed to exercise their free time any way they wish. Now that's freedom.

Is that what you mean OT?

You know it's the darndest thing I had three daughters never got an operating manual with any of them.

Personally I will go with Stan at least his daughter has a good idea of what can happen. At some point they will have to make their own decision's. Giving them a foundation for that certainly can't hurt.

[old-timer]

OT's not trying to say for one moment that anyones parenting skills are right or wrong. As for nkstans comment of me being an absentee father. You are quite right, although not by choice I have to still work for a living to support my family. I get back to my places as often as I can, both in the UK and Udon. My eldest daughter is in her early twentys and she has a great job and never had a teenage pregnancy, like some of you are suggesting would be inevitable without parent counciling. A kid with a decent family enviroment, an education, and healthy will need very little of their parents sticking their nose into all aspects of the kids childhood. I have my view on parenting and you guys have yours. My just 17 year old, eldest son will be taking his UK driving test shortly. I didn't need to give him a lecture about driving, although I sent enough money to get him through it. He'll pass first time.
OT does not use the same methods or parenting as you nkstan, but who's to say who's right and who's wrong? I think we all do our best.

OT...................

[KHONDAHM]

My sister had plenty of freedom and independence. "Halle Berry" attractive and someone all her friends wanted to be or be around. Two abortions (that I know of) before age 18. Our mother still doesn't know. Freedom and independence. Just sayin...

[jimboLV]

The end times must be near, I find myself agreeing with Khondahm again for the second time tonight. "Freedom and independence" is fine, but it has it's limits. There is a fine line between stultifying your kids so they end up rebelling and sneaking around behind your back, and allowing them to make choices, providing you have given them the right foundation for making those choices. I think the key is to KNOW what your kids are doing and to do that you have to establish trust on their part. For example they should be comfortable bringing their friends around to meet you without fear that you will embarrass them too badly. Of course you're going to embarrass them, you're an adult. But not over the top. But letting them run wild on their own is a recipe for disaster, especially today. Maybe OK 50 years ago, but definitely not in today's world.

[KHONDAHM]

@Jimbolv - End of times will truly be here when you can accept the empirical facts: Obama is the most effective President in our lifetimes.

Back to the thread -
I find myself guilty of holding a double standard. While my daughter will be lucky to have half the freedom of Rapunzel (I cut her hair myself, too), my son will be given more freedom as he grows. Heck no it is not fair, but that is the way it is in the KHONDAHM household, and I am The KHONDAHM.

Will he be riding motorbikes? NO. Will he be allowed to take the car keys and have some early evening fun with his friends? Maybe. Will he be allowed to ride the samlor pretty much anywhere except major roads? Sure. Will my daughter? She might get the samlor, but only for riding around the neighborhood. She will get her own car, but only when she is over 18 and away at university in some other country. Do I think my daughter will rebel? Perhaps, but she already knows the deal and why. She is my Precious and I am over-protective of the females in my life. But that is just me and my quirks learned from my own experiences growing up.

[tamada]

I dated a stunning black girl in Houston... I met her at a strip club but that's another story. She had rebelled against a father that had placed all sorts of restrictions on her and her sister 'for their own good' while allowing her kid brother all sorts of privileges and male freedoms. The girls got little in the way of incentives, rewards or even birthday gifts whereas the boy got the big gold chain, keys to the car, extended curfews, his own car and the like. In the end, the son knocked up his under-age girlfriend and abandoned a potentially sparkling football future to become fodder for the social security system. The stunning and talented daughter managed to get her teaching degree (no reward from dad... it was expected of her?) and managed despite our most earnest efforts not to get pregnant! She got a real good teaching job and quit 'the pole' and eventually quit Texas, moved to CA and is now part owner, along with her long-time lesbian girlfriend (go figure!) of a very successful realty business that focuses on providing for credible, hard working black or mixed-race couples. I recall her having a heated debate with an older back guy about donating to ones alma mater; where he took the stance that he didn't owe them anything versus her fervent desire to help the school improve for future generations. Maybe her father's gender-biased filial affection was the spur, maybe she was just intent on breaking the old mold (her Aunt had got her the job in the strip club) but I have yet to meet a similarly focused, educated and committed individual.

Back at Tamada house, I have found a memory stick from one of the stepdaughter's cellphones... not sure which one as there was a 'lost or stolen phone drama' a few weeks back and old phones were being dug out of cupboards for backup use. There's about half a dozen porno clips on this memory stick, nothing illegal but wondering if the cellphones for Christmas was such a good idea after all. The girls are 13 and 15.

[tamada]

Yes, that was Tata Young.

Who in their right mind would name their daughter after some agricultural pickup truck from India!

My daughter will be Navara!

[KHONDAHM]

Not sure why the word "black" is used so generously throughout your post as if it matters. Does it? Something about that is what happens to black guys/gals? I sure hope not because they/we certainly don't even make up the majority of the minority of folks engaged in activities you describe under circumstances you describe. Just ask Jerry Springer. It's just odd since I do not often see board members going out of their way to put an adjective in front of "girl" or "guy".

I still love your avatar, though!

[trubrit]

Yes, that was Tata Young.

Who in their right mind would name their daughter after some agricultural pickup truck from India!

My daughter will be Navara!

Help . I have just bought a new Toyota and its got pre_runner on the side .What am I in for?

[nkstan]

I think it was about age 13 when my daughter came home with a multiflap key holder with sex acts on each flap.We talked about where she got it.It seems one of the ''nice''girls at school had a bunch of them and gave them out to her group.I asked her if this type of ''stuff' was looked at and discussed by the girls at school very often?''Yes,but usually pictures on mobile phones!''
Last year,she told me about a video of two of her classmates having sex,that was going around the school She makes independent choices such as not getting close to that couple!

last year she was invited to a classmates' beach birthday party.Except for one other classmate,she didn't know the other people and they were all drinking and encouraging her to do the same,she called me to come get her!I praised her for her choice and for being so responsible!

Last week she went to a students house for their last class party.The parents at the house bought a lot of booze and encouraged the kids to party.My daughter came home early, inebriated,drank 5 spy's.She told me everyone was getting drunk and sick,so she had the girl she went with bring her home!I pointed out that was not the best thing to do,she should have called me to pick her up!

This is ''teenage stuff' that goes on in their life.I feel good that my daughter can talk with me about everything with me!

[augustus_777]

In thailand if you have white skin color define that you come from upper class family. Most of Thai man and Thai woman find the opposite sex who has white skin is attractive, and that's why most of Thai women use whitening cream. Or I bet, you provably see a lot of Thai woman put on some really white power on their face to make them look white lol, so they can be attracted to the man or gain their confident when they go out in the public.

[KHONDAHM]

The wife and I collude, collaborate, and conspire in positive ways. There are some things our daughter isn't gung-ho about telling me and there are some things she isn't gung-ho about telling my wife. But there is nothing that, as far as we can tell, she would ever keep from both of us. Mostly because if that were to ever happen, I would be disappointed and she knows how I feel about honesty and integrity amongst family. So she tells at least one of us because by doing so, I could not ever question her honesty. Works for us and I hope it continues into her teenage years when other people and influences become more a part of her daily life and she has to make increasingly difficult independent decisions.

I am sure if she were older and at the party with NKSTAN's daughter, they would have looked at each other like, "Nah...let's roll out", followed immediately by a call to me to come get her, followed immediately by the sound of my screeching samlor tires at the door (I would have blown by nkstan at the light with a Thai lazy "S" maneuver - Heheheh), followed immediately by a "Pop, I want [to go to Swenson's or to go shopping with my friend]". To which I would comply because she has known all her life that "good girls get good things". My Precious.

[KHONDAHM]

I think the issue of peer pressure (drinking, drugs, and sex specifically) is a subject that fathers don't often discuss enough so I'll take a stab at it. Not suggesting I am at all correct, but how I raise my kids is influenced primarily by my own experiences and observations - both good and bad.

Drinking - I intend to be the first drinking partner for both my kids. Now I don't drink alcohol at all, but I will for my kids. I intend to get them blasted. No holds barred. Buy one of everything in the liquor store so they will never wonder what anything "tastes" like later. 3-4 rounds of shots should have them puking all over the floor. Then I'll spin them around for a few moments and let them fall on their keester. If they can't get up, then that is where they will sleep (all this will NOT be at a bar, mind you). I or the wife will be taking videos and embarrassing prank pictures the whole time. Hey, wouldn't want them to forget, right? When they later go out with friends, they will recall that night and think a bit harder about what they might be setting themselves up for if they say "Yes" to that "little taste" with their friends.

I essentially did what I am describing to myself as a teenager. Walked into a store with my mother and bought as much of everything I could afford. If it looked interesting or something I'd seen other people drinking, I put it in the box, paid, and went home to drink it all solo. That (and observations of people who drink) did it for me for a lifetime. Iced tea, Lippo, or soda pop - thank you very much - here's a nice tip.

[nkstan]

The wife and I collude, collaborate, and conspire in positive ways. There are some things our daughter isn't gung-ho about telling me and there are some things she isn't gung-ho about telling my wife. But there is nothing that, as far as we can tell, she would ever keep from both of us. Mostly because if that were to ever happen, I would be disappointed and she knows how I feel about honesty and integrity amongst family. So she tells at least one of us because by doing so, I could not ever question her honesty. Works for us and I hope it continues into her teenage years when other people and influences become more a part of her daily life and she has to make increasingly difficult independent decisions.

I am sure if she were older and at the party with NKSTAN's daughter, they would have looked at each other like, "Nah...let's roll out", followed immediately by a call to me to come get her, followed immediately by the sound of my screeching samlor tires at the door (I would have blown by nkstan at the light with a Thai lazy "S" maneuver - Heheheh), followed immediately by a "Pop, I want [to go to Swenson's or to go shopping with my friend]". To which I would comply because she has known all her life that "good girls get good things". My Precious.

=D> =D> =D> Ain't communication great?

[bumper]

Good for you guys if you don't give them guidance who is?????????????????????????????????????????????????

[arjay]

Very difficult area this.

My step daughter is only just 13 and hasn't started developing visibly yet, other than gaining height rapidly! A week or so back we stumbled across a letter under her pillow saying how she liked a particular boy at school, and since then there have been emails and possibly SMS's from girlfriends whom we believe are liaising between them. (there was an email with a photo attachment). My wife and I are not letting on that we know about this.

I encourage my wife to try and develop a friendly rapport with her daughter (as I do myself) and not to be quick to criticise her (which she is). We have previously set the scene with her daughter that we have brought her here to live with us, so that she can be with her Mother, have a father, and significantly to enable her to get a better education and prepare for life than would have been the case way out in the "outback".

The daughter is progressing reasonably well at school, though seems to be a bit of a "dreamer" when at home, preferring to listen to music (South Korean girl and boy bands), play on the computer (mostly listening to YouTube), sketch clothing designs, or watch TV.

We have gently intimated that education should come before boys or other things, - they can come later, and talked to her about peer pressure and some possible scenarios, (involving such things as m/bike helmets, smoking and drinking) and are hoping that she will share/talk to us or her Mum about things that evolve, though personally I'm not convinced she will. [-o<

I see the challenge as how to create a sharing of information and experiences culture/rapport with her without her feeling shy or threatened, when she seems to naturally want to play her cards close to her chest.

[bumper]

Arjay your making an effort that is a lot more then some would do as a step father. My suggestion keep fairly close tabs a you can and let her grow as she understands thing into that freedom. There is not one of us who didn't have all the answers when we were teenagers.

It's a tough time in life, you don't want to make them dependent. But you want them to have a good grasp of the real world before they enter into total independence. Good Luck.