Nigglyb wrote: ↑

August 19, 2017, 2:42 pm

Me: "I keep eating my feather pillow in my sleep. It's really starting to depress me"
Mrs N: "Down in the dumps?"
Me: "I dunno. I haven't been yet"

You Will Be when The " Mighty " Whites Get Beat Again...

Nigglyb wrote: ↑

August 19, 2017, 2:33 pm

747man wrote: ↑

August 19, 2017, 11:33 am

After landing my new job as a Tesco greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be f*****ng stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone f***** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

I'd have sacked you for saying "Good morning and welcome to Asda" when you were employed by Tesco but hey, I'm just a stickler for employer loyalty

Just Seeing if You were Awake.....

747man wrote: ↑

August 19, 2017, 8:27 pm

You Will Be when The " Mighty " Whites Get Beat Again...

Wrong thread..................do pay attention at the back

Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers.
Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use: "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.

Won’t you join our Common Market? said the Spider to the Fly,
It really is a winner and the cost is not too high,
I know De Gaulle said “Non”, but he hadn’t got a clue,
We want you in, my friends and I, for we have plans for you.

You’ll have to pay a little more than we do, just for now,
As Herr Kohl said, and I agree, we need a new milch cow.
It’s just a continental term believe me, mon ami,
Like “Vive la France” or “Mad Anglais” or even “E.E.C.”

As to the rules, don’t worry friend, there’s really but a few,
You’ll find that we ignore them – but they all apply to you!
Give and share between us, that’s what it’s all about
You do all the giving, and we all share it out.

It’s very British, is it not, to help a friend in need?
You’ve done it twice in two World Wars, a fact we must concede,
So climb aboard the Market Train, don’t sit there on the side,
Your continental cousins want to take you for a ride.

=D> =D> =D> =D>

Nelson and Hardy’s final conversation circa 2010

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' – What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the
rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to
engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your individual."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "Well in that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

My cousin was born without eyelids so the doctors used his foreskin to create some

He looks alright now, just a little cockeyed

Daddy Long Legs


A young father in North Queensland watched his small daughter playing in the garden!


He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was! Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes!


Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground!


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention!


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating!


'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.


'They're mating!' her father replied!


'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.


'A Daddy Longlegs!' her father answered.


'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked!


As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied:


'No dear, Both of them are Daddy Longlegs!'


'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat!


'Well," she said, "that may be OK in Canberra, but we're not having any of that ---- in Townsville!"

-A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot; ' watch this ! '
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that ?
The C-130 pilot said; ' That was impressive; but watch this ! '
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
' What did you think of that ? '
Puzzled; the F-16 pilot asked; ' What the heck did you do ? '
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
' I stood up; stretched my legs; walked to the back;
Took a leak; then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. '
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !
When you get older & smarter -
Comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !
Us older folks understand this one; it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....