Consolidated Joke Thread

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 26, 2017, 5:42 pm

If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and s*x at the same time?

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:56 am

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:25 pm

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 3:15 pm

Mick and Paddy were on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'

Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 29, 2017, 1:15 am

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 29, 2017, 9:12 pm

Thought I would share with you what happened this morning.............................
Good deed done for the day - in the queue at Tesco express this morning there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £27 of shopping but her card got declined!
I was feeling generous, especially at this time of year...........
after all, that is someones gran................
so I helped her put it all back on the shelves...
every little helps

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by 747man » February 2, 2018, 7:31 pm

27751904_10216029433675110_5465874666371191740_n.jpg

User avatar
stattointhailand
udonmap.com
Posts: 10352
Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case

Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by stattointhailand » February 2, 2018, 9:50 pm

64b43e682dff9ed337cf4beb91bd71f1.jpg

User avatar
Nigglyb
udonmap.com
Posts: 718
Joined: February 13, 2014, 5:00 am

Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by Nigglyb » February 2, 2018, 9:57 pm

​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

User avatar
stattointhailand
udonmap.com
Posts: 10352
Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case

Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by stattointhailand » February 2, 2018, 10:18 pm

Nigglyb wrote:
February 2, 2018, 9:57 pm
​A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same
Pretty similar to the man's I'll be back in 5 mins when he's going to fix the new blond neighbours pussy cat flap or the woman's I'll be back in 5 mins when she's at the hairdressers or out shopping with your daughter.

bluejets
udonmap.com
Posts: 686
Joined: March 17, 2008, 10:05 am
Location: Australia

Re: Now THIS Could well be TRUE !!!!

Post by bluejets » February 3, 2018, 7:11 am

On a trip down to Bangkok a few years back, we decided to go for dinner at a street restaurant.
As it was a Friday night, getting a taxi was almost impossible, even on the main roads.
I had asked how far this restaurant was to which my wife had said " not far".
So I suggested we walk, which we had done before BUT all this did was get me a funny look and a stern "Noooo".
So my wife called her brother to pick us up.

I was amazed that we caught most of the traffic lights and those where we had to stop were only short periods.
Still, we drove, and drove, and drove.
It was almost an hour driving when we finally arrived. I said this is NOT "not far". this is in the next city.
I think her brother got it as he had a bit of a laugh.

On arriving back at my wife's home town, I pointed to the lake at the end of the road.
I said " see the lake? THAT is NOT FAR".

To this day when ever I mention it, I still get that vacant look.

User avatar
Faraday
udonmap.com
Posts: 407
Joined: December 4, 2015, 10:53 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Faraday » February 3, 2018, 9:30 am

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 7:59 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:01 pm

unnamed (1).jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 8826
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » February 4, 2018, 8:04 pm

A PRAYER FOR GRANDPA......................


Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest