I took my dog to the welfare office to see what benifits he was entitled to
"You idiot, dogs don't get benifits he said"
I said "why not? he's lazy, he stinks, never worked a day in his life and he can't speak a fuggn' word of English"
He replied
"His first payment is Friday"
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
My Yorkshire Mum just asked "Do you know the name of that Brazilian lad who keeps rolling around the floor?"
"Neymar" I answered.
"Never mind then, was worth asking" she replied.
"Neymar" I answered.
"Never mind then, was worth asking" she replied.
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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after
she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love Frank!
her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after
she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love Frank!
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I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, his brother and mates handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it" he said giggling...
It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull...
Carlsberg!
"Drink it" he said giggling...
It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull...
Carlsberg!
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Please leave enough time to go through security. Now Jeremy Hunt is Foreign Secretary, it can take up to 3 months to get an X-ray for your hand luggage.
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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
SPAM at its best, LOL.
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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
vidmaster wrote: ↑June 30, 2018, 3:27 pmWhat a beautiful story. This should be shared with everyone!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch.
He had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Sounds like a cight runt -
fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A dyslexic bloke walks into a bra.
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A young wife, her boorish husband and a young handsome sailor were shipwrecked on a desert island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and shouted: “Stop making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” said the husband when the sailor climbed down. “We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor. “From up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning from then on, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and when he got there he looked down and said to himself: “Well, I never! He’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” said the husband when the sailor climbed down. “We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor. “From up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning from then on, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top and when he got there he looked down and said to himself: “Well, I never! He’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
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What do you get when you cross an atheist insomniac with a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake, pondering if there really is a dog.
Someone who lies awake, pondering if there really is a dog.
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A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile. ‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the fu*#ing putt, didn’t you?’
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile. ‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the fu*#ing putt, didn’t you?’
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A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.
“How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.
The suggestion was met with stony silence.
Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
“Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
“And where’s my present?” he smiled.
“What present?”
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”
“Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
“How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.
The suggestion was met with stony silence.
Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
“Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
“And where’s my present?” he smiled.
“What present?”
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”
“Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
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Me and my girlfriend stopped at the motorway services recently for some breakfast.
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
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stattointhailand
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- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Dont want to upset any of the doo gooders out there, but I took Chemistry at skool, and alcohol IS a solution
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Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife "Darling, Honey or Love." What’s the secret?”
Old man : “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!”
Old man : “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!”
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump
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An 8-year-old choir boy catches the ‘catholic’ priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Got sacked from my job at B&Q today.
My boss came over and said "he wants decking".
Luckily I got the first punch in.
My boss came over and said "he wants decking".
Luckily I got the first punch in.