Already done, Jon, as you can see from the appearance of the formerly forbidden word in your post.Drunk Monkey wrote: ↑September 8, 2018, 1:45 amWhat about ###### , Abrv SEPTIC .. please can this be struck from the UM record of silly censorship.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Re: Consolidated Jokes
OK, while we are at it, can a.n.a.l be similarly less proscribed.Udon Map wrote: ↑September 8, 2018, 2:02 amAlready done, Jon, as you can see from the appearance of the formerly forbidden word in your post.Drunk Monkey wrote: ↑September 8, 2018, 1:45 amWhat about ###### , Abrv SEPTIC .. please can this be struck from the UM record of silly censorship.
I really do want to post a lengthy but informative tome in the Health forum on my mother-in-laws recent struggles with her hemorrhoids and how I helped her get rid of her son.
Ta
tam
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers” she said. “That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers” she said. “That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I agree. Done.
I'll be looking forward to your post. You used hemorrhoids to get rid of her son? Wouldn't a handgun have been easier?
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Sunday morning laugh for everyone x
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"
"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"
"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."
The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.
"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.
"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"
"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.
"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.
"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"
"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"
The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
The worlds greatest lies:
I promise I won't --- in your mouth.
I'll be ready in five minutes darling.
This government cares about everyone.
Married? Not at all sweetheart.
And finally, in Liverpool, It's our year.
I promise I won't --- in your mouth.
I'll be ready in five minutes darling.
This government cares about everyone.
Married? Not at all sweetheart.
And finally, in Liverpool, It's our year.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Nothing,she just gagged
Nothing,she just gagged
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the f@ckin’ dishes!!
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the f@ckin’ dishes!!
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it.”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”
The bartender poured him a beer.
A couple of minutes later, the man said again: “Give me a beer before the arguments
start.”
The bartender poured him another beer.
A few minutes later, the man said for a third time: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”
Thoroughly confused, the bartender said: “Excuse me, when are you going to pay for all these beers?”
The man said: “Now the arguments start.”
The bartender poured him a beer.
A couple of minutes later, the man said again: “Give me a beer before the arguments
start.”
The bartender poured him another beer.
A few minutes later, the man said for a third time: “Give me a beer before the arguments start.”
Thoroughly confused, the bartender said: “Excuse me, when are you going to pay for all these beers?”
The man said: “Now the arguments start.”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year-old scotch. Believing that the customer would not be able to tell the difference, the bartender poured him a shot of cheap three-year-old house scotch.
The man took a sip before spitting it out on the bar. “I’m not drinking this!” he complained. “This is cheap three-year-old scotch. Now give me the good twelve-year-old scotch that I asked for!”
Still looking to cut corners, the bartender poured him a shot of a moderate six-year-old scotch.
The man took a sip before once again spitting it out on the bar. “This is just a six-year-old scotch,” he moaned. “I’m not paying for this! Now will you give me the twelve-year-old scotch I ordered?”
The bartender finally relented, and served the man his best quality twelve-year-old scotch.
The entire episode had been witnessed by an old drunk at the other end of the bar. He now walked up to the selective scotch drinker, put a glass down in front of him and asked: “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert took a sip of the golden liquid and spat it out violently on the bar. “That’s disgusting!” he said. “It tastes like piss!”
“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now tell me how old I am.”
The man took a sip before spitting it out on the bar. “I’m not drinking this!” he complained. “This is cheap three-year-old scotch. Now give me the good twelve-year-old scotch that I asked for!”
Still looking to cut corners, the bartender poured him a shot of a moderate six-year-old scotch.
The man took a sip before once again spitting it out on the bar. “This is just a six-year-old scotch,” he moaned. “I’m not paying for this! Now will you give me the twelve-year-old scotch I ordered?”
The bartender finally relented, and served the man his best quality twelve-year-old scotch.
The entire episode had been witnessed by an old drunk at the other end of the bar. He now walked up to the selective scotch drinker, put a glass down in front of him and asked: “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert took a sip of the golden liquid and spat it out violently on the bar. “That’s disgusting!” he said. “It tastes like piss!”
“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now tell me how old I am.”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
The Pope is working a crossword puzzle. Fills in something, looks at it funny and turns to an Archbishop. Pope: “What’s a four-letter term for a female ending in U-N-T?” Archbishop horrified and then relieved: “Umm, oh! Aunt!” Pope: “Ahh. Got an eraser?”
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