A bird was flying south for the winter, but had left it too late to set off and found itself frozen solid in a blizzard. It dropped to earth in a field of cows, landing in a massive cow pat, just as it was being deposited by the fattest cow in the field. At first, the bird was disgusted until it realized that the pile of poop was actually thawing him out. As the ice melted and his feathers returned to normal, he tweeted joyously, but the sounds were heard by a nearby cat who promptly crept over and ate the bird.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into ---- is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of ---- is your friend.

3. If you are in ----, keep your mouth shut...............Enough Said !!

2 pieces of tarmac are in the pub discussing who's tougher. "Im way 'arder than you!" Says the first.
"I'm from the M25, think how much stuff goes over me every day."
"Oh get real," says the other,
"I'm from the roughest parts of the inner cities me, as well as lorries and buses over me, I also get petrol bombs and gunshots!!"
Just then a red piece of tarmac walks in.
The M25 piece looks worried.
"Oh S**t, don't tangle with him." He says.
"Why not?" asks the M3 bit.
The M25 piece replies
"Because

(wait for it)
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He's a cyclepath!!!"

Bumped into an old school friend earlier, he couldn’t wait to tell me about his high powered job, massive house and top of the range sports car, then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said
“Isn’t she beautiful?”
Me.” If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
Him. “ Why is she a stunner ?”
Me. “ No mate, she’s an optician “

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment,self-expression and male bonding.

"If you don't stop asking me if we are nearly there yet, I will turn this bus round; and none of you will get to see Salisbury cathedral. Do you hear me?"

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

You know the Premier League is back when you have a full kit Kopite, with boots and shinnys in front of you at Asda asking for two AA batteries for his remote.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned...

A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain that anyone could possibly experience. The woman said: “Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth.”

“Nonsense,” said the man, “a kick in the bollocks is much more painful. Ask any guy.”

“You’re so wrong,” maintained the woman. “Childbirth is far more painful.”

The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: “I have proof that I am right.”

“What proof?” she asked scornfully.

“Because,” he continued, “a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, ‘Do you want to try for another baby?’ But I have never, ever, ever heard a man say – even years later – ‘You know what I’d really like? Another kick in the bollocks!’”

MERSEY FACTS :

Lpool fans are known on Merseyside as The Redshite.

In the Old Spion Kop, Liverpool fans pissed all over each other.

Ask a modern day Liverpool fan about Fairclough & Kennedy & they think your talking about a firm of solicitors.

Kopites are known as gobshites

friend of mine is going a bit senile - he keeps knocking on his front door then going in round the back to answer it - I don't think he knows what he's letting himself in for....

So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.

Then she slipped it up her fa*ny...

I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow..."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three ******' months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a ******' lawyer?'

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or

phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

(Winston Churchill loved them).


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Sadly this is true!!! So.....



Spread the laughter, share the cheer, let's be happy, while we're here.

I spent last night defrosting the fridge.

Or foreplay as she likes to call it.