Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:39 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 13, 2018, 11:22 am

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 7:36 am

Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at ASDA just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a sterling job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it. Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager sat down and went on to comment,
“I know you're retired from the Corp of the Royal Engineers. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually stood to attention and said, Good morning, Sgt Major can I get you a coffee, sir.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 10:30 am

Diet

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by ningnong » October 15, 2018, 10:03 am

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 11:09 am

ningnong wrote:
October 15, 2018, 10:03 am
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Do Yer mean " NO Wucking Furries,Mate "....... :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 11:27 am

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Rocking Tim
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Rocking Tim » October 15, 2018, 2:08 pm

OIL
to make olive oil you grind & hammer the olives to a pulp & then extract the juice.
to make corn oil you grind & hammer the corn to a pulp & then extract the juice.
to make vegetable oil you grind & hammer the vegetables to a pulp & the extract the juice.
So, how do you make baby oil ???

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 10:23 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 16, 2018, 6:33 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 17, 2018, 8:36 pm

Had a mare of a day so far

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion

Apparently “****** large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 18, 2018, 5:55 pm

An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he won't be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth, stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?" The barber replies "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 19, 2018, 8:53 am

THERE IS NO SENIOR DISCOUNT FOR READING THIS!!!

LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S REAR ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED AS PORRIDGE.

3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE Lamp post.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . .

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".

18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE???...OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 22, 2018, 12:35 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » October 22, 2018, 9:04 am

747man wrote:
October 8, 2018, 6:54 pm
My young fella is wearing a Liverpool shirt as part of a science experiment for school.
He’s already been punched spat at and kicked.
Fu*k knows what’s going to happen when he leaves the house
You tell some awesome jokes 747man. Keep them coming. They'll have quite an audience. :D
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 22, 2018, 7:43 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 23, 2018, 1:55 pm

Frank came into work late one day and his boss was noticeably upset: “You’ve been late almost every day this month! You’re fired unless you give me a good reason why!”

Frank thought for a moment then began to speak, “Sorry, boss. I always have late night plans. I know everyone worth knowing and it keeps me busy.”

The boss, not amused by Frank’s obvious lie, sighs and continues, “Okay, Frank. Tell you what, you convince me that you know everyone worth knowing, and I’ll give you one more chance.”

So, that day, during lunch, Frank and his boss drive to a large manor on the edge of town. Frank knocks on the door and Kim Kardashian opens it. She hugs Frank and invites him and his boss in for a bite to eat.

Impressed, but still not convinced, Frank’s boss says, “That was definitely worth knowing, but it doesn’t prove you know EVERYONE worth knowing.”

Frank thinks for a moment again and starts driving north of town. After a while, Frank and his boss arrive at another, much larger manor and he knocks on the door. After a second, the door swings open and Samuel L. Jackson smiles at Frank and invites him in for a bite to eat.

After their second meal, Frank’s boss is more impressed but not entirely convinced. Frank thinks and begins driving toward the airport.

Several hours later, Frank and his boss pull up to the Vatican in a cab and walk in. Frank tells his boss that only a select few can go past a certain point so he’ll have to wait outside. Time passes and Frank’s boss notices a crowd gathering in the plaza of the Vatican. Once the crowd is large, Frank and the Pope walk out onto a raised platform. From the platform, Frank can see a commotion forming around where he left his boss and rushes over.

Frank’s boss lies on the ground clutching his heart, and Frank asks, “What happened?”

The boss replies, “When you and the Pope walked out, the guy next to me asked ‘who’s that standing next to Frank?’”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 23, 2018, 3:39 pm

My wife texted me a selfie of her in her new dress.
“Does my butt look big in this?”
I texted back “Noo”
My mobile auto corrected “Moo”
Help

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fogeyes » October 23, 2018, 5:30 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 24, 2018, 11:45 am

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

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