Consolidated Joke Thread

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
Post Reply
User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:01 pm

21761522_10203477797461587_6285322605503100698_n.jpg
21761522_10203477797461587_6285322605503100698_n.jpg (8.78 KiB) Viewed 2478 times



User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:03 pm

C4X8uhmXAAAi9_T.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:06 pm

DFr6zCbXsAAOSKI.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:07 pm

post-1281-0-68353800-1495336491.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:08 pm

unnamed (7).jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 7, 2017, 10:09 pm

unnamed (6).jpg

User avatar
Mex
udonmap.com
Posts: 316
Joined: May 21, 2016, 4:41 pm
Location: Ban Chiang

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mex » October 8, 2017, 7:42 am

Daddy Long Legs


A young father in North Queensland watched his small daughter playing in the garden!


He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was! Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes!


Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground!


He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention!


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating!


'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.


'They're mating!' her father replied!


'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.


'A Daddy Longlegs!' her father answered.


'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked!


As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied:


'No dear, Both of them are Daddy Longlegs!'


'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat!


'Well," she said, "that may be OK in Canberra, but we're not having any of that ---- in Townsville!"
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..

User avatar
Nigglyb
udonmap.com
Posts: 739
Joined: February 13, 2014, 5:00 am
Contact:

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Nigglyb » October 8, 2017, 11:25 pm

-A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

goodison
udonmap.com
Posts: 542
Joined: August 29, 2008, 3:57 pm
Location: udon Thani
Contact:

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by goodison » October 10, 2017, 4:28 am

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

User avatar
UdonExpat
udonmap.com
Posts: 1434
Joined: June 9, 2007, 10:30 am
Location: 3rd rock from the sun

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by UdonExpat » November 8, 2017, 7:16 am

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot; ' watch this ! '
And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that ?
The C-130 pilot said; ' That was impressive; but watch this ! '
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
' What did you think of that ? '
Puzzled; the F-16 pilot asked; ' What the heck did you do ? '
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
' I stood up; stretched my legs; walked to the back;
Took a leak; then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll. '
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !
When you get older & smarter -
Comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !
Us older folks understand this one; it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 22, 2017, 6:47 pm

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 23, 2017, 8:30 pm

DPUg2NuW0AEM2F6.jpg

User avatar
TAXIfor7/11
udonmap.com
Posts: 1426
Joined: March 19, 2017, 2:08 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » November 24, 2017, 8:18 am

E V E R T O N :D

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 24, 2017, 9:24 am

21751701_906712289482238_6917505123857399840_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 24, 2017, 10:13 am

An Israeli tourist hails a taxi in New York

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bull*hit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 26, 2017, 5:42 pm

If women are so perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and s*x at the same time?

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:56 am

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that of we didn’t have electricity we’d be watching television by candle light?

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 1:25 pm

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 27, 2017, 3:15 pm

Mick and Paddy were on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, Mick said, 'If this plane were to turn upside down, do you think we'd fall out?'

Paddy replies, 'Not at all, we'd still be mates'.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 15135
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 29, 2017, 1:15 am

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip,
the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it
opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God!
Please help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes
ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”