Consolidated Joke Thread

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » May 4, 2018, 4:32 pm

I think it use to say "she could handle a pony & trap"



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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 4, 2018, 10:56 pm

V????

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 5, 2018, 4:09 pm

Last night I was in a bar when me and a friend got in an argument with some tough-looking blokes, my mate quickly whispered to me Let's pretend we're the police.......

Long story short, they kicked the ---- out of us before we even got through the first verse of "Roxanne"......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 5, 2018, 6:16 pm

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TAXIfor7/11
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » May 5, 2018, 6:22 pm

747man wrote:
May 5, 2018, 6:16 pm
DbpkdVwWAAAgWjs.jpg
think your losing the plot,you've posted this 4/5 times in the last week?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » May 5, 2018, 6:22 pm

E V E R T O N

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 5, 2018, 6:24 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 7, 2018, 12:18 pm

DckSr9cU0AAuvNz.jpg
Apologies for The " F " Word !!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » May 7, 2018, 2:04 pm

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 8, 2018, 5:18 am

MISSING WIFE
Mr Smith went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.
Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping at Tescos and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Officer: What colour are her eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate. Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 8, 2018, 5:19 am

Why men shouldn't write advice columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he admitted they had been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
sincerley, Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 8, 2018, 7:48 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 9, 2018, 3:55 am

Chris Cross, a tourist in Vienna, is going past a churchyard on October 31st. All of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. Chris finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades Tim Burr, a friend, to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing“

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by UdonExpat » May 9, 2018, 7:10 pm

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 10, 2018, 11:41 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2018, 1:16 pm

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 11, 2018, 12:15 am

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tinpeeba » May 11, 2018, 2:33 am

The Duchess returned to the Manor one evening and encountered her butler in her boudoir. She looked the butler straight in the eye and said:
“James, take off my dress.” James took off her dress.
“James, take off my petticoat.” James took off her petticoat.
“James, take off my bra.” James took off her bra.
“James, take off my panties.” James took off her panties. The Duchess turned, faced her butler again and in a soft but firm voice said:
“Now then, James, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » May 13, 2018, 4:05 am

A woman had a son but he only had a head,
he said to his mom I wish I had a body so I could play football with my friends. "His mother replied I will wish for it and you never know"
The next morning he ran down the stairs and said "mom I now have a body and head but wish I had arms".
To which his mother repeated what she said the day before. Next morning the little boy ran down the stairs and he said "mom I only need legs and I can play football".
Next morning he ran down the stairs out the front door and bang,he was knocked over by a bus and died.
The moral of this story is quit whilst you're a head.😩😳🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 13, 2018, 12:31 pm

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