Consolidated Joke Thread

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GT93
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 28, 2018, 3:00 pm

A middle aged Man U supporter comes home to find his 17 year old daughter spread out over the sofa with a dildo up her. "What the hell are you doing?" he shouts.

Quickly covering herself up she explains "Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute."

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad watching a Man U game with a dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer. "What are you doing?" she shouts.

He replies, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."


Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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GT93
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 28, 2018, 4:52 pm

How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shxt from someone.
Lock 'em up - Eastman, Giuliani, Senator Graham, Meadows and Trump

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Mosquito » May 28, 2018, 7:12 pm

American guy brings his Thai wife to a Major League Baseball game for the 1st time, he's desperate to teach her America's favorite pasttime.

1st batter hits the plate, pitcher warms up and throws a strike.
second pitch is a ball, third pitch is a ball.
guy explains to the wife that the batter now has 1 strike and 2 balls, wife nods her head in understanding.
forth and fifth pitch are balls, and the batter starts walking to 1st base.
guys says that the batter has 4 balls, wife nods in understanding...........saying i'd walk if I had 4 balls.

sounded better in my head.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 28, 2018, 7:15 pm

Mosquito wrote:
May 28, 2018, 7:12 pm
American guy brings his Thai wife to a Major League Baseball game for the 1st time, he's desperate to teach her America's favorite pasttime.

1st batter hits the plate, pitcher warms up and throws a strike.
second pitch is a ball, third pitch is a ball.
guy explains to the wife that the batter now has 1 strike and 2 balls, wife nods her head in understanding.
forth and fifth pitch are balls, and the batter starts walking to 1st base.
guys says that the batter has 4 balls, wife nods in understanding...........saying i'd walk if I had 4 balls.

sounded better in my head.
Don't Give the Day Job Up....Mossie !!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 28, 2018, 11:48 pm

Two guys meet up at the pub.
‘What happened ?’ the first guy gasps, seeing his friends black eye.
‘Well,’ his friend explains, ‘I was in a lift and a woman with huge breasts walked in.
She said to me: “Would you please press one ?” So I did!’

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 29, 2018, 6:20 pm

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says: “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by UdonExpat » May 31, 2018, 9:53 am

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » June 2, 2018, 10:51 am

I went to see my doctor today as he had some results from my last visit , he said sit down i have good news and i have bad news , so i said ok whats the good news , he said you have 24 hours to live , i said wow ok but whats the bad news and he said well i should have told you yesterday .

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 2, 2018, 11:36 am

Deoa3ivXUAAY6GM.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 2, 2018, 7:17 pm

Since my wife left, I've bought a motorcycle, drugs and am currently in bed with two prostitutes.

She's going to be pissed off when she comes home from work.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 2, 2018, 9:26 pm

One For Dezzer & The Other Deludes !!!
DesBT8WW0AA3rTC.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by dezzer111 » June 2, 2018, 9:59 pm

747man wrote:
June 2, 2018, 9:26 pm
One For Dezzer & The Other Deludes !!!DesBT8WW0AA3rTC.jpg
Very Droll mate can you remind me when to laugh :-k
"You'll Never Walk Alone"L.F.C.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 3, 2018, 12:13 pm

A man walks into a w**rehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, “Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you’ve got here?” “Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we’re all full.” “Aw, please I really need some poon tang!” And the owner answers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black c**dom.”

“Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says: ”Wow, that was great. She didn’t even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black c**dom?”

And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 3, 2018, 12:14 pm

dezzer111 wrote:
June 2, 2018, 9:59 pm
747man wrote:
June 2, 2018, 9:26 pm
One For Dezzer & The Other Deludes !!!DesBT8WW0AA3rTC.jpg
Very Droll mate can you remind me when to laugh :-k
29249988_1689789037724651_3680259542098116608_o.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Essex » June 3, 2018, 1:42 pm

A man fell down a well, he didn't see that well

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't

A man walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table...he was blind
I am independently poor

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 3, 2018, 4:56 pm

Me and the wife decided to make our own S*X tape, but she was pissed off when I started to hold auditions for her part.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » June 3, 2018, 5:13 pm

Husband and Wife were having marital problems so booked a session with a counselor
Counselor started by asking husband when he thought that things started to go wrong
He said it was soon after they bought a water bed
The counselor asked the wife if she agreed and she said yes, that’s when we started to drift apart

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 6, 2018, 10:52 am

Essex wrote:
June 3, 2018, 1:42 pm
A man fell down a well, he didn't see that well

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't

A man walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table...he was blind
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 6, 2018, 10:53 am

A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day and asked her what she had between her legs.

“That’s something you’re never going to talk about again. And you shouldn’t touch it because it has teeth,” she replied.

Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs because he was very scared.

One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they got married.

On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.

“No,” he said. “It’s got teeth.”

“Silly goose!” she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. “See? No teeth!”

“Well, I’m not surprised,” he replied. Not with gums like that.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 6, 2018, 11:25 am

De9pVQbXcAIU9at.jpg

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