spending time with Thai family in Pattaya

[oldtimeudon]

well when the son borrowed 15.000 and the eldest girl borrowed 20.000 baht from my wife (their mother)last year and failed to pay one satang back, I thought they might be content but after thirteen years of looking after them It appears
they do not ever feel enough is enough. the youngest girl got an iPhone for her birthday and then asked for an ipad ?
they then announced that the two girls would be joining us at the condo in Pattaya, oh and the youngest the twenty year old baby had borrowed money as even though she had earned 10k a month for six months she had not saved one baht.
and now this was my debt ? one of their worst traits is they decide on the day what they want to do (four staying in the 32 sq m condo is not enough they have more family that want to stay = 5 adults) and with three ladies already I can not
get near the bathroom so what chance with four? so I decided that enough was enough and said no chance and I even
got a bonus as they are all going back to where they came from...this is some culture..as the wife is low maintenance but the rest just take and take....I will not go into her brothers as they are just the same....just another pissed off
farang ranting over your average thai/farang relationship or are this family not a typical issan family

[tamada]

Think of the merit you are gaining by lending money to family compared to the scroungers with their hands out. It does sound like you do have a family full of spongers though but there's only one person can put their foot down in that regard and you already know who it is.

[Chuchi]

Great quote I read last year,Thais don't borrow money you give it to them.

[Lone Star]

Great quote I read last year,Thais don't borrow money you give it to them.

I rarely lend money to anyone. Extremely rare. But when I have loaned money to anyone, I lend it with the idea that I can afford to lose it and that I will never see it again -- no matter the nationality.

[felixcat]

oldtimeudon, if it makes you feel better, consider yourself lucky. If some others would be brave enough/ or just open to sharing their horror stories, I'm sure you would feel better. I married a Thai I met in the US (actually, she was "introduced" to me), I found her kindness and simple things she would do for me, were so wonderful. Then she told me she had over stayed her tourist visa. (?) OK, got a laywer and fixed it. Long story short. she introduced me to Thailand. Fell in love with the foods and kind people. 7 years married, about $1.500.000 stolen , little by tittle, got divorced. She got her citizenship for US, I sold my business and traveled alot. But kept coming back to Thailand. Did all that Thai internet dating thing, for a couple years, actually come to Thailand about 6 more times "to meet" different ladies who sounded "honest". Some were nice, but after 2 days i could figure them out. Most the time, I came with a 1 month visa and would call a taxi to get me away from them, and would spend a nice time swimming, relaxing, eating and being close to the ocean, and meeting people from all over the world.
When I would come to Thailand, i would eat twice the food as in the US, but would return home 2 pants sizes smaller.
Set my plans in order, moved to Thailand, spent almost a year in Phuket, then met a Christian Thai lady on line. (For you doubters, if your ever in Bandung, there is a church close to Tesco. Before my wifes father dies, he had a vision from God, he stopped drinking, smoking ganga...he gave all that land for that church for free, he went to heaven).
After about a month of chatting on line, I let my wife come to Phuket to meet me, but rented her a different room to stay in at night. I demanded we "talk" everyday and learn about each other. I learn't along time ago, don't let the sex in the door until you know each other. Trust me, fast sex will ruin any relationship.
Wife and I marrried after 10 months, no sex until wedding day. This month is our 7th year of marriage, real marriage, not a ceramony.
We decided to move to the NE, her mom being in Dandung, we flew to Udon Airport and were expecting to take a Van to bandung. But all of a sudden her sister and Bro=in-law showed up at the airport to bring us to bandung. As we were getting closer to bandung my wife tells me "I think they will stop at a expensive resturant and leave you with the bill".
Exactly what happened... I told my wife "They will never get another baht from me".
Also, for some of you, I have been married to Thai 2 times, total 14 years, and NEVER paid a "Dowery". I say if your girl wants a dowry, move on. I gave my promise to the Father I would take good care of them. Nothing more said. They loved me.

[wazza]

Banks / Finance and AEON lend money.

Expats / Aliens and farang donate it.

[mickojak]

or are this family not a typical issan family

That's an interesting question.

My wife's family is totally opposite to that.
All hard working, independent and never asked me for a cent, (not yet anyway)!
Mind you, I am spending heaps with new house, cars and all, but the extended family don't benefit directly from that.

Whether they are Typical or not is not a question that I can answer.
Some longer time members would have a better idea.

I do feel lucky though, when I read the horror stories.
Mick

[maaka]

My lot are similar to the OP in many ways...poor villagers of a family of 7 or 8..most of the women folk have been married more than once, many husbands died thru accident or illness, most dont work except my missus and one other overseas. the rest tried the hand out on my first day, my reaction was 'if you clean the house site I will pay you ' they just walked off.. they never come and live as they all live side by side in the same street..most are drunk from dawn to dusk, some in bad debt to the men with motorbikes and baseball bats. I helped her in return for 3/4s of her land at a medium price. I bought the brother and another sister out, for 50,000bt and four cows, now I have just helped another by buying her wee Brahman bull for 20,000bt, ( which i wanted ) I pay papas food and medicine until he dies for other land, and in some way it all filters thru to all of them...they are as wild as the Bunch, and the kids are not much better, but who's their role models...I help my missus with advice and now she has become a leader of the family, and things have changed a wee bit for the better..I dont mix much with them, as drunks and druggies, is old school to me, they stay thier ground and I have my peace, but there are problems every day..they can knock the piss or the gambling, and dont lift a finger to Papa who lives alone waiting on them to cook some food for him. mu missus does the most as she is soft as doe...me I make them work or barter if they want my help...tuff love I guess, but I have to play the not the pushover or all will be lost...I am still a farang to them, but wield abit of power due to the money...I can hear one couple now fighting down the road and another fighting up the road, and this is normal for us..

[Lone Star]

or are this family not a typical issan family

That's an interesting question.

My wife's family is totally opposite to that.
All hard working, independent and never asked me for a cent, (not yet anyway)!
Mind you, I am spending heaps with new house, cars and all, but the extended family don't benefit directly from that.

Whether they are Typical or not is not a question that I can answer.
Some longer time members would have a better idea.

I do feel lucky though, when I read the horror stories.
Mick

We are in the same boat, Mick. Never once had a relative ask or even hint at one red satang.

I also feel lucky when reading the horror stories.

[cambsangler]

My TW is not bad in this respect, though has other faults that have developed over the last few years that seem impossible to resolve.

Her extended family, while never asking for a single Baht, will never do anything for nothing though, but expect everything in return for free. A mind-set that is deep-rooted I suspect.

[Marcosteffano]

I think it's a case of you've just got to be strong and let them know your not a push over.ive bought the land from family and they all own a lot more than I do.so when it comes to mama or papa getting sick I will be reminding them who has more than me and not my problem.im thankful the family are all hard working and don't gamble or borrow.my only problem is the teenage son.i told the mrs.if he gets a girl pregnant do not expect a baht or help from me.im not housing any offspring I'm not a free hotel.unfortunately he's thick as a brick and is destined for the rice field.i keep,reminding her that I've fixed him up with a job....in the army,I see a tear in her eye every time.if burdened with some problem like a loan don't lose your cool,just be firm and a straight no,go see bank manager.they will stop pestering after a couple of no's.

[oldtimeudon]

Felixcat and Maaka thanks for your honesty and insight, and thanks for the other members opinions
as I have been here near twenty years now I have 90% of it
sussed out and the other 10% I do not think a westerner can figure out, there will be people who will say they have it all
sorted but they are just kidding themselves, as most of us cannot figure out western women (well I struggle?)
like the two lads I was having a beer with last Sunday no 1. who announced how he called all the shots and they done exactly what he told them to do, and five mins later got a phone call to tell him he was getting picked up in two mins (you could hear him ask if she could come in the bar) and next min he is stuffing money into his bin and chasing down the road after his car being driven by his boss. F.A.F
the next no.2 a lad I know displayed a new mobile phone and announced ''****" had bought him this phone for 9k baht
and told every one how good she was buying stuff for him ? so I asked him if she had got a job ?he just looked at me in silence while a few others sniggered....it is just ridiculous what people will do to convince themselves that their's is
different.
and even though I waited 2 years before I made any promises to my then GF, I knew she had three kids and I knew it
would not be easy, she was so easy going and undemanding I took a chance which I do not regret, but it was the family that I did not factor in but I had a few hints like being offered a lift from her niece that had a brand new truck and 20.000 baht a month from Iran/Dubai....a taxi would be 100 baht she asked for 500 baht...even the wifes x husband asked for money....honest....people handle it in different ways some by laughing at stuff...some by venting...and some by thinking things are not so bad....as they say "up to you"....I find it funny most times..but it can get to you. cheers.

[felixcat]

oldtimeudon, I hope this helps you our a bit. I noticed no one had answered you after 1 whole day. I took a chance, told my story, and others came out. Thanks to all.
But did anyone notice I said I have never paid a Dowry, every, after 2 Thai marriages? Tell your friends, anyone, if they want a Dowry, it means its time to walk away.
Be a man and "just say no".
On a more funny side, Did you read about the Gay Brit who gave 1 million baht Dowry to his Thai boy lover, plus 20 baht of gold and a 1 (or 2) carrot diamond ring. ? Looking ar the Brits parents, they looked so sad...but the parents of the gay Thai boy were looking like they just hit the "Rotery".

[Laan Yaa Mo]

oldtimeudon, I hope this helps you our a bit. I noticed no one had answered you after 1 whole day. I took a chance, told my story, and others came out. Thanks to all.
But did anyone notice I said I have never paid a Dowry, every, after 2 Thai marriages? Tell your friends, anyone, if they want a Dowry, it means its time to walk away.
Be a man and "just say no".
On a more funny side, Did you read about the Gay Brit who gave 1 million baht Dowry to his Thai boy lover, plus 20 baht of gold and a 1 (or 2) carrot diamond ring. ? Looking ar the Brits parents, they looked so sad...but the parents of the gay Thai boy were looking like they just hit the "Rotery".

That would be one strange looking ring. You can thank your lucky stars it was not 4-5 carrots or karats.

By the way the Thai and Lao tradition of the man providing a bride-price is สินสอด (sinsot, sinsoht). It is very unusual, but not unheard of, for a girl's family not to ask for/expect it.

[neeemu]

I never paid a sinsot for my ball and chain as such but she had a daughter already and her families house has been renovated beyond recognition since I rocked up.
The daughter never asks for a thing and appreciates anything given to her so I've been very lucky. One of the neices has tried endlessly to get things off us unsuccessful​ly but she's so far only got what I wanted to give her.

[tamada]

Yes felixcat, we have now read it twice. Please don't make this another "I have never paid sinsodt" thread.

[maaka]

your welcome Oldtimeudon.
I dont mind spilling the beans, if it helps someone look at things in a different light..

my missus and step son are the best, but her family are totally dsyfunctional..but I have been there before, back home where my Maori family are similar, with booze, drugs, gangs, prison, and wayward kids, and my Irish family, well they were drinkers, fighters, and hardly were touchy feely kinda people. ' love you ' were words you never heard in our house, so coming here, and meeting the same kind of people was nothing to new...it took me 50yrs to learn how to say ' No ', and strangely life went for the better after that..on my terms...

thais have not been poisioned by logical thinking, gambling, borrowing and drinking are the norm for alot of poor village types..I started my missus off with what I call ' a borrow book ', and writing contracts / agreements...so if anyone of the family lend money, tools, or whatever, then it is written down in the borrow and signed by both parties..it can be referred too when disputes are disputed, and a loan is due, or if one says ' she always buys food for papa, or ' you never help me '...the writted contracts for land, cows, etc between us, just lets them know that its for real, and no going back once signed, and that you got such and such...seems to work fine now....anyway enough for now..

[old timer]

well when the son borrowed 15.000 and the eldest girl borrowed 20.000 baht from my wife (their mother)last year and failed to pay one satang back, I thought they might be content but after thirteen years of looking after them It appears they do not ever feel enough is enough.

I think lending money to any one of the Thai family you've inherited through your Mrs is an excellent way to avoid future financial assistance to those people, however you need to have the attitude, as other posters have mentioned, to only let them borrow what you can afford to lose.
At the time of lending them the money you are a falang with a good heart (mug), but here's the thing, if there are any further requests for financial support you can quite rightly tell them to ---- off until they have paid back the last loan.
Of course they will never pay you back and the onus is on them.
My wife and kids are always wanting something but after 16 years of marriage they know what they can have, sometimes one of them will go for something expensive which I will buy if I think they need it and I've not spent all my money on shagging WFB's and binge drinking like a drunken sailor, then they'll have to wait.

OT...........

[SJP17]

.my only problem is the teenage son.i told the mrs.if he gets a girl pregnant do not expect a baht or help from me.im not housing any offspring I'm not a free hotel.unfortunately he's thick as a brick and is destined for the rice field.i keep,reminding her that I've fixed him up with a job....in the army,I see a tear in her eye every time..

Well I don't think labelling the boy thick as a brick, destined for the rice field and threatening to have him enlisted in the army is going to do anything to endear you to him or your wife, this is your wife's son for god sake and only a teenager !

I basically made no effort at school and when I was 16 I was working in a fish factory earning terrible money after messing up a trade apprenticeship in carpentry and joinery and basically blowing all my money on cheap cider, cannabis and video games, my mum and dad were not happy but they stuck by me and eventually bit by bit I started to piece together my own pathway of life progression, driving licence, went to college for a year, started a trade and qualified as an engineer, bought my own house by 22,mortgage paid off by 35, now paying for second property and only working six months of the year, not bad for someone who had no qualifications was labelled as thick as a brick and only destined for the local fish factory !

Give the boy a chance

[Marcosteffano]

.my only problem is the teenage son.i told the mrs.if he gets a girl pregnant do not expect a baht or help from me.im not housing any offspring I'm not a free hotel.unfortunately he's thick as a brick and is destined for the rice field.i keep,reminding her that I've fixed him up with a job....in the army,I see a tear in her eye every time..

Well I don't think labelling the boy thick as a brick, destined for the rice field and threatening to have him enlisted in the army is going to do anything to endear you to him or your wife, this is your wife's son for god sake and only a teenager !

I basically made no effort at school and when I was 16 I was working in a fish factory earning terrible money after messing up a trade apprenticeship in carpentry and joinery and basically blowing all my money on cheap cider, cannabis and video games, my mum and dad were not happy but they stuck by me and eventually bit by bit I started to piece together my own pathway of life progression, driving licence, went to college for a year, started a trade and qualified as an engineer, bought my own house by 22,mortgage paid off by 35, now paying for second property and only working six months of the year, not bad for someone who had no qualifications was labelled as thick as a brick and only destined for the local fish factory !

Give the boy a chance

Come to think of it he's has got a bit of business sense and knows a bit about electronics.hes only 13 but has managed to build a tattoo gun and is the local tattooist for all the kids in his village.as for threatening him to have him enlisted ill leave that in the hands of Buddha.i don't think you should be quoting about what you've achieved a long time ago in a totally different country as it's now 2017 and we are in Thailand.when I was 16 I walked into the job centre and straight into an apprenticeship.try doing that here when you fail all your exams and get expelled has he has done.