Consolidated Joke Thread
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Stantheman
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Camilla Parker Bowles bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince
Charles had retired to their room at the Buckingham Palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back,
'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
in their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter.
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince
Charles had retired to their room at the Buckingham Palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back,
'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
in their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter.
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
Re: Consolidated Jokes
An old Yorkshireman is lying in his bed dying. With a very weak voice he asks:
Is my wife here?
Yes, I am here.
Are my children here?
Yes, your children are all here.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes grandad, we are all here.
- Then why is the light in the kitchen still on?
Is my wife here?
Yes, I am here.
Are my children here?
Yes, your children are all here.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes grandad, we are all here.
- Then why is the light in the kitchen still on?
Re: Consolidated Jokes
An Oldie But A Goldie !!!
The Honeymoon
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”
No sooner had she spoken the words, she burst out crying. “But mamma…as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…please mamma!”
“Now Sarah…” her mother answered, “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…please mamma!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma…words like dust, wash, iron and cook!”
The Honeymoon
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”
No sooner had she spoken the words, she burst out crying. “But mamma…as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…please mamma!”
“Now Sarah…” her mother answered, “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…please mamma!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma…words like dust, wash, iron and cook!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started..!”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started..!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Old MacDonald
Author-G by Author-G 11 months ago1 min ago
11.4kviews
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tim on the shoulder. “Pssst Tim. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tim laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tim’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tim, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O!”
Author-G by Author-G 11 months ago1 min ago
11.4kviews
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tim on the shoulder. “Pssst Tim. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tim laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tim’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tim, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O!”
Re: Consolidated Jokes
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be
In good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her.
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first
time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know
why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because, the first time
Is usually in August and the second time is in January."
In good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her.
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims
that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first
time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know
why?"
"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because, the first time
Is usually in August and the second time is in January."
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Could happen 
Re: Consolidated Jokes
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