Consolidated Jokes

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » May 22, 2019, 9:10 pm

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat em all



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 1:51 pm

Little Johnny is Back......
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 7:11 pm

Two Strepsils are in a bar when a locket walks in and shouts

“Who wants some?”

One Strepsil turns to the other one and says

“Don’t mess with him mate! He’s menthol”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 7:25 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » May 25, 2019, 11:14 pm

Didn't have the balls to put this one in the footie thread :lol:

"Everton are demanding at least £100m for Richarlison - with Manchester United and Barcelona eyeing a shock move this summer."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 26, 2019, 8:38 pm

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 29, 2019, 9:56 pm

a boy and his dog playing on the beach and dog goes in the sea and gets into trouble and starts crying
A Jewish man comes bye and asks why is he crying. He says my dog’s out there can you save him?
So Jew swims out and saves the dog.
When the boy is reunited with his dog he says thank you and asks man” are you a vet”?
The Jew says am a vet, I’m f**individual soaking !!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 29, 2019, 10:15 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 29, 2019, 10:36 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 30, 2019, 11:55 pm

Old fella was in the garden cutting veg for sunday dinner when he tripped and fell on the knife killing himself.
After ambulance had been and gone, and all was quiet in the street again, a family friend came round to offer their condolences. Eeee Elsie, i'm so sorry to hear whats hapenned. What you going to do now?

I suppose i'll have to open a tin of peas, came the reply.....😳😩😉🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 31, 2019, 7:06 pm

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says,“That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"
The officer responds,“Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

How Often Can One Get An Attorney To Convict His Own Client?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 1, 2019, 5:19 am

There was this little Boy about 12 years old, walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened Frog on a Piece of String behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the Door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the Women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the Girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the Girls have any Diseases"..??
Of course the Madam said, “NO”.
He said,
"I heard all the Men talking about having to get Shots after making love with Amber. An THAT'S the Girl I want".
Since the little Boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the Squashed Frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the Frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the Door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a Disease, instead of one of the others"..??
He said,
"Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a Restaurant for Dinner, leaving me at home with a Baby-Sitter. After they leave, my Baby-Sitter will have Sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the Baby-Sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the Baby-Sitter's bones, and he'll catch the Disease. Then when Dad gets home from the Baby-Sitters, he and Mom will go to Bed and have Sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the Milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the Disease,
and HE'S the fecker who ran over my Pet FROG"..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 1, 2019, 5:10 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 3, 2019, 6:16 pm

I Could Post this on Another Thread......But I'll Resist...
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 4, 2019, 12:55 am

Could happen 😩😩😩😩🤓🤓🤓🤓
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 4, 2019, 5:50 pm

A young lad was walking through town, when a girl came up to him and whispered,'Blowjob, £5.' Confused, the boy ignored her and walked on. When he got home, he decided to ask his sister what it meant, 'What's a blowjob?' '£5, same as in town,' replied his sister.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 4, 2019, 5:53 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 4, 2019, 8:23 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 5, 2019, 11:49 pm

I was out for Lunch with the wife today, when we were walking down the High Street , 1:00 in the afternoon, she pointed to a drunk on the other side of the road and said
"Look at the state of him, at this time of day. Can you believe he proposed to me 30 years ago and I turned him down flat!".
I replied: "Good Lord, and he's still celebrating!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 6, 2019, 3:07 am

Can’t argue with this
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