Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 13, 2019, 6:43 pm

When my wife left I was sad, very bored and felt terribly alone.

Since then I got a myself dog, bought a new motorbike, banged two of her friends and blown a grand on drugs and booze.

She'll go fu**ing mental when she gets home from work!



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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 14, 2019, 5:06 pm

A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
So from now on we're going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes.
He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed.
Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to
make love.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
The husband asked “What's this Bell 4???"
And the wife replied "More Hose!!! You're nowhere near the fire!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Bonanza » September 14, 2019, 11:09 pm

The other day a friend asked me if I spoke to my wife when making love, but I explained that I usually had the phone switched off.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 18, 2019, 9:36 pm

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties


I know I know but its time we lightened up again.

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 25, 2019, 8:01 am

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 27, 2019, 7:17 am

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 29, 2019, 9:52 am

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Irish Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them:
The Irishman fumed. "What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in. "I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!"
The Chinese Businessman called out. "Move it. Time is money!"
The Catholic Priest said. "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George." Said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied. "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest was the first to speak and said. "That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian Doctor said. "Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The Chinese Businessman replied. "I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls."
The Irish Bricklayer said. "Why can't the bastards play at night?

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » September 30, 2019, 2:42 am

I’m ok, how about you?
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » September 30, 2019, 6:10 am

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 1, 2019, 4:43 am

Does anyone know how to cancel an Ebay bid?...I put £3 on a cowboy outfit and now I'm six minutes away from owning the Labour party.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 1, 2019, 10:49 pm

Just been for a job interview, one of the bosses asked me how well I perform under pressure.
I told them I didn’t know the second verse, but I do know all of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 1, 2019, 10:58 pm

I laid her on the grassy bank, My hands were all a quiver,
Undid her suspender belt, and her leg fell in the river.

(A short poem by Paul McCartney)

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » October 2, 2019, 11:12 am

The boy stood on the burning deck, his top lip all a-quiver.
He gave a cough, his leg fell off, and floated down the river.

Eric Morcambe (from Spike Milligan)

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 2, 2019, 12:43 pm

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the hemorrhoid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus."😳😩🤓😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » October 2, 2019, 1:26 pm

Standing on the bridge at midnight, blowing kisses at the moon.
She told me she was a virgin, but she spoke to f***ing soon

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 2, 2019, 4:34 pm

An American entered the State lottery and was astonished to win $5,000,000. His friends suggested that was was only right and proper to donate a quarter to charity. The winner was pleased to agree.

After all, once he had made the donation he still had $4,999,999.75 ...!😳😩😩😩🧐🧐🧐😟😟😟😟😟😟😟

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » October 3, 2019, 1:13 pm

To be sure:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


2- Only borrow money from pessimists because they don't expect to get it back.


3- Half the people you know are below average.


4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fogeyes » October 3, 2019, 6:41 pm

An Everton fan & Liverpool fan were driving down a country lane late one night when they collided head on, the cars were both smashed to pieces but to their amazement neither party was injured.
To celebrate their good fortune they agree to put their sporting differences behind them and the Liverpool fan goes to the boot of his car and produces a 12 year old bottle of Single Malt & hands it to the Everton fan.
“May the Everton & the Liverpool fans live together in peace & harmony” says the Everton fan and he takes several large gulps and passes the bottle back to the Liverpool supporter.
“Are you not going to have a drink?” says the Evertonian.
“Not yet” replied the Liverpool fan, “I’ll wait until after the police have arrived you blue nosed **** “

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 4, 2019, 11:25 am

fogeyes wrote:
October 3, 2019, 6:41 pm
An Everton fan & Liverpool fan were driving down a country lane late one night when they collided head on, the cars were both smashed to pieces but to their amazement neither party was injured.
To celebrate their good fortune they agree to put their sporting differences behind them and the Liverpool fan goes to the boot of his car and produces a 12 year old bottle of Single Malt & hands it to the Everton fan.
“May the Everton & the Liverpool fans live together in peace & harmony” says the Everton fan and he takes several large gulps and passes the bottle back to the Liverpool supporter.
“Are you not going to have a drink?” says the Evertonian.
“Not yet” replied the Liverpool fan, “I’ll wait until after the police have arrived you blue nosed **** “
Well That's Kopites For Yer !!! NO Further Comment Required !!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 5, 2019, 7:35 pm

I've just found a wallet outside Walmart with $60 in it and I wasn't sure if I should hand it in or keep it.

As I went to walk away with it I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

I turned around, walked into Walmart... and turned it into wine.

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