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bigphil30uk
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by bigphil30uk » July 26, 2011, 8:25 pm

I believe Elton John will sing at Amy Winehouse's funeral.
"Candle Under The Spoon"



hairyharry
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 12:52 pm

Dear Dierdrie
I had jus t come out of the shower and was drying myself when I happened to peek through the bedroom window and saw my neighbours beautiful teenage daughter sunbathing in the garden. As I watched she sat up and removed her bikini top. As nature took effect I started to get more and more excited as I secretly watched her nubile body, until the final ecstacy approached. Just as I was finishing I turned away and saw my wife standing in the doorway, watching me with her arms folded. Dierdrie, tell me, is she a pervert?

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 12:59 pm

My friend Mary started a new job a couple of days ago at the toy factory that makes Emos (Emos are those cute cuddly toys that giggle and squirm when you tickle them under the arms).
At the end of the first day, Mary's line manager went to see HR to complain about her effect on the production line. Don't worry about it, he was told, It's only her first day and she is going to be a little slow.
However, on the second day the line manager was back in HR complaining about Mary and her effect on production. The HR boss followed the line manager onto the production floor where he saw a huge crowd standing round Mary's work position, with piles of Emos all around her. A they got closer they could see Mary stitching a tiny pair of fur balls onto the groin of an Emo. For Pete's sake Mary cried out the HR man. I told you to give each Emo two test tickles!

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 1:03 pm

I was watching one f those appeals for aid to africa, you know the sort of thing, pictures of the refugee camps and one particular scene of an african baby covered with flies. I made a note of the number,I want one of those kids, they work much better than the sticky strips I use.

hairyharry
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by hairyharry » August 10, 2011, 1:09 pm

Mick went into the farm machinery shed and found Paddy with his trousers round his ankles playing with himself. Wot are you doin Paddy shouts Mick. Well Mick, says Paddy, you know how I feel about young Mary and its been getting me down. Its got so bad I went to see the doctor. He said to me, Paddy, use your brain, you need to clean yourself up and do something sexy to attract her.

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USArmy_Veteran
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by USArmy_Veteran » August 11, 2011, 8:51 pm

The US government today announced that it is changing its National symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! ;)

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USArmy_Veteran
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by USArmy_Veteran » September 29, 2011, 11:30 am

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable' :roll:
"Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too."
Voltaire

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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by Kevro » January 10, 2012, 7:18 pm

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."


Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even
at home yesterday."



Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with
himself in front of his Massey Fergusson.

Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the
bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
attracter.....



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tons of sand from the Arabs and they're drilling for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to
Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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trekkertony
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Sound financial advice

Post by trekkertony » March 27, 2012, 8:20 am

Sound financial advice -

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have £0.00 today
But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos, drank all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British.

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maxeboy
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How The Fight Start

Post by maxeboy » May 28, 2012, 8:40 am

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Kind regards from maxeboy
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

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maxeboy
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How To Start A Fight

Post by maxeboy » May 30, 2012, 11:26 am

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

Kind regards from maxeboy
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

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maxeboy
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How To Start A Fight

Post by maxeboy » May 31, 2012, 11:37 am

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

Kind regards from maxeboy
:mrgreen:
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

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maxeboy
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How To Start A Fight

Post by maxeboy » June 1, 2012, 7:09 am

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

kind regards from maxeboy
:mrgreen:
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

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maxeboy
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Drinking And Driving!

Post by maxeboy » June 1, 2012, 7:32 am

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.


As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.


Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.


Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!


If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

Kind regards from maxeboy
:mrgreen:
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery

bluejets
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Drinking And Driving!

Post by bluejets » June 1, 2012, 7:51 am

As the drunk said when he read a news report that 20% of all road accidents were caused by drunk drivers..........
Why don't you 80% of sober drivers get off the road and let us drunks drive in peace??

PS ...can't help with the missing bus owner... :lol:

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BobHelm
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by BobHelm » August 21, 2012, 11:40 am

The 'Fringe Festival' in Edinburgh has just finished.
The UK satellite TV channel, Dave, now gives an annual award for the funnest 1 liner from the festival. That, in itself, is a bit of a joke given that Dave only shows repeats & nothing original itself... :D
This is this years top 10..
1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

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parrot
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by parrot » August 21, 2012, 7:08 pm

"I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo."
Phyllis Diller, RIP

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jackspratt
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JOKES (take 3 )

Post by jackspratt » August 21, 2012, 8:13 pm

More Dillerisms:
- I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes?'

- You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- You know you're getting old when your blood type's been discontinued.

- I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap?'

- I realised on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed. My mother damn near suffocated.

- Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?

- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

- Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
The blood type one is superb.

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stattointhailand
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Slightly Un PC but funny jokes

Post by stattointhailand » September 14, 2012, 9:45 pm

geordie eye test.jpg

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stattointhailand
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Slightly Un PC but funny jokes

Post by stattointhailand » September 23, 2012, 11:50 am

Anyone returning to UK in near future for hols etc; should be aware of the new ten quid note in circulation.


newtenquidnote.jpg

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