Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **socksy** » February 25, 2015, 6:48 am

Would be funny if it wasn't true (sorry I've just tried clicking to enlarge but doesn't seem to work)

Post by **socksy** » February 25, 2015, 6:54 am

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ----, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*****************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

***********************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Post by **socksy** » February 25, 2015, 6:58 am

THE CRABBY CABBIE
how to get even....eh...

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then
he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver
money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license
number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time
to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about
himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old
buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy
pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line,
''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
The same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past
the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign
to each of the other drivers.

Post by **socksy** » February 25, 2015, 7:16 am

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both tits for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You’re not producing any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came. :-"

Post by **747man** » February 25, 2015, 11:55 am

So You have been Warned !!

Post by **Jsell50** » February 25, 2015, 3:02 pm

Did you hear about the Irish couple? Patrick Fitz Michael and Michael Fitz Patrick? They were Gaelic.

2 couples decided to race from NYC to San Francisco. One of the couples was gay the other was lesbian. Who won?
The lesbians. They did 69 all the way, the gays were still in NYC packing their sh*t!

Post by **karonsteve** » February 25, 2015, 3:40 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

Post by **747man** » February 25, 2015, 4:02 pm

Oh ! Dear.......555............

Post by **747man** » February 25, 2015, 9:37 pm

Post by **old-timer** » February 25, 2015, 9:53 pm

Hansum man. Hahahaha

OT.............. $\:D/$

Post by **socksy** » February 26, 2015, 5:56 am

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do.
That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Post by **socksy** » February 26, 2015, 6:01 am

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

Post by **socksy** » February 26, 2015, 6:14 am

Another Lone Ranger joke.

A school teacher has just finished the Friday afternoon sex education lesson and asks the children to look out for what they think are examples of in sex and to report the findings on the Monday.

Little Mary said she saw a Bull mounting a Cow and asked if that was sex and the teacher said well done - it was sex.

Janet said she saw a Ram mounting a sheep and the teacher confirmed that also was sex.

Little Johnny said he went to the cinema to watch a Lone Ranger movie and saw seven indians on top of the Lone Ranger as his example and asked if this was sex.

The teacher stated that it wasn't so little Johnny said "I didn't think so Miss because it would take more than seven Indian's to f*%k the Lone Ranger"

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:35 am

> 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory.... I don't remember what I chose.
>
> 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
>
> 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
>
> 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
>
> 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
> and 'stop', . . . . . . . unless they are used together.
>
> 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
> earth.
>
> 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
> Weakly.
>
> 8. Virginity can be cured.
>
> 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
>
> 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
> you better have a good hand.
>
> 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
>
> 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
>
> 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
> Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
>
> 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
> He was happy with the Hole.
> She was happy with the Thing.
>
> 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
> Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and . . . . the wife doesn't !
>
> 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
>
> 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
> still sleep with their wives! :-"

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:43 am

Sign over a Gynecologist' s Office:
> 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> In a Podiatrist's office:
> 'Time wounds all heels.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck:
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
> 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On another Plumber's truck:
> 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Church's Bill board:
> '7 days without God makes one weak.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> At a Tyre Store
> 'Invite us to your next blowout.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On an Electrician' s truck:
> 'Let us remove your shorts.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> In a Non-smoking Area:
> 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
> 'Push. Push. Push..'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> At an Optometrist' s Office:
> 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Taxidermist' s window:
> 'We really know our stuff.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> On a Fence:
> 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> At a Car Dealership:
> 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
> 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> In a Vets waiting room:
> 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> In a Restaurant window:
> 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
> 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
> ************ ********* *****
>
> And don't forget the sign at a
> RADIATOR SHOP:
> 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
> ************ ********* *
>
> Sign on the back of yet another
> Septic Tank Truck
> We are in the number 2 business
> ************ ********* ******
>
>
> Sign on the Back of yet another
> Septic Tank Truck:
> 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

>

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:48 am

Children are so honest !!

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's head, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

******
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!"

******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommie's tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.”
“Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there’s a war going on over there?”

*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
Blank stares.
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”
*****
And my personal favorite…
God’s Problem Now!
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."
*****

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:52 am

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see
the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over
there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.

The man says, "What did you do that for?"

The golfer replies...
"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I
believe every ***** should have two balls."

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:55 am

47 years
of marriage..

A married couple in their mid 60s are celebrating their
47th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant in Florence, Italy.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with
my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for a cruise around the world appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The husband became 95 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female....

Post by **socksy** » March 4, 2015, 8:59 am

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up .

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Post by **747man** » March 4, 2015, 1:34 pm

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
the Middle East.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where
to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops to
be bred and eaten.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, damn the Brits are smart!!